Hopeful 8 Hopeless 3
After seeing Amin unexpectedly on that Thursday, I was really starting to think. I had been thinking throughout this project and particularly about Amin because it was abundantly evident by that time that he liked me a lot, so I really felt the need to give him an answer as quickly as possible. If only I could make up my mind in a timely fashion as to whether or not I wanted to date him. My reflections increased after seeing him on October 18th because additional questions resulted from that meeting.
As I think back on them now, these reflections were so complex that I hardly remember all of the things I was thinking! I will endeavour to write here a sampling of what was running through my mind. I was thinking that I certainly liked Amin, but more importantly: did I like him that way? Other times, I felt the internal struggle about wanting to be single versus wanting to date; apparently that fight was still active. I had to make sure that I didn't start dating Amin just because I wanted to date. The phrase "I don't have a good reason not to date him" kept coming back, but I quickly answered that with, "But not having a good reason not to doesn't mean that you have a good reason to". It is so important to date a person for the right reasons, to have legitimate reasons for entering into a relationship with someone. Otherwise you are deceiving yourself and the other person and you are sure to end up in disappointment and heartbreak (as Frédérick had taught me well). I reminded myself that I was under no obligation to choose any of the guys I had corresponded with on Plenty of Fish. I am embarrassed to admit that I voiced some of these thoughts to Amin; his response was: "That is why I like you so much; you think about every single detail of making any type of relationship. You care about others' thoughts and feelings and everything and the consequences of each action!" That perhaps was the flattering way of putting it. The truth is, I am obsessed about not repeating past mistakes, which is one of the main reasons I was not only cautious, but becoming confused and somewhat stuck in the decision process. It was an intricate web in my head and I was in danger of becoming trapped in it.
I knew I had to, for my own mental health and also to not try Amin's patience indefinitely, make up my mind once and for all. Other than simple indecision, my greatest difficulty was in getting past my fears, which were speaking quite loudly. I knew that it was not reasonable for them to have such a big voice. Of course caution needed to be exercised, but I could not let my fears control my decisions. If you do that, you miss out on so many opportunities. If I really wanted to date, I had to loosen the grip of my fears and allow myself to choose a relationship, including all the potential risks, but also all the potential benefits that came with it. All that left was to determine how I truly felt about Amin.
It sounds like a simple question, but the answer was still elusive for me. I kept looking for the typical symptoms I get when I have a crush and they seemed to be absent. I didn't feel all fluttery inside and wasn't thinking incessantly about him. My tell-tale sign is always thinking a lot about the person, if not incessantly. I wasn't getting that. It also didn't feel that yearning to date him. I still felt good being single and didn't feel like my life was lacking something. Finally, though, something Amin said to me began to percolate. He said that I kept making exceptions for him. The more and more we talked, the clearer it was for him that I had given him special treatment. I began to realize that he was right. From the very first time I met him, I granted him more than the usual coffee date: we went to see the fireworks. I had let him hold my hand in the Gardens, which I had assured him and myself was a big exception. I had invited him to my birthday celebration. I had seen him three times within the space of a week: when we went for hot chocolate, then for my birthday and finally on the Thursday I was having a bad day. He was very conscious of the fact that I did not normally schedule more than two social activities in the same week to be able to maintain the balance between my health, my school work and my social time and that furthermore I did not ordinarily see the same person more than once in the same week. He marvelled at how I should bend my rules for him. It began to dawn on me too: I had changed the rules when it came to Amin. This really crystallized for me when I thought about how I had asked him to come and see me when I was having a bad day. I wasn't acting as I normally would. Even if my emotions did not allow themselves to surface entirely, my behaviour had clearly betrayed me.
There was only one conclusion to this: I liked him. I liked Amin. What had been obvious to a few people for a little while (like my mother, my sister and Stella) finally hit me. I could give up the fight; I had my answer. I liked Amin and I wanted to date him. He and I were well matched in so many ways; we had so many of the same feelings and opinions. Yet we also had enough to make us different, to permit us to have enriching exchanges. He was one of the nicest guys I had ever met: so caring, respectful, understanding and supportive. I was an idiot if I was going to let an opportunity like that slip through my fingers. Such opportunities don't arrive every day; in fact, they are very rare and precious. When you find a guy like that and you like him, you should certainly seize the chance to date. I could've told him right away, but I thought it would be best to wait until the next time I saw him in person; to me, these are just not things you say online. We had agreed to meet on the coming Friday, so everything was set.
Sunday, 10 March 2013
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Unexpected Date
Hopeful 7 Hopeless 2
The same week I had my rather discouraging and upsetting conversation with Thomas, I was very busy. I had decided that I did not have time to go on any dates. I intended to resume the following week, which promised to be less hectic. That is not exactly how the week turned out after all, though.
That Thursday, October 18th, I had class in the afternoon. It just so happened that Steven was in this class. I had seen him the week before and chatted with him briefly after class; it had been the first time since the day that our student association voted to end their strike. Our conversation had been okay, but I was still a bit nervous. In an attempt to normalize the situation on that Thursday, I tried to casually integrate into a conversation Steven was having with a friend of his. "Did you go to the conference?" Steven asked. "I was really interested; was it any good?" When his friend responded affirmatively, I chimed in, "Listening to M Cartier is always good." I had assumed wrongly that they were referring to one of the conferences in our department that week, that several people including me were just coming from (hence why I was sitting near him in the first place; seat selection was limited when you arrived late). Steven's friend corrected me, but not in a polite or friendly manner, rather with a condescending tone and energy that I didn't appreciate. Steven didn't say anything to this or say anything else that could help me integrate into the conversation, so I simply turned around in my seat and looked straight ahead of me.
I was mildly embarrassed. That was nothing compared to what happened next. Someone passing by my seat in this very cramped classroom knocked over my water bottle. It was so quick, I didn't realize what had happened for a few seconds. I don't even know if it was him or his schoolbag that knocked my water bottle over. In my confusion, I didn't react very quickly and therefore was not effective at preventing the water from going everywhere. I was most concerned about my loose leaf. It was all wet, some sheets more or less. Then I saw that some water had splashed into my lap. My sweatshirt, which had been in my lap since there was no space on the backs of the chairs in this classroom, was soaked. I quickly put it in the compartment under the chair. I was surprised to find that my pants were a bit wet, but since they were black, it didn't really show. Then I looked down to find the puddle under my chair. Still a bit dazed, I mumbled something out loud about probably needing to find a washroom for paper towel. Meanwhile, Steven and his friend did not react at all. The only thing I heard was Steven's friend make some sort of "oops" noise. There were about forty people in this class. Not one of them got up to help me. I had to make two or three trips to the bathroom to clean up the mess all over my desk while Steven and his friend watched. I was embarrassed and mildly offended besides.
That, unfortunately was not the end of my embarrassment. It was bad enough to be sitting in class wet trying to take notes on damp or crinkly loose-leaf. The first twenty minutes of methodology class was reserved for questions aimed at research trouble-shooting. I raised my hand and asked a question that I should've spoken to the professor about after class. He was just usually so swamped with students after class, that I decided to ask during the question period instead. Big mistake. I asked if he could give me direction for my subject, narrow it down a little and if indeed that was the appropriate time to ask. This was supposed to be an any-question-goes zone, a class where there were no "stupid questions". Yet the professor looked at me and said, "But that's not your subject." I was stunned. How could I not know my own research topic? He made a slight correction to one of the words in my topic and that radically changed my research. It was important to ask before I got much further in my work, but I wish I had not done it in front of the class, because at the teacher's reaction, my classmates burst out laughing. I just wanted to disappear.
So as soon as we had a break, I left the classroom as quickly as I could. I felt the need to get out of there. Usually I sit quietly during the break and often eat a snack to replenish my energy. Since I had been wanting to disappear for about an hour and a half, I could not fling myself out of the room fast enough. I wanted to put space between me and that class so I could clear my head. My concentration had not been very good because my embarrassment had really affected my mood. Normally I am able to put feelings aside when I am in class and focus on the lecture. For whatever reason, that day, I was not really able to do so. I went and found a computer, though I didn't have a lot of time before I had to be back in class. I had gotten an idea that I couldn't shake. It was crazy. It was also very unlike me.
I took Amin's advice for reaching him. I sent him an e-mail, which he was certain to see on his phone. He said it was always an effective way of getting him to sign in to chat if he was not already online. Sure enough, scarce a few minutes had gone by and there he was. So I told him I was having a bad day and that for whatever reason I just couldn't shake off the bad feelings. I didn't understand why, but I was really not coping that day. I couldn't roll with anything; everything was affecting me and I was having great difficulty getting through the rest of the day. I had to stay after class for an activity for the mentoring program I had joined at school. I couldn't imagine myself doing so. In fact, I had wanted so badly not to sit through any of the class even. I felt sorely lacking in courage. I wasn't able to help myself, so I decided it was time to ask for help. I needed some support that day. Amin was ready to offer it, very ready and willing. He cancelled a meeting with his PhD supervisor; he rearranged his entire schedule just to meet me after class. His assurance that he would spend some time with me got me through the second half of my class and the activity I had to attend afterwards.
I felt extremely strange making this request. I later realized that it was okay for me to ask for help or support, certainly. I asked the person whose schedule was most flexible and who was most likely to be available at the drop of a hat. What felt strange, was that it was so uncharacteristic of me. It was so unusual for me to essentially be falling apart based on such a slight thing as an embarrassment or two. Normally I am tougher than that and it takes a lot to stop me from getting through my day well. What was most certainly not like me was to ask someone else to help me in such circumstances, to feel that it was so very necessary. It felt like I was asking to be rescued and though I realized that was not entirely true, it still did not sit well with me at all. I despise the notion of the damsel in distress being rescued by the knight on the white horse. I most emphatically do not want it to happen to me. I want to be my own independent person, not requiring a man to save me. My internal objections, however, did not stop me from asking Amin to meet me.
Those were not the only strange feelings that I had that day. Amin didn't say a lot; he mostly listened to me recount the story of my multiple embarrassments. He let me vent. Just talking to him began to cheer me up. While I was talking, though, all I could seem to think about was hugging him or putting a hand on his arm. I know I touched his arm a couple of times, but in my mind, I was touching him frequently. All I wanted to do was touch him. I was surprised at myself. I suppose it had been awhile since I had had such feelings and that is why they felt foreign. It made me confused: Amin was my friend; why did I feel the need to touch him? In fact, I am not even certain my reflection got that far. I must've been too preoccupied with self-restraint that I couldn't sort out what those feelings actually meant.
What did emerge clearly for me, was a further illustration of Amin's character. This Thursday proved to me that he was dependable and supportive. It confirmed to me that he was a good listener and also very thoughtful and caring. He offered to stay till I was done my mentoring activity. After the function, I brought him a piece of cake to share. He was very happy with that. I thought there should be some reward for waiting for me like that and certainly the mentorship program could spare the piece. Then he accompanied me part of the way back home.
I called this entry "Unexpected Date". It didn't have most classic elements of a date. It was unexpected because I had not planned to see Amin that day and furthermore did not consider that I had time for any dates that week. He just spent a couple of hours with me at school, which is hardly romantic. Yet, other than feeling bad that day, I had some other feelings, which were quite unquantifiable...
The same week I had my rather discouraging and upsetting conversation with Thomas, I was very busy. I had decided that I did not have time to go on any dates. I intended to resume the following week, which promised to be less hectic. That is not exactly how the week turned out after all, though.
That Thursday, October 18th, I had class in the afternoon. It just so happened that Steven was in this class. I had seen him the week before and chatted with him briefly after class; it had been the first time since the day that our student association voted to end their strike. Our conversation had been okay, but I was still a bit nervous. In an attempt to normalize the situation on that Thursday, I tried to casually integrate into a conversation Steven was having with a friend of his. "Did you go to the conference?" Steven asked. "I was really interested; was it any good?" When his friend responded affirmatively, I chimed in, "Listening to M Cartier is always good." I had assumed wrongly that they were referring to one of the conferences in our department that week, that several people including me were just coming from (hence why I was sitting near him in the first place; seat selection was limited when you arrived late). Steven's friend corrected me, but not in a polite or friendly manner, rather with a condescending tone and energy that I didn't appreciate. Steven didn't say anything to this or say anything else that could help me integrate into the conversation, so I simply turned around in my seat and looked straight ahead of me.
I was mildly embarrassed. That was nothing compared to what happened next. Someone passing by my seat in this very cramped classroom knocked over my water bottle. It was so quick, I didn't realize what had happened for a few seconds. I don't even know if it was him or his schoolbag that knocked my water bottle over. In my confusion, I didn't react very quickly and therefore was not effective at preventing the water from going everywhere. I was most concerned about my loose leaf. It was all wet, some sheets more or less. Then I saw that some water had splashed into my lap. My sweatshirt, which had been in my lap since there was no space on the backs of the chairs in this classroom, was soaked. I quickly put it in the compartment under the chair. I was surprised to find that my pants were a bit wet, but since they were black, it didn't really show. Then I looked down to find the puddle under my chair. Still a bit dazed, I mumbled something out loud about probably needing to find a washroom for paper towel. Meanwhile, Steven and his friend did not react at all. The only thing I heard was Steven's friend make some sort of "oops" noise. There were about forty people in this class. Not one of them got up to help me. I had to make two or three trips to the bathroom to clean up the mess all over my desk while Steven and his friend watched. I was embarrassed and mildly offended besides.
That, unfortunately was not the end of my embarrassment. It was bad enough to be sitting in class wet trying to take notes on damp or crinkly loose-leaf. The first twenty minutes of methodology class was reserved for questions aimed at research trouble-shooting. I raised my hand and asked a question that I should've spoken to the professor about after class. He was just usually so swamped with students after class, that I decided to ask during the question period instead. Big mistake. I asked if he could give me direction for my subject, narrow it down a little and if indeed that was the appropriate time to ask. This was supposed to be an any-question-goes zone, a class where there were no "stupid questions". Yet the professor looked at me and said, "But that's not your subject." I was stunned. How could I not know my own research topic? He made a slight correction to one of the words in my topic and that radically changed my research. It was important to ask before I got much further in my work, but I wish I had not done it in front of the class, because at the teacher's reaction, my classmates burst out laughing. I just wanted to disappear.
So as soon as we had a break, I left the classroom as quickly as I could. I felt the need to get out of there. Usually I sit quietly during the break and often eat a snack to replenish my energy. Since I had been wanting to disappear for about an hour and a half, I could not fling myself out of the room fast enough. I wanted to put space between me and that class so I could clear my head. My concentration had not been very good because my embarrassment had really affected my mood. Normally I am able to put feelings aside when I am in class and focus on the lecture. For whatever reason, that day, I was not really able to do so. I went and found a computer, though I didn't have a lot of time before I had to be back in class. I had gotten an idea that I couldn't shake. It was crazy. It was also very unlike me.
I took Amin's advice for reaching him. I sent him an e-mail, which he was certain to see on his phone. He said it was always an effective way of getting him to sign in to chat if he was not already online. Sure enough, scarce a few minutes had gone by and there he was. So I told him I was having a bad day and that for whatever reason I just couldn't shake off the bad feelings. I didn't understand why, but I was really not coping that day. I couldn't roll with anything; everything was affecting me and I was having great difficulty getting through the rest of the day. I had to stay after class for an activity for the mentoring program I had joined at school. I couldn't imagine myself doing so. In fact, I had wanted so badly not to sit through any of the class even. I felt sorely lacking in courage. I wasn't able to help myself, so I decided it was time to ask for help. I needed some support that day. Amin was ready to offer it, very ready and willing. He cancelled a meeting with his PhD supervisor; he rearranged his entire schedule just to meet me after class. His assurance that he would spend some time with me got me through the second half of my class and the activity I had to attend afterwards.
I felt extremely strange making this request. I later realized that it was okay for me to ask for help or support, certainly. I asked the person whose schedule was most flexible and who was most likely to be available at the drop of a hat. What felt strange, was that it was so uncharacteristic of me. It was so unusual for me to essentially be falling apart based on such a slight thing as an embarrassment or two. Normally I am tougher than that and it takes a lot to stop me from getting through my day well. What was most certainly not like me was to ask someone else to help me in such circumstances, to feel that it was so very necessary. It felt like I was asking to be rescued and though I realized that was not entirely true, it still did not sit well with me at all. I despise the notion of the damsel in distress being rescued by the knight on the white horse. I most emphatically do not want it to happen to me. I want to be my own independent person, not requiring a man to save me. My internal objections, however, did not stop me from asking Amin to meet me.
Those were not the only strange feelings that I had that day. Amin didn't say a lot; he mostly listened to me recount the story of my multiple embarrassments. He let me vent. Just talking to him began to cheer me up. While I was talking, though, all I could seem to think about was hugging him or putting a hand on his arm. I know I touched his arm a couple of times, but in my mind, I was touching him frequently. All I wanted to do was touch him. I was surprised at myself. I suppose it had been awhile since I had had such feelings and that is why they felt foreign. It made me confused: Amin was my friend; why did I feel the need to touch him? In fact, I am not even certain my reflection got that far. I must've been too preoccupied with self-restraint that I couldn't sort out what those feelings actually meant.
What did emerge clearly for me, was a further illustration of Amin's character. This Thursday proved to me that he was dependable and supportive. It confirmed to me that he was a good listener and also very thoughtful and caring. He offered to stay till I was done my mentoring activity. After the function, I brought him a piece of cake to share. He was very happy with that. I thought there should be some reward for waiting for me like that and certainly the mentorship program could spare the piece. Then he accompanied me part of the way back home.
I called this entry "Unexpected Date". It didn't have most classic elements of a date. It was unexpected because I had not planned to see Amin that day and furthermore did not consider that I had time for any dates that week. He just spent a couple of hours with me at school, which is hardly romantic. Yet, other than feeling bad that day, I had some other feelings, which were quite unquantifiable...
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Feliz Día del Amor y la Amistad
Hopeful 8 Hopeless 2The title of this entry comes from how we were taught to say Happy Valentine's Day in Spanish in high school. I thought it was a good idea to call the holiday "love and friendship day" and have become a particular fan of the expression in recent years. It encapsulates what Valentine's Day is all about.
When we hear "Valentine's Day", we conjure up lots of images. Many of these images are chocolates and flowers and big red hearts, but the rest of them tend to be of couples. Our culture focuses on having a Valentine to spend the day with. This is such a limited view of what the holiday is about. Saint Valentine did marry couples against the edict of Emperor Claudius II, but the first Valentines were actually letters to his friends from jail. So from the very beginning, this story has been about love, not just romantic love, but love in the greater sense. In fact, the person of Saint Valentine shows all aspects of love: romance, friendship and devotion to God. These are all things he lived and died for. That is what Valentine's Day is supposed to be about.
Whatever happened to the days in elementary school when you would get a Valentine from every student in the class? Am I the only one who grew up in a school like that? I remember filling out 30 or more of these mini store-bought cards that had messages such as "Be mine" or "Happy Valentine's Day". That made everyone feel special and included on that day. It seems when we grow up, we lose that sense of the importance of spreading love to the people around us. That is such a shame.
I have gotten trapped in the paradigm of needing a Valentine on February 14th. It is difficult not to get sucked into that feeling. I think it is understandable in the society we live in to feel lonely on Valentine's Day if you are single. I would see so many girls going by in the metro or on the street with roses. It made me feel sad that there was no one to get me flowers. I realized, though, that that is completely the wrong way of looking at it. I started getting flowers in the metro or on the street and bringing them home for my mother. She loves flowers; they really cheer her up and are quasi-therapeutic for her. If you are thinking about how you are not getting flowers, you are focusing too much on yourself. Go and get flowers for someone else and I guarantee you will feel so much better. My mother has been my Valentine since I was a little girl and she will be as long as I live, whether I am dating or whether I am not. The best part is that you are not limited to just one Valentine; you can have as many Valentines as you like!
So go out and find people today. Take the time to send them a message and tell them that they are appreciated. Organize something with your friends and family. Make an occasion! Valentine's Day is not just for couples, so get together with the most important people in your life and have a great time.
Feliz Día del Amor y la Amistad ♥
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Vhat Vas Ve Qvestion?
Hopeful 1 Hopeless 9
This is how I felt on October 15th after a conversation I had with Thomas. My mood turned abruptly while I was chatting with him online. In my own words from after that conversation: "It's on days like this where I want to give up on men entirely and am inclined to believe that there is not one decent man on this planet" (hence the hopeful-hopeless count). When I first wrote this entry on paper (most of the time, my ideas and emotions flow much better on paper, which was the case that day!), I had explained the context in which this question arose. I realized later, that there was no context in which this question could be understandable or admissible whatsoever, making half of what I wrote completely irrelevant. This is a question you never ask a girl.
There are a few questions that you never ask a girl. The first one, I think, is her age. This is something you learn if you have been brought up with proper manners. The second, is her weight. Beyond basic politeness, it is simply that women tend to be insecure about these two things. It is difficult when media, society and a million other factors are constantly pressuring women to look younger and slimmer all the time. Don't add to her potential self-esteem problems by asking her such questions. The question Thomas asked me was right up there with these two. I wrote on that day: "I nearly choked. Since when is it okay to just ask that question? I was so shocked. The audacity!"
I don't care what times we live in or again under what circumstances this question comes up. It is unacceptable to ask a girl, "Are you a virgin?" It is rude and inappropriate to ask such a personal question. In fact, that question is not only personal, it is rather private. Normally that kind of information, any information regarding sexual contact or experience is for the girl to know and for her to share with her partner. It is not for common knowledge, merely to satisfy someone's curiosity. If indeed, she felt the need to share this kind of information with someone other than her partner, it would have to come from her. She would have to open up to you about it and not because you asked her.
Furthermore, this information, though it can perhaps make people curious, should not be sought after in the first place. You may have your own guess (Thomas' was instantly clear when he posed that question), but that is not something you should utter out loud. If you could refrain from guessing and wondering altogether, that would be even better. The question of whether or not someone you know is a virgin should not be relevant. You should not have a different opinion of them based on that, just like you should not think differently of them based on their age, or their weight, or their religion or their ethnic background or a million other things. Take those things out of the equation and look at the person and their qualities and form your opinion of them based on those things. Use as few labels as possible, because they usually end up being harmful one way or another.
It had been occurring to me that Thomas and I were not well matched before that day. A few days earlier, I had blurted during a conversation with him: "What is it about you that seems to bring out all my insecurities and apprehensions?" This is very important also to consider when you are looking for a potential partner: does this person bring out the best in you? I know from my experience with my Dad that a guy can bring out the worst in a girl. I didn't always like who I was when I talked to Thomas. He seemed to draw out more of my negative emotions. He certainly did on that day, though I didn't let him have it like I should've. I was just too shocked in that moment. I felt betrayed too. That is the sort of moment I regretted letting him get to know me better. That is what I meant when I said that I didn't want just anyone to know my name and have access to my facebook page. I had given him my trust and he screwed up. He knew he screwed up too, even as he was asking that question. He should've listened to his instincts and buttoned up. Though you cannot presume to understand someone based on one thing they said or did, it was finally clear to me that Thomas and I were not compatible enough to date. He had told me he did not want to date at the moment, but that day is when I realized that even if he wanted to date later and I was in fact available, it would not fly. At that moment, I was thinking we might not even be compatible enough to be friends. If Thomas wanted to be friends, he was going to have to make a serious effort to earn my trust back.
This is how I felt on October 15th after a conversation I had with Thomas. My mood turned abruptly while I was chatting with him online. In my own words from after that conversation: "It's on days like this where I want to give up on men entirely and am inclined to believe that there is not one decent man on this planet" (hence the hopeful-hopeless count). When I first wrote this entry on paper (most of the time, my ideas and emotions flow much better on paper, which was the case that day!), I had explained the context in which this question arose. I realized later, that there was no context in which this question could be understandable or admissible whatsoever, making half of what I wrote completely irrelevant. This is a question you never ask a girl.
There are a few questions that you never ask a girl. The first one, I think, is her age. This is something you learn if you have been brought up with proper manners. The second, is her weight. Beyond basic politeness, it is simply that women tend to be insecure about these two things. It is difficult when media, society and a million other factors are constantly pressuring women to look younger and slimmer all the time. Don't add to her potential self-esteem problems by asking her such questions. The question Thomas asked me was right up there with these two. I wrote on that day: "I nearly choked. Since when is it okay to just ask that question? I was so shocked. The audacity!"
I don't care what times we live in or again under what circumstances this question comes up. It is unacceptable to ask a girl, "Are you a virgin?" It is rude and inappropriate to ask such a personal question. In fact, that question is not only personal, it is rather private. Normally that kind of information, any information regarding sexual contact or experience is for the girl to know and for her to share with her partner. It is not for common knowledge, merely to satisfy someone's curiosity. If indeed, she felt the need to share this kind of information with someone other than her partner, it would have to come from her. She would have to open up to you about it and not because you asked her.
Furthermore, this information, though it can perhaps make people curious, should not be sought after in the first place. You may have your own guess (Thomas' was instantly clear when he posed that question), but that is not something you should utter out loud. If you could refrain from guessing and wondering altogether, that would be even better. The question of whether or not someone you know is a virgin should not be relevant. You should not have a different opinion of them based on that, just like you should not think differently of them based on their age, or their weight, or their religion or their ethnic background or a million other things. Take those things out of the equation and look at the person and their qualities and form your opinion of them based on those things. Use as few labels as possible, because they usually end up being harmful one way or another.
It had been occurring to me that Thomas and I were not well matched before that day. A few days earlier, I had blurted during a conversation with him: "What is it about you that seems to bring out all my insecurities and apprehensions?" This is very important also to consider when you are looking for a potential partner: does this person bring out the best in you? I know from my experience with my Dad that a guy can bring out the worst in a girl. I didn't always like who I was when I talked to Thomas. He seemed to draw out more of my negative emotions. He certainly did on that day, though I didn't let him have it like I should've. I was just too shocked in that moment. I felt betrayed too. That is the sort of moment I regretted letting him get to know me better. That is what I meant when I said that I didn't want just anyone to know my name and have access to my facebook page. I had given him my trust and he screwed up. He knew he screwed up too, even as he was asking that question. He should've listened to his instincts and buttoned up. Though you cannot presume to understand someone based on one thing they said or did, it was finally clear to me that Thomas and I were not compatible enough to date. He had told me he did not want to date at the moment, but that day is when I realized that even if he wanted to date later and I was in fact available, it would not fly. At that moment, I was thinking we might not even be compatible enough to be friends. If Thomas wanted to be friends, he was going to have to make a serious effort to earn my trust back.
My Birthday
Hopeful 7 Hopeless 3
That weekend, I celebrated my birthday with my friends. It had taken me awhile to figure out what I wanted to do, so I think it didn't give people a lot of notice. For that reason, I had a modest number to go for lunch at Cacao 70. Our party comprised of Étienne, Stella and my sister. Louis had said he might be able to come, so I wasn't sure if he was going to drop in as well.
I was really looking forward to going. I had been to Cacao 70 once with my sister and really enjoyed it. I was thinking about it a lot the day before. That is when I started getting the idea that I should issue a supplementary invitation. I kept turning it over and over in my mind and finally decided on it: I should ask Amin if he would like to join us. It seemed so logical to me. I was going out with my friends for chocolate. He was both my friend and a fellow chocoholic. He talked about not having a friend to go and have chocolate with, so he would certainly be glad for the opportunity and would be sure to enjoy the chocolate. The direct consequence of doing this would be that it would also integrate him more into my life. It would put him on an equal footing with my other friends and it would prove to him that I treated him just like I did them. It would be elevating his status and I really wanted to give him higher status. I felt that that is where he should be.
At first, Amin was not biting. I was stunned: how could he refuse chocolate?! He said it was very thoughtful of me to invite him, but that he should not meet my friends at this time. I had anticipated the possibility of him being nervous, but I did not expect it to stop him from going. So I used my powers of persuasion, which seemed rather effective on him. I talked to him about what would make him feel more comfortable. I explained that it was going to be a small party, which is one of the reasons I thought it was more than acceptable to ask him along. I knew he was a bit on the shy side, so I wasn't going to expose him to a lot of different people at once. He was still hesitant. Finally we got to the root of the matter: he was feeling a bit odd about what my friends would think, given that we had met online. This is something I suppose I had thought about myself. It is perhaps a bit awkward to admit to meeting someone online. It is becoming more and more common, but I think it still feels a bit strange or embarrassing. It was such an easy fix, though: no one had to know! So we decided what our story should be. It was nothing elaborate, but fun to concoct at the same time. I suppose it is the writer in me that likes to create stories and make-believe like when I was a kid. We settled on having met "at school". It is simple to retain and not the sort of answer that usually brings on a lot of questions. What made it exciting was that it was our secret. It was also sufficient for Amin to feel comfortable and for him to agree to come.
I had set the time for 1:00, but I had a hiccup that caused me to run late. I was positively mortified: I was late for my own celebration! My sister got on her cellphone and began texting to let Étienne and Amin know. Stella was with us as we made our way to Cacao 70. Amin replied and said that he had found Étienne and that they were waiting for us (it turns out that I had miscopied Étienne's number for some reason, so he never got the message; it was lucky indeed that he had collided with Amin!). I was nearly dying, because it was such an odd scenario. Here was the person who had encouraged me to go on Plenty of Fish, Étienne, sitting with one of the people I had met on the site, Amin. I was positively squirming, because neither of them knew who exactly they were talking to! I would've loved to be a fly on the wall at that point to see what on earth they were saying.
We arrived fashionably late; I suppose the only advantage was making an entrance at my own party. I stood up on my tiptoes to give Étienne a hug and I went over to give Amin one. I made a nervous joke about how they had obviously gotten along all right because they hadn't killed one another. I slunk sheepishly into a chair as soon as possible. Since Étienne was sitting beside him, I made sure to choose the seat in front of Amin, to make sure that I was nearby. After all, I was the only person he knew there, so I had to make sure that he was comfortable. Even later, when my sister and I needed to sit together to share our chocolate, I did not move from that spot. I asked Stella and her if they could switch places instead.
It was a very pleasant outing. Much was talked of, particularly Étienne's exciting job opportunities and Stella's upcoming trek to the base camp of Mount Everest to raise funds for cancer research. The person who talked the most was undoubtedly my sister. She had lots of energy that day, which will bring out her very sociable and bubbly personality. She was the life of the party certainly that day and was the main reason (besides chocolate) that it was such a nice birthday celebration. I have always been quieter than her by nature and sitting back listening to her talk that day, I was not feeling that she was stealing my spotlight or anything; I was just feeling that she had so many interesting and intelligent things to say and feeling very proud of her. Amin had been self-conscious about being older than my friends, but here was the youngest out of everyone and she was just awesome.
I had a good time and everyone else professed that they did also. I received a small gift from Stella: a black and red necklace. She said it was not a proper birthday gift, but I was happy for this thoughtful token of friendship. When we left Cacao 70, it was raining a little. None of us were really equipped except Amin. He gallantly offered to share his umbrella with Stella (which would've been a challenge, since she is tall!), but she declined. None of us seemed too worried about the rain, since it was so slight. So Amin came over to me and asked. I could hardly refuse such a kind gesture. My sister and Étienne got ahead of us, then so did Stella. Amin and I brought up the rear under his umbrella. I was feeling a bit strange at that point, perhaps recalling that afternoon with Giles. What I remember is that I could not look at Amin and consequently didn't stay under the umbrella very well. I couldn't find much to say, but he wasn't very talkative in any case. I had been a bit concerned about him. I had expected he would mostly listen rather than talk, since he was unfamiliar with my friends and that he would probably be observing how I interacted with the others. However, much as he was surrounded by lots of chocolate and a near infinite menu of delicious chocolate choices, he only had a milkshake. That is what worried me; I could hardly reconcile that with the chocoholic I knew he was! What I later discovered is that his meal times are different from the ones I keep, so it was simply a question of appetite.
I talked later with Amin and finally got to hear his enthusiasm about the outing. He said that I had very nice friends and he was glad I invited him. He was curious to know what my friends thought of him, but they could hardly give me feedback based on one such occasion. Stella, however, had remembered Amin from my conversation with her after the Gardens date. She asked me if I was dating him or not yet and how I felt about him. I could not offer a clear-cut answer at that time, which she thought was strange. She thought I should not be so confused about how I felt about Amin and where I wanted him to fit in my life. I was glad to have the opportunity to ask her to shake his hand rather than kiss him as a greeting, which he greatly appreciated. The one thing Stella did say afterwards, which I refused to repeat to Amin, was that we had chemistry. I didn't understand how she could possibly tell something like that, based on an outing in a group setting where he and I didn't interact a lot. She said she simply could not explain it, but that is exactly what she felt. I take people's intuition seriously as well as the assessment of someone on the outside looking in on a scenario, so I kept what she said in mind. What puzzled me, though, was how she had felt something, but I hadn't...
That weekend, I celebrated my birthday with my friends. It had taken me awhile to figure out what I wanted to do, so I think it didn't give people a lot of notice. For that reason, I had a modest number to go for lunch at Cacao 70. Our party comprised of Étienne, Stella and my sister. Louis had said he might be able to come, so I wasn't sure if he was going to drop in as well.
 |
| What I shared with my sister the first time I went to Cacao 70 |
At first, Amin was not biting. I was stunned: how could he refuse chocolate?! He said it was very thoughtful of me to invite him, but that he should not meet my friends at this time. I had anticipated the possibility of him being nervous, but I did not expect it to stop him from going. So I used my powers of persuasion, which seemed rather effective on him. I talked to him about what would make him feel more comfortable. I explained that it was going to be a small party, which is one of the reasons I thought it was more than acceptable to ask him along. I knew he was a bit on the shy side, so I wasn't going to expose him to a lot of different people at once. He was still hesitant. Finally we got to the root of the matter: he was feeling a bit odd about what my friends would think, given that we had met online. This is something I suppose I had thought about myself. It is perhaps a bit awkward to admit to meeting someone online. It is becoming more and more common, but I think it still feels a bit strange or embarrassing. It was such an easy fix, though: no one had to know! So we decided what our story should be. It was nothing elaborate, but fun to concoct at the same time. I suppose it is the writer in me that likes to create stories and make-believe like when I was a kid. We settled on having met "at school". It is simple to retain and not the sort of answer that usually brings on a lot of questions. What made it exciting was that it was our secret. It was also sufficient for Amin to feel comfortable and for him to agree to come.
I had set the time for 1:00, but I had a hiccup that caused me to run late. I was positively mortified: I was late for my own celebration! My sister got on her cellphone and began texting to let Étienne and Amin know. Stella was with us as we made our way to Cacao 70. Amin replied and said that he had found Étienne and that they were waiting for us (it turns out that I had miscopied Étienne's number for some reason, so he never got the message; it was lucky indeed that he had collided with Amin!). I was nearly dying, because it was such an odd scenario. Here was the person who had encouraged me to go on Plenty of Fish, Étienne, sitting with one of the people I had met on the site, Amin. I was positively squirming, because neither of them knew who exactly they were talking to! I would've loved to be a fly on the wall at that point to see what on earth they were saying.
We arrived fashionably late; I suppose the only advantage was making an entrance at my own party. I stood up on my tiptoes to give Étienne a hug and I went over to give Amin one. I made a nervous joke about how they had obviously gotten along all right because they hadn't killed one another. I slunk sheepishly into a chair as soon as possible. Since Étienne was sitting beside him, I made sure to choose the seat in front of Amin, to make sure that I was nearby. After all, I was the only person he knew there, so I had to make sure that he was comfortable. Even later, when my sister and I needed to sit together to share our chocolate, I did not move from that spot. I asked Stella and her if they could switch places instead.
It was a very pleasant outing. Much was talked of, particularly Étienne's exciting job opportunities and Stella's upcoming trek to the base camp of Mount Everest to raise funds for cancer research. The person who talked the most was undoubtedly my sister. She had lots of energy that day, which will bring out her very sociable and bubbly personality. She was the life of the party certainly that day and was the main reason (besides chocolate) that it was such a nice birthday celebration. I have always been quieter than her by nature and sitting back listening to her talk that day, I was not feeling that she was stealing my spotlight or anything; I was just feeling that she had so many interesting and intelligent things to say and feeling very proud of her. Amin had been self-conscious about being older than my friends, but here was the youngest out of everyone and she was just awesome.
I had a good time and everyone else professed that they did also. I received a small gift from Stella: a black and red necklace. She said it was not a proper birthday gift, but I was happy for this thoughtful token of friendship. When we left Cacao 70, it was raining a little. None of us were really equipped except Amin. He gallantly offered to share his umbrella with Stella (which would've been a challenge, since she is tall!), but she declined. None of us seemed too worried about the rain, since it was so slight. So Amin came over to me and asked. I could hardly refuse such a kind gesture. My sister and Étienne got ahead of us, then so did Stella. Amin and I brought up the rear under his umbrella. I was feeling a bit strange at that point, perhaps recalling that afternoon with Giles. What I remember is that I could not look at Amin and consequently didn't stay under the umbrella very well. I couldn't find much to say, but he wasn't very talkative in any case. I had been a bit concerned about him. I had expected he would mostly listen rather than talk, since he was unfamiliar with my friends and that he would probably be observing how I interacted with the others. However, much as he was surrounded by lots of chocolate and a near infinite menu of delicious chocolate choices, he only had a milkshake. That is what worried me; I could hardly reconcile that with the chocoholic I knew he was! What I later discovered is that his meal times are different from the ones I keep, so it was simply a question of appetite.
I talked later with Amin and finally got to hear his enthusiasm about the outing. He said that I had very nice friends and he was glad I invited him. He was curious to know what my friends thought of him, but they could hardly give me feedback based on one such occasion. Stella, however, had remembered Amin from my conversation with her after the Gardens date. She asked me if I was dating him or not yet and how I felt about him. I could not offer a clear-cut answer at that time, which she thought was strange. She thought I should not be so confused about how I felt about Amin and where I wanted him to fit in my life. I was glad to have the opportunity to ask her to shake his hand rather than kiss him as a greeting, which he greatly appreciated. The one thing Stella did say afterwards, which I refused to repeat to Amin, was that we had chemistry. I didn't understand how she could possibly tell something like that, based on an outing in a group setting where he and I didn't interact a lot. She said she simply could not explain it, but that is exactly what she felt. I take people's intuition seriously as well as the assessment of someone on the outside looking in on a scenario, so I kept what she said in mind. What puzzled me, though, was how she had felt something, but I hadn't...
Monday, 28 January 2013
I Have Not Learned to Refuse
Hopeful 8 Hopeless 2
The title of this post is inspired by a quote from Margaret Hale in the BBC Miniseries North & South. "I have not learned to refuse" is something she says to describe her struggle to decline a man's offer in such a way that it does not unduly hurt or offend him. She does not succeed, unfortunately, in being diplomatic. This skill, the ability to decline or refuse a guy is something that I expected to learn during my project with Plenty of Fish. I expected that I would have the opportunity to practice and that I would get better at it. Yet, like Margaret, I never really managed to do this quite right.
The day after I went out for hot chocolate with Amin, I received a curious e-mail. It was from Paul. For whatever strange reason, I did not expect a message from him. I had put him out of mind and didn't expect him to crop up again. He opened with, "There is a new revelation about the south Pole and north Pole ice diminishing, actually they say south Pole gained some this year (1%) of total.." I was completely bewildered. This was his opening to ask me out for coffee to "talk about it". I suppose this is what people mean when they say that a guy is "using a line". I guess I haven't really been subject to many in my life, even during my Plenty of Fish project. That is why I was stunned. The entire e-mail gave me a very bad vibe, just reconfirming all of my instincts again.
I had decided after meeting Paul that I would not go out with him again. My opinion was unchanged and rather reinforced by this e-mail. Anyone I showed it too also found it really weird. That is when it came time to answer and refuse. I waited a day, hoping that would help me collect my thoughts. All I came out with was a few brief lines about being busy and that I would "let him know". So I did not directly say "no thank you; not interested". I just put him off. I was stuck in his paradigm about not corresponding unless I had time in my schedule to see him. I thought it would be clear that I didn't have time for him if I didn't write. It was probably not very generous of me and it completely side-stepped practicing how to let a guy down gently.
I received a reply the same day. That one also made me shudder because I was uncomfortable with the manner in which he complimented me (see Perplexing Paul for more details). He was putting me in all sorts of boxes again and repeating the same words. He claimed he understood about my being busy. I took a deep breath and hoped that that was the very last e-mail I would receive from him.
The other e-mail dilemma I needed to solve was for Patrick. That day I sat down at my computer and worked out something that I hoped sounded not as unsettled as I felt. I told him a bit about my classes and then tackled the question of the blog. We had been considering another outing, but I suggested that we go for another tea to have the opportunity to talk, given that he had found my blog and possibly also had read it. I added that in the meantime, I would be grateful if he didn't read. By this, I wanted to get a chance to sit down with him and explain to him how my project came about and answer any questions he might have. If he had indeed read my entire blog (which I was by no means certain of, given how vague he was) without hearing any explanations from me personally, I thought that he could quite possibly wish to reject me simply based on some of the things I wrote. His reply to my e-mail came over a week later and I will discuss it in an upcoming post.
The title of this post is inspired by a quote from Margaret Hale in the BBC Miniseries North & South. "I have not learned to refuse" is something she says to describe her struggle to decline a man's offer in such a way that it does not unduly hurt or offend him. She does not succeed, unfortunately, in being diplomatic. This skill, the ability to decline or refuse a guy is something that I expected to learn during my project with Plenty of Fish. I expected that I would have the opportunity to practice and that I would get better at it. Yet, like Margaret, I never really managed to do this quite right.
The day after I went out for hot chocolate with Amin, I received a curious e-mail. It was from Paul. For whatever strange reason, I did not expect a message from him. I had put him out of mind and didn't expect him to crop up again. He opened with, "There is a new revelation about the south Pole and north Pole ice diminishing, actually they say south Pole gained some this year (1%) of total.." I was completely bewildered. This was his opening to ask me out for coffee to "talk about it". I suppose this is what people mean when they say that a guy is "using a line". I guess I haven't really been subject to many in my life, even during my Plenty of Fish project. That is why I was stunned. The entire e-mail gave me a very bad vibe, just reconfirming all of my instincts again.
I had decided after meeting Paul that I would not go out with him again. My opinion was unchanged and rather reinforced by this e-mail. Anyone I showed it too also found it really weird. That is when it came time to answer and refuse. I waited a day, hoping that would help me collect my thoughts. All I came out with was a few brief lines about being busy and that I would "let him know". So I did not directly say "no thank you; not interested". I just put him off. I was stuck in his paradigm about not corresponding unless I had time in my schedule to see him. I thought it would be clear that I didn't have time for him if I didn't write. It was probably not very generous of me and it completely side-stepped practicing how to let a guy down gently.
I received a reply the same day. That one also made me shudder because I was uncomfortable with the manner in which he complimented me (see Perplexing Paul for more details). He was putting me in all sorts of boxes again and repeating the same words. He claimed he understood about my being busy. I took a deep breath and hoped that that was the very last e-mail I would receive from him.
The other e-mail dilemma I needed to solve was for Patrick. That day I sat down at my computer and worked out something that I hoped sounded not as unsettled as I felt. I told him a bit about my classes and then tackled the question of the blog. We had been considering another outing, but I suggested that we go for another tea to have the opportunity to talk, given that he had found my blog and possibly also had read it. I added that in the meantime, I would be grateful if he didn't read. By this, I wanted to get a chance to sit down with him and explain to him how my project came about and answer any questions he might have. If he had indeed read my entire blog (which I was by no means certain of, given how vague he was) without hearing any explanations from me personally, I thought that he could quite possibly wish to reject me simply based on some of the things I wrote. His reply to my e-mail came over a week later and I will discuss it in an upcoming post.
Two Chocoholics
Hopeful 8 Hopeless 2
Amin was pleasantly surprised when I found him a spot in my schedule that second week of October. My comfort level with him was such that I felt, though our first dates were spectacular in nature, we didn't need to stand on ceremony and could plan something more casual. I thought it would be good to sit down across from him at a table since neither of our meetings had yet taken this format. There were a couple of serious subjects I needed to sit him down and talk about in person (they had been touched upon in certain online chats, but never directly). Since discovering that he was also a chocoholic, I had made up my mind that we should go to the Starbucks at Chapters for hot chocolate, to which Amin heartily agreed.
It was not all that easy to meet him on that day. Like I mentioned in some earlier posts, it felt strange to let him push ahead to a third date ahead of the others. I had also been up late the night before rather agitated and upset and some of that concerned him directly (see Busted for more details). I was trying to breathe as much as possible and put all the concerns from the night before out of my mind. I couldn't help but feel nervous, though, especially since on top of that, I had a difficult conversation to have with Amin.
I met him after my afternoon class on October 11th. We both expected that he would probably arrive first. I was still, however, glancing nervously at my watch, because I was later than I'd hoped. Amin knew that I had given him an approximate time, but I still hate to keep people waiting. When I got to the second floor, though, I didn't see him. I was stunned. I could not possibly have arrived first. I looked again. I checked to see if he had grabbed us a spot. Still nothing. I thought I was going a little crazy. He HAD to be there...
So I decided to browse, or at least look like I was actually browsing until I ran into him. Inside, I was still a little flipped out. Where on earth could he be? I was in the bargain books... hmmmmm... nothing interesting. Then I went, as per my habit, to scan the philosophy section for Blaise Pascal's Pensées. As usual, they had lots of Plato, but no Pascal. Then I tried History. Still no Amin. Good grief, where was he?! If I thought I was out of my tree before arriving, I certainly was by then.
By that time, I was back at the Starbucks, which means I had covered the entire floor. I didn't know what else to do. Suddenly, there he was, saying "Hi". Still surprised, I found myself giving him a hug, which was now officially our greeting. I didn't beleive it. I had seen him without knowing it. I hadn't recognized him in this red, black and white plaid shirt from behind. He confirmed it by telling me that he had been browsing in the religion section: I had certainly seen him. I simply told him that he had been in one of the best sections in Chapters; it was entirely true and I must confess that I was impressed.
We got into the Starbucks line. Just as we were approaching the counter, Amin turned to me and asked me if he could get me my hot chocolate, on the occasion of it being my birthday that week. I knew that it was important to him to take a girl out, so I thought he might play the birthday card to that end. I had thus decided in advance what my answer would be should he do that. I had decided to let him have a turn doing what was comfortable for him, as he had let me do what was comfortable for me. I also reasoned that if he was at the friendship level in my book, it was totally legitimate for him to get me my hot chocolate, because friends can do that sometimes, particularly if it is your birthday. Seeing it in that light made it easier for me to accept and be gracious. I hope I pulled that off.
We got a seat near the window looking out over Saint Catherine street. Instead of sitting across from me, he pulled his chair up right next to me. He said that it was so that he could hear me clearly, differentiate my voice from the background noise. Normally that Starbucks is rather on the quiet side, but I could not successfully argue that on that day; it was rather noisier than usual. Amin added, "I need to hear every word because every word you use is important." I clearly knew too many guys whose philosophy was that women say too many inanities. Even some of the people closest to me kindly remind me sometimes when I am redundant or long-winded. I could hardly believe it: here was someone who was hanging on my every word! Talk about validating. He seemed to understand the concept that each word has meaning and importance and reveals something about the personality of the speaker or writer. I don't know many people who believe this. I was amazed. I would later discover that Amin is not only attentive to such details, but also has a phenomenal memory for them! Stop the press: a guy who actually remembers things! In fact, he remembers so faithfully that his recall exceeds mine at times (and I have always had a very long and accurate memory).
We talked for a few minutes on general subjects. I felt the need to warm up a bit before plunging right into serious ones. However, I also did not have unlimited time, due to another commitment. So I soon began with, "I said I had a few things to tell you..." I knew that I could not wait any longer to tell him about my problematic relationship with my father. From the very first, Amin had referred to me as a "family-oriented person". I felt I really needed to correct this impression. I have family values, but I am not tight with my whole family. It was important for me to say because he very well could have been looking for a girl from a solid family, brought up with good values and who also got along well with each member of her family. It is really important to some people and that is kind of how Amin read to me. So I strongly felt the need to dispel the myth I thought he must believe about my familial relationships. It was also a big piece of the puzzle to understanding my personality and my general feelings towards men, in essence, something that a friend should probably know and that a potential date should definitely know.
I think I was too nervous to be particularly articulate that day. I remember having difficulty explaining myself and often stopping abruptly trying to find words or link to the next idea. Amin was patient and mostly just listened. Finally, he told me that the family dynamics I was describing to him were not unfamiliar and were in fact much like his own. It was such a relief to know that he understood from personal experience what my family situation is like. He was pretty quiet talking about it and his calmness was transferring to me a little. I thought right then that he probably had the potential to teach me how to be calmer about my relationship with my Dad. I was starting to feel less nervous as the conversation continued. Amin reassured me that when he had said "family-oriented", he did not mean that he expected I necessarily had a perfect relationship with all the members of my family. So despite what I told him that day, he still considered me family-oriented. He reminded me of something he had said about my facebook pictures; he had remarked that I was a caring sister, because it was plain to see from any pictures of the two of us. So I passed on this count.
The other thing I wanted to discuss with Amin was vibes. Both he and I had gotten rather agitated while chatting on October 4th upon the discovery that we had both felt the same energy during our first date. He was rather more unsettled, because it was the first time he had had an experience like that. For me it was not the first time and I had vaguely typed something like this once or twice. So I thought I should sit him down and explain to him what that meant and tell him what I had experienced in the past. Doing this could have had one of several outcomes, mainly revolving around whether or not he believed what I had to say. So, at the risk of sounding like I was making something up, or that I was a bit nutty, I told him about my past experience. My goal had been to give him information and explanations to hopefully put his mind at ease. Well, at least as much "at ease" as you can feel when you are experiencing this kind of vibes.
I talk generally sometimes about "getting vibes" from people. This is something that many people experience; they have an instinct or unexplained "feeling" about someone or something. Sometimes, for example, when you first meet someone, you get "good vibes", because you are sensing positive energy from that person, without your even knowing them that well. Conversely, you can also feel strange or have other forms of negative energy when you are around a person, or are in a particular place or situation. Some people argue that these sorts of feelings arise from causes you are not aware of, such as subconscious observation of body language or facial expressions, the tone of someone's voice or their choice of words, etc. I believe, though, that you can get a sense of someone or of their feelings without many or occasionally any such cues. When I was dating Frédérick, I had moments when I could sense energy from him devoid of any cues. I could be at home alone, not hearing his voice on the phone, not reading an e-mail he sent me or anything like that, and yet, I seemed to know what he was thinking about or what he was feeling at that precise moment. This kind of vibe intensified a lot when he broke up with me. I would feel some of his emotions very strongly, so strongly, in fact, that sometimes the sheer intensity would leave me shaking for hours afterwards. When you feel someone else's emotions in this capacity, this is when you cross over to empathing. I do not consider myself an empath, because I do not feel different people's emotions; I only ever received some of Frédérick's. It was extremely unsettling for me, because I never knew when these feelings that were not mine would come and disrupt my day. I sought some advice to at least shield my sleep, so that I didn't have to feel worried about my dreams being invaded. It was not a fool-proof system, but it helped a lot. It took years for these stray vibes to subside.
Amin didn't react too much when I told him the whole of this history. I therefore couldn't gauge too much what he thought. He seemed to be searching for the meaning of exchanging energy or vibes with me. I wished I had a clear answer for him. It is the very question that had been continuously coming back to my mind. The most I could say was that it made me feel that we had met for a reason. What we decided after that was entirely up to us. Our meeting, however, seemed significant and doubtless, I imagined, we were supposed to learn something important from one another. I said something similar as we parted ways that day: that I knew I liked him, but just not how much yet. I didn't know whether these vibes were indicating we were supposed to meet and be good friends, or whether it meant that we were supposed to date. That was a decision I was unsure of.
As you can imagine, such discussions were fairly lengthy and I ended up staying longer than I had hoped. As I mentioned I should head home, Amin surprised me with a birthday present. It was my first and only early birthday present. It was a book entitled Empire of the Mind, A History of Iran. It was just what I needed, because I really knew nothing about Iran and was interested to learn so that I could understand Amin better. I was delighted because it was so very thoughtful of him. It was the nicest early birthday present I had received in a very long time.
Amin was pleasantly surprised when I found him a spot in my schedule that second week of October. My comfort level with him was such that I felt, though our first dates were spectacular in nature, we didn't need to stand on ceremony and could plan something more casual. I thought it would be good to sit down across from him at a table since neither of our meetings had yet taken this format. There were a couple of serious subjects I needed to sit him down and talk about in person (they had been touched upon in certain online chats, but never directly). Since discovering that he was also a chocoholic, I had made up my mind that we should go to the Starbucks at Chapters for hot chocolate, to which Amin heartily agreed.
It was not all that easy to meet him on that day. Like I mentioned in some earlier posts, it felt strange to let him push ahead to a third date ahead of the others. I had also been up late the night before rather agitated and upset and some of that concerned him directly (see Busted for more details). I was trying to breathe as much as possible and put all the concerns from the night before out of my mind. I couldn't help but feel nervous, though, especially since on top of that, I had a difficult conversation to have with Amin.
I met him after my afternoon class on October 11th. We both expected that he would probably arrive first. I was still, however, glancing nervously at my watch, because I was later than I'd hoped. Amin knew that I had given him an approximate time, but I still hate to keep people waiting. When I got to the second floor, though, I didn't see him. I was stunned. I could not possibly have arrived first. I looked again. I checked to see if he had grabbed us a spot. Still nothing. I thought I was going a little crazy. He HAD to be there...
So I decided to browse, or at least look like I was actually browsing until I ran into him. Inside, I was still a little flipped out. Where on earth could he be? I was in the bargain books... hmmmmm... nothing interesting. Then I went, as per my habit, to scan the philosophy section for Blaise Pascal's Pensées. As usual, they had lots of Plato, but no Pascal. Then I tried History. Still no Amin. Good grief, where was he?! If I thought I was out of my tree before arriving, I certainly was by then.
By that time, I was back at the Starbucks, which means I had covered the entire floor. I didn't know what else to do. Suddenly, there he was, saying "Hi". Still surprised, I found myself giving him a hug, which was now officially our greeting. I didn't beleive it. I had seen him without knowing it. I hadn't recognized him in this red, black and white plaid shirt from behind. He confirmed it by telling me that he had been browsing in the religion section: I had certainly seen him. I simply told him that he had been in one of the best sections in Chapters; it was entirely true and I must confess that I was impressed.
We got into the Starbucks line. Just as we were approaching the counter, Amin turned to me and asked me if he could get me my hot chocolate, on the occasion of it being my birthday that week. I knew that it was important to him to take a girl out, so I thought he might play the birthday card to that end. I had thus decided in advance what my answer would be should he do that. I had decided to let him have a turn doing what was comfortable for him, as he had let me do what was comfortable for me. I also reasoned that if he was at the friendship level in my book, it was totally legitimate for him to get me my hot chocolate, because friends can do that sometimes, particularly if it is your birthday. Seeing it in that light made it easier for me to accept and be gracious. I hope I pulled that off.
We got a seat near the window looking out over Saint Catherine street. Instead of sitting across from me, he pulled his chair up right next to me. He said that it was so that he could hear me clearly, differentiate my voice from the background noise. Normally that Starbucks is rather on the quiet side, but I could not successfully argue that on that day; it was rather noisier than usual. Amin added, "I need to hear every word because every word you use is important." I clearly knew too many guys whose philosophy was that women say too many inanities. Even some of the people closest to me kindly remind me sometimes when I am redundant or long-winded. I could hardly believe it: here was someone who was hanging on my every word! Talk about validating. He seemed to understand the concept that each word has meaning and importance and reveals something about the personality of the speaker or writer. I don't know many people who believe this. I was amazed. I would later discover that Amin is not only attentive to such details, but also has a phenomenal memory for them! Stop the press: a guy who actually remembers things! In fact, he remembers so faithfully that his recall exceeds mine at times (and I have always had a very long and accurate memory).
We talked for a few minutes on general subjects. I felt the need to warm up a bit before plunging right into serious ones. However, I also did not have unlimited time, due to another commitment. So I soon began with, "I said I had a few things to tell you..." I knew that I could not wait any longer to tell him about my problematic relationship with my father. From the very first, Amin had referred to me as a "family-oriented person". I felt I really needed to correct this impression. I have family values, but I am not tight with my whole family. It was important for me to say because he very well could have been looking for a girl from a solid family, brought up with good values and who also got along well with each member of her family. It is really important to some people and that is kind of how Amin read to me. So I strongly felt the need to dispel the myth I thought he must believe about my familial relationships. It was also a big piece of the puzzle to understanding my personality and my general feelings towards men, in essence, something that a friend should probably know and that a potential date should definitely know.
I think I was too nervous to be particularly articulate that day. I remember having difficulty explaining myself and often stopping abruptly trying to find words or link to the next idea. Amin was patient and mostly just listened. Finally, he told me that the family dynamics I was describing to him were not unfamiliar and were in fact much like his own. It was such a relief to know that he understood from personal experience what my family situation is like. He was pretty quiet talking about it and his calmness was transferring to me a little. I thought right then that he probably had the potential to teach me how to be calmer about my relationship with my Dad. I was starting to feel less nervous as the conversation continued. Amin reassured me that when he had said "family-oriented", he did not mean that he expected I necessarily had a perfect relationship with all the members of my family. So despite what I told him that day, he still considered me family-oriented. He reminded me of something he had said about my facebook pictures; he had remarked that I was a caring sister, because it was plain to see from any pictures of the two of us. So I passed on this count.
The other thing I wanted to discuss with Amin was vibes. Both he and I had gotten rather agitated while chatting on October 4th upon the discovery that we had both felt the same energy during our first date. He was rather more unsettled, because it was the first time he had had an experience like that. For me it was not the first time and I had vaguely typed something like this once or twice. So I thought I should sit him down and explain to him what that meant and tell him what I had experienced in the past. Doing this could have had one of several outcomes, mainly revolving around whether or not he believed what I had to say. So, at the risk of sounding like I was making something up, or that I was a bit nutty, I told him about my past experience. My goal had been to give him information and explanations to hopefully put his mind at ease. Well, at least as much "at ease" as you can feel when you are experiencing this kind of vibes.
I talk generally sometimes about "getting vibes" from people. This is something that many people experience; they have an instinct or unexplained "feeling" about someone or something. Sometimes, for example, when you first meet someone, you get "good vibes", because you are sensing positive energy from that person, without your even knowing them that well. Conversely, you can also feel strange or have other forms of negative energy when you are around a person, or are in a particular place or situation. Some people argue that these sorts of feelings arise from causes you are not aware of, such as subconscious observation of body language or facial expressions, the tone of someone's voice or their choice of words, etc. I believe, though, that you can get a sense of someone or of their feelings without many or occasionally any such cues. When I was dating Frédérick, I had moments when I could sense energy from him devoid of any cues. I could be at home alone, not hearing his voice on the phone, not reading an e-mail he sent me or anything like that, and yet, I seemed to know what he was thinking about or what he was feeling at that precise moment. This kind of vibe intensified a lot when he broke up with me. I would feel some of his emotions very strongly, so strongly, in fact, that sometimes the sheer intensity would leave me shaking for hours afterwards. When you feel someone else's emotions in this capacity, this is when you cross over to empathing. I do not consider myself an empath, because I do not feel different people's emotions; I only ever received some of Frédérick's. It was extremely unsettling for me, because I never knew when these feelings that were not mine would come and disrupt my day. I sought some advice to at least shield my sleep, so that I didn't have to feel worried about my dreams being invaded. It was not a fool-proof system, but it helped a lot. It took years for these stray vibes to subside.
Amin didn't react too much when I told him the whole of this history. I therefore couldn't gauge too much what he thought. He seemed to be searching for the meaning of exchanging energy or vibes with me. I wished I had a clear answer for him. It is the very question that had been continuously coming back to my mind. The most I could say was that it made me feel that we had met for a reason. What we decided after that was entirely up to us. Our meeting, however, seemed significant and doubtless, I imagined, we were supposed to learn something important from one another. I said something similar as we parted ways that day: that I knew I liked him, but just not how much yet. I didn't know whether these vibes were indicating we were supposed to meet and be good friends, or whether it meant that we were supposed to date. That was a decision I was unsure of.
As you can imagine, such discussions were fairly lengthy and I ended up staying longer than I had hoped. As I mentioned I should head home, Amin surprised me with a birthday present. It was my first and only early birthday present. It was a book entitled Empire of the Mind, A History of Iran. It was just what I needed, because I really knew nothing about Iran and was interested to learn so that I could understand Amin better. I was delighted because it was so very thoughtful of him. It was the nicest early birthday present I had received in a very long time.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Busted
Hopeful 7 Hopeless 3
When Patrick e-mailed me the second week of October, like I said, he wrote that we should "get back to each other" about details for a second date. It was really the postscript of that e-mail that stuck with me. He said, "P.S. Je suis resté très surpris quand je suis tombé par hasard sur ton blogue !!" He just dropped a bomb on me!
I was totally busted! One of the nine had found my blog. Thomas and Amin knew about the blog, but they discovered this because I told them and because I was comfortable telling them. Besides, Amin did not read my blog and Thomas only had some vague curiosity about it. Patrick on the other hand had found it himself. I had not had the chance to explain anything to him. "What must he think of me!" I wondered. It was not possible to tell, since all he wrote was that he had found my blog "by chance".
I knew that when I put this blog online, this was a distinct possibility. So when I chose to post, I chose to assume the consequences of having this content online, consequences such as Plenty of Fish guys reading it. I just had not really expected it to happen. That is why I was shocked when it did. I was especially surprised that Patrick should say that he found it "by chance". That did not seem right to me. I had checked myself to see how easy it was to Google my blog. It was not that easy when I tried it. He had also mentioned to me during our first date that if you put your real name on your Plenty of Fish profile, people can Google you. That made it sound like he was accustomed to Googling himself. I Googled my pseudonym and was pleased to find that there was an actress and also a singer by that name. That added strength to my case that it was highly unlikely for any of the Plenty of Fish guys to find my blog. So in my mind, Patrick had to have been Googling and trying pretty hard to find it.
I was having an aneurism. I was not only shocked, but also flipped out. I was chatting with Thomas that evening and had already been agitated before finding this e-mail. The conversation file, in fact, was later titled "On avoiding aneurisms". "Aneurism" was the word that had come to mind that evening, when I was confiding in Thomas about something that was worrying me. Directly related to what was worrying me was the matter of my feeling pressure from being the only candidate for him and Amin. I may have had a few choices from Plenty of Fish, but both Amin and Thomas were not considering anyone but me. I knew I could only choose them if they were right for me, but it was not the same as with the others, who also had other options. I felt this was more delicate and that the chance of my hurting Amin or Thomas was greater under the circumstances. As they both knew, because of Kyle, I was terrified of that. For whatever reason, the pressure was really getting to me that day and I was having a meltdown. Thomas was being a good and sympathetic listener as usual and was helping calm me down. It was also memorable because that is officially the day that he removed himself from my list. He told me to stop thinking in terms of potential. He told me that he was comfortable getting to know me better, but that it was not a good time in his life to be dating anyone. He seemed to think that this was sufficiently clear based on one or two previous conversations, but that is when it crystallized for me. Up until that point, Thomas was a front-runner on my list. So taking a step back felt a bit strange, but it was also a huge relief for me that evening.
Understandably I was already in a tumultuous emotional state that evening when Patrick's e-mail came in. Thomas had been helpful to make me feel calmer, but that pushed me back over the edge. Since we had agreed to talk about "lighter" things in order to feel better, I did not tell him until later about the e-mail. I simply said that I was having a secondary aneurism, but that I was trying not to think about it. That was true: I tried to put the e-mail out of my mind. After all, it was not something that I could solve that night. I would need to sleep on it, to be sure. The earliest I could possibly reply was the next day. I stayed up for awhile longer chatting and finally, when I felt calm enough, I went to bed.
When Patrick e-mailed me the second week of October, like I said, he wrote that we should "get back to each other" about details for a second date. It was really the postscript of that e-mail that stuck with me. He said, "P.S. Je suis resté très surpris quand je suis tombé par hasard sur ton blogue !!" He just dropped a bomb on me!
I was totally busted! One of the nine had found my blog. Thomas and Amin knew about the blog, but they discovered this because I told them and because I was comfortable telling them. Besides, Amin did not read my blog and Thomas only had some vague curiosity about it. Patrick on the other hand had found it himself. I had not had the chance to explain anything to him. "What must he think of me!" I wondered. It was not possible to tell, since all he wrote was that he had found my blog "by chance".
I knew that when I put this blog online, this was a distinct possibility. So when I chose to post, I chose to assume the consequences of having this content online, consequences such as Plenty of Fish guys reading it. I just had not really expected it to happen. That is why I was shocked when it did. I was especially surprised that Patrick should say that he found it "by chance". That did not seem right to me. I had checked myself to see how easy it was to Google my blog. It was not that easy when I tried it. He had also mentioned to me during our first date that if you put your real name on your Plenty of Fish profile, people can Google you. That made it sound like he was accustomed to Googling himself. I Googled my pseudonym and was pleased to find that there was an actress and also a singer by that name. That added strength to my case that it was highly unlikely for any of the Plenty of Fish guys to find my blog. So in my mind, Patrick had to have been Googling and trying pretty hard to find it.
I was having an aneurism. I was not only shocked, but also flipped out. I was chatting with Thomas that evening and had already been agitated before finding this e-mail. The conversation file, in fact, was later titled "On avoiding aneurisms". "Aneurism" was the word that had come to mind that evening, when I was confiding in Thomas about something that was worrying me. Directly related to what was worrying me was the matter of my feeling pressure from being the only candidate for him and Amin. I may have had a few choices from Plenty of Fish, but both Amin and Thomas were not considering anyone but me. I knew I could only choose them if they were right for me, but it was not the same as with the others, who also had other options. I felt this was more delicate and that the chance of my hurting Amin or Thomas was greater under the circumstances. As they both knew, because of Kyle, I was terrified of that. For whatever reason, the pressure was really getting to me that day and I was having a meltdown. Thomas was being a good and sympathetic listener as usual and was helping calm me down. It was also memorable because that is officially the day that he removed himself from my list. He told me to stop thinking in terms of potential. He told me that he was comfortable getting to know me better, but that it was not a good time in his life to be dating anyone. He seemed to think that this was sufficiently clear based on one or two previous conversations, but that is when it crystallized for me. Up until that point, Thomas was a front-runner on my list. So taking a step back felt a bit strange, but it was also a huge relief for me that evening.
Understandably I was already in a tumultuous emotional state that evening when Patrick's e-mail came in. Thomas had been helpful to make me feel calmer, but that pushed me back over the edge. Since we had agreed to talk about "lighter" things in order to feel better, I did not tell him until later about the e-mail. I simply said that I was having a secondary aneurism, but that I was trying not to think about it. That was true: I tried to put the e-mail out of my mind. After all, it was not something that I could solve that night. I would need to sleep on it, to be sure. The earliest I could possibly reply was the next day. I stayed up for awhile longer chatting and finally, when I felt calm enough, I went to bed.
Round of Second Dates
Hopeful 7 Hopeless 3
After the Gardens date, I felt it necessary to even out the playing field. I needed to meet the two I hadn't met yet (Thomas and Alexandre) and then begin the round of second dates. As I mentioned in my post Born to Fly, it took me awhile to come back down after the Gardens and regain some objectivity. The idea of going on dates with other guys made me feel strange at first, but by the time I met Thomas, I was back on track for my project. I was more determined than ever to be fair and give each of them a chance to show me whether or not we were a good fit.
After meeting Thomas, I e-mailed Alexandre and Patrick. I had started becoming accustomed to Patrick's rhythm in answering messages, which was moderate, and figured that he would probably not be ready by the second week of October, but perhaps the third. Alexandre, however, I expected to fit in during the second week of October, because his quick reply had suggested we had the same lunch break two days a week. I figured I would meet him and that since I was going out for my birthday with friends, my social calendar would be maxed out for that week.
My plans shifted, though, as plans often do. Patrick e-mailed mid-week with a non-committal sort of answer (I will talk about it in the next post). Alexandre was finally not available due to all the rushing around that goes with the first weeks of a new university term. By mid-week, Thomas asked if he could "get me a slice of cake" since it was my birthday. I put him off because his offer was for the following week and I didn't know how it was shaping up.
So the week turned out much different than I had anticipated. At that point, I was faced with a decision: either to go out with no one, or to see Amin again. His schedule allowed for the most flexibility out of the four, something that also explained his ability to chat with me every day. We had one compatible spot in our schedules that week and I decided to take it. There were a couple of important things I wanted to discuss with him in person, rather than online. At the time, that seemed more pressing than worries about how that would mean a third date for Amin and thus be unfair for the others. For whatever the reason, it truly felt like those subjects could simply not wait much longer.
After the Gardens date, I felt it necessary to even out the playing field. I needed to meet the two I hadn't met yet (Thomas and Alexandre) and then begin the round of second dates. As I mentioned in my post Born to Fly, it took me awhile to come back down after the Gardens and regain some objectivity. The idea of going on dates with other guys made me feel strange at first, but by the time I met Thomas, I was back on track for my project. I was more determined than ever to be fair and give each of them a chance to show me whether or not we were a good fit.
After meeting Thomas, I e-mailed Alexandre and Patrick. I had started becoming accustomed to Patrick's rhythm in answering messages, which was moderate, and figured that he would probably not be ready by the second week of October, but perhaps the third. Alexandre, however, I expected to fit in during the second week of October, because his quick reply had suggested we had the same lunch break two days a week. I figured I would meet him and that since I was going out for my birthday with friends, my social calendar would be maxed out for that week.
My plans shifted, though, as plans often do. Patrick e-mailed mid-week with a non-committal sort of answer (I will talk about it in the next post). Alexandre was finally not available due to all the rushing around that goes with the first weeks of a new university term. By mid-week, Thomas asked if he could "get me a slice of cake" since it was my birthday. I put him off because his offer was for the following week and I didn't know how it was shaping up.
So the week turned out much different than I had anticipated. At that point, I was faced with a decision: either to go out with no one, or to see Amin again. His schedule allowed for the most flexibility out of the four, something that also explained his ability to chat with me every day. We had one compatible spot in our schedules that week and I decided to take it. There were a couple of important things I wanted to discuss with him in person, rather than online. At the time, that seemed more pressing than worries about how that would mean a third date for Amin and thus be unfair for the others. For whatever the reason, it truly felt like those subjects could simply not wait much longer.
Happy New Year
Hopeful 7 Hopeless 3
Happy New Year to all of my readers! Best wishes for health, prosperity and happiness in 2013. I would like to send special wishes to my readers for love, lots of hope and the ability to see and appreciate beauty and love in the smallest of moments.
This is the time of year for resolutions, so I am starting to think about what I would like to accomplish this year. One I have already decided on is to keep my blog better up to date! I hope to improve upon last year. The other I have in mind for now is to stay Hopeful.
I hope you will also make staying Hopeful one of your resolutions.
~ Elise
This is the time of year for resolutions, so I am starting to think about what I would like to accomplish this year. One I have already decided on is to keep my blog better up to date! I hope to improve upon last year. The other I have in mind for now is to stay Hopeful.
I hope you will also make staying Hopeful one of your resolutions.
~ Elise
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