I remember that he was concerned about being away from me for such awhile right at the beginning of our relationship. I assured him that it would be fine, and that it was important for him to see his family; he hadn't been home in awhile, and they missed each other. I told him that it was not like I was going anywhere, and I'd be there when he got back. He got to see me every week, and the opportunities to see his family were rarer, so I figured he should capitalize on them. Still, it was harder to say goodbye than I imagined, and as I mentioned in my last post, I didn't do such a good job of it, which made me feel awkward.
Most of the awkwardness melted away from continuing to talk pretty much as usual. This was still the days when MSN was online (I miss that chatting platform so so much!). When he was in Montreal, we talked daily, about everything, all the time. I really wonder how we got any school work done, the pair of us! So when he was in Iran, I expected that we would communicate less, because he was busy with his family, and needed to make up for lost time. He also explained to me that the Internet situation is not great in Iran, as many websites are blocked. They still had Google, unlike China, but no social media, and many other websites that we use here in North America every day and simply take for granted. He told me that this would make it more difficult to communicate, and that sometimes there would be lapses of time where he could not connect with me. Connections were less reliable, particularly when using some kind of work-around to bypass the website bans, so he could access things like facebook. He was very motivated to do it, though, and so we stayed in touch with relative ease. I think there was only once or twice he cut out in the middle of a conversation.
In fact, it really began to make me feel concerned at how he was coping with being away. I felt like he was not making the most of the time with his family, which felt to me like a waste. He spent a lot of time at the computer chatting with me, instead of experiencing things with his relatives. I might have suggested quietly once or twice to him that he should spend more time with his family. I did, however, put my foot down one day when I was out shopping with my mother and he had a bit of a meltdown. I had at least three messages from him when I got back, with the tenor of "Where are you?!" and they seemed quite panicked. I told him that it was the middle of the day, I was out, this was Normal, and that he needed to not freak out about that. I said furthermore that this kind of behaviour was excessive, and could even be construed as controlling or stalker-like. So maybe I pushed my point a bit far... It woke him up very fast, though, and he was mortified when he realized how his messages could have come off. Problem nipped in the bud immediately: this never happened again.
The remaining awkwardness resulted from vibes. I just scrolled back through my posts to see how much I had said about them, and I am pleased to see that the subject has had a good preliminary discussion, particularly in the post Two Chocoholics. Certainly since Amin and I first met, we both picked up on each other's feelings in one another's presence. Again, one could argue that we were detecting facial cues, or noticing body language, or something of that sort that would give an indication of how the other one was feeling. This cannot explain how we were able to sense one another's feelings when not physically together. This simply continued as usual while Amin was away, despite the distance being multiplied exponentially across continents. Perhaps this explains part of Amin's desire to talk to me a lot from Iran. I know at least one time he was visibly distracted in company: it was New Year's Eve, and he was sitting around the table with many relatives. I knew it was midnight there already, so I was fantasizing about that New Year's kiss I had never yet had, but seen so many times in movies. Amin felt that, and got such a look on his face, that people asked him what was wrong, and if he was okay. If anything, I think our psychic bond was growing stronger.
Absence can certainly make you grow fonder of another person. I think it is the yearning that can make you pull closer. I had asked Amin how to say "I miss you" in Farsi. He explained that you say "my heart is narrow for you" ("delam barat tang shode"). He said that was supposed to be the image of how it feels when you miss someone, how your heart gets narrower. I immediately recognized that tight feeling in your chest as your heart is hurting, as though no air can get to it, or you can't breathe anymore. I marveled that Farsi had an expression precisely for that feeling. I'm still amazed at what a beautiful, clever, and evocative language it is.
P.S. Since I do not have a better place for this, I am going to finish this post with the beautiful Christmas e-card that Amin sent me. He delayed delivery, because he knew he would be traveling on December 25th. I was so touched! From what I remember of the attached message, he called me his "Christmas angel" 💖https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRNXC8dRMII
