The last few weeks, there have been some memories that have just been replaying over and over in my mind. The mind can be fickle sometimes, and tends to show you a lot of things that make you sad when you are feeling down. I thought this might be a good subject for a blog post, and even that entered into my dreams and gave me a nightmare about how I hadn't made this post yet.
Why do we remember some things so clearly, and struggle to recall others? They say sometimes that certain things soften over time and we tend to remember happier things rather than sadder things. I think they say that especially after someone has died. A breakup causes grief a bit akin to the death of someone. I think over time, I've been a bit calmer when recalling things about my past relationships, not so hurt. But the last few weeks, I've been having these memories surfacing all the time, all the bad ones, playing over and over in my mind during my waking and sleeping hours. It's really a time when I wish I could have forgotten these things long past.
All of these memories have been times where I have felt hurt with Charlie or Jeremy. It even comes up in converation with people. I was talking with a friend the other day, and I remarked how he is a planner. I told him that I am a planner too because of my CFS. Of course, I often need to adjust plans with symptoms that show up unexpectedly, but I do try to map out times in the day when I can work and when I can rest. I wanted him to know that I understood, which not everyone does, and that it was cool by me. Then before I knew what I was saying, what came out of my mouth was a story about how Charlie told me that it was a buzzkill how I was never spontaneous. That is one way to view the world, and not the only way. It was also unfair and hurtful of him to say. I know this, so I don't see the point of revisiting such a harsh and untrue assessment of me.
I've also been having a lot of imaginary arguments. I did this a lot after my breakup with Charlie. I would take things he said to me, and answer them. For example, that thing he said about how planning everything really made me a not fun person. I would say something like, "But I am capable of being spontaneous too! Don't you remember when I did spontaneous thing x, y, and z? And you know why I plan; I have good reasons!" This is perhaps not the best example, but I would be justifying to him, often out loud, who I am, and why I do what I do. I was answering him back for all those times I had been silent. My therapist said that this is what I was doing, but I was weary of having the same conversations both in my sessions, and apparently with myself at home. I had established that things went poorly with Charlie because he was sick, and the dynamic turned into an abusive one, and I made myself into a pretzel trying to fix things. I knew this. I firmly believe this. But seemingly I needed to go over it again and again with myself, prove it to myself. I really wished it was just firmly established for me, because if I'm having to confirm it in some way, it is not all the way there. And it means I have to constantly relive these moments I'd rather forget.
I've started having arguments primarily with Jeremy lately. I was telling him things I would not tolerate from him, and stuff he did that sucked. This was probably prompted a lot by a conversation which we had on June 3rd. In way of making me feel like a burden on him and his time, he had suggested many times, including before we broke up officially, that I schedule his time. We scheduled up to 2.5 hours on June 3rd. He had had some questions about what I was doing in my PhD research, and caught me at a bad time, so I had asked if we could pick it up at another time. He told me he had been meaning to talk to me about something anyway, so could we schedule time. I declined a time he offered after his exercise, because I knew from experience that any time he is tired, which he would be after his long swim at the gym, that there is no quality with him. I picked a morning time, when he is freshest and I was likely to get the best quality I would get with him. It was a 7 minute converation, in which he told me that he did not remember at all how he had said he wanted to talk to me about something, or what that was. He seemed to think he was there to help me with my research. I told him that was not the case. So I asked if he was curious about something; he certainly had been curious in our previous conversation, full of questions. He said no, there was nothing he wanted to know about my research. It was the lamest conversation ever. I walked away from that reeling. I know I've had a few imaginary things to say to Jeremy about it. I think one of the thoughts that has come back a lot is, "You don't remember anything that's important! You remembered that I forgot my sunglasses when I went to Vancouver last year, but not why I was going this year: my best friend's wedding. You're so lame you couldn't even remember what you wanted to talk about. BUT YOU REMEMBERED THE STUPID SUNGLASSES that don't matter at all!" Why is it that women remember everything, and men forget everything?
I just wish that forgeting were easier, and that time was faster at healing.
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