Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Vhat Vas Ve Qvestion?

Hopeful 1  Hopeless 9

This is how I felt on October 15th after a conversation I had with Thomas.  My mood turned abruptly while I was chatting with him online.  In my own words from after that conversation: "It's on days like this where I want to give up on men entirely and am inclined to believe that there is not one decent man on this planet" (hence the hopeful-hopeless count).  When I first wrote this entry on paper (most of the time, my ideas and emotions flow much better on paper, which was the case that day!), I had explained the context in which this question arose.  I realized later, that there was no context in which this question could be understandable or admissible whatsoever, making half of what I wrote completely irrelevant.  This is a question you never ask a girl.

There are a few questions that you never ask a girl.  The first one, I think, is her age.  This is something you learn if you have been brought up with proper manners.  The second, is her weight.  Beyond basic politeness, it is simply that women tend to be insecure about these two things.  It is difficult when media, society and a million other factors are constantly pressuring women to look younger and slimmer all the time.  Don't add to her potential self-esteem problems by asking her such questions.  The question Thomas asked me was right up there with these two.  I wrote on that day: "I nearly choked.  Since when is it okay to just ask that question?  I was so shocked.  The audacity!"

I don't care what times we live in or again under what circumstances this question comes up.  It is unacceptable to ask a girl, "Are you a virgin?"  It is rude and inappropriate to ask such a personal question.  In fact, that question is not only personal, it is rather private.  Normally that kind of information, any information regarding sexual contact or experience is for the girl to know and for her to share with her partner.  It is not for common knowledge, merely to satisfy someone's curiosity.  If indeed, she felt the need to share this kind of information with someone other than her partner, it would have to come from her.  She would have to open up to you about it and not because you asked her.

Furthermore, this information, though it can perhaps make people curious, should not be sought after in the first place.  You may have your own guess (Thomas' was instantly clear when he posed that question), but that is not something you should utter out loud.  If you could refrain from guessing and wondering altogether, that would be even better.  The question of whether or not someone you know is a virgin should not be relevant.  You should not have a different opinion of them based on that, just like you should not think differently of them based on their age, or their weight, or their religion or their ethnic background or a million other things.  Take those things out of the equation and look at the person and their qualities and form your opinion of them based on those things.  Use as few labels as possible, because they usually end up being harmful one way or another.

It had been occurring to me that Thomas and I were not well matched before that day.  A few days earlier, I had blurted during a conversation with him: "What is it about you that seems to bring out all my insecurities and apprehensions?"  This is very important also to consider when you are looking for a potential partner: does this person bring out the best in you?  I know from my experience with my Dad that a guy can bring out the worst in a girl.  I didn't always like who I was when I talked to Thomas.  He seemed to draw out more of my negative emotions.  He certainly did on that day, though I didn't let him have it like I should've.  I was just too shocked in that moment.  I felt betrayed too.  That is the sort of moment I regretted letting him get to know me better.  That is what I meant when I said that I didn't want just anyone to know my name and have access to my facebook page.  I had given him my trust and he screwed up.  He knew he screwed up too, even as he was asking that question.  He should've listened to his instincts and buttoned up.  Though you cannot presume to understand someone based on one thing they said or did, it was finally clear to me that Thomas and I were not compatible enough to date.  He had told me he did not want to date at the moment, but that day is when I realized that even if he wanted to date later and I was in fact available, it would not fly.  At that moment, I was thinking we might not even be compatible enough to be friends.  If Thomas wanted to be friends, he was going to have to make a serious effort to earn my trust back. 

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