Thursday, 14 March 2013

Coming to a Head

Hopeful 7     Hopeless   3

During the week I was waiting to tell Amin that I wanted to date him, several things occurred.  Something I didn't mention in my entry "The Fight" was that Amin had been a front-runner amongst the Plenty of Fish guys for awhile.  At that point, I had still had Patrick and Alexandre on my list.  Alexandre simply never got back to me about meeting, so I didn't chase after him.  Patrick, however, e-mailed during that week, which was a fresh reminder of this list I had made.

Patrick had discovered my blog.  I had not asked him what he had read (though I had been dying to), but prayed him not to read further.  Originally I had asked him if he wanted to see the Impressionist exhibit at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts.  I had begun slowly to feel differently and to regret proposing that we go, because all I could think is how I should much rather go with Amin.  I went back on it by offering a tea date to explain myself and my blog.  Patrick, in his response in that last week of October, did not bite.  He preferred to keep the museum date or suggested going for Indian food or something.  He had plenty to say, though, about the blog.  He admitted to having read the entry about his date and also the one I had with Huiqi.  He said that my assessment of the date we had had pretty much reflected what he had observed and felt.  What he elaborated on was what I had to say about Huiqi.  He felt it was his duty to warn me that Huiqi did not sound "romantic" at all and that I should be careful of insecure guys like him.  Patrick said that he did not wish for his advice to be intrusive.  I am not sure that I felt so much that he was overstepping his bounds; he was simply expressing a frank opinion.  However, it is the tone he used, not just in that section, but throughout the e-mail, that gave me a bad feeling.  It made me feel like he considered me younger, less experienced and perhaps inferior to him in some way.  I re-read it a lot, but I always got the same impression.  Almost all the guys I had corresponded with on Plenty of Fish had been older than me, but none of them had made me to feel it.  Patrick did.  I did not like that feeling, so I went with my instincts.  Patrick and I had talked about being open to the possibility of friendship if we didn't want to date, but that email really didn't make me feel very good, so I didn't make that overture in the response.

Though I had already chosen Amin in my mind, it just went to show that none of the other guys had been suitable enough.  Patrick confirmed that for me in that last week of October.  And little did he know that I had ceased to consider Huiqi after awhile.  Poor Patrick!  If only he had known that by that time, I had determined that even if I didn't want to date any other of the Plenty of Fish guys, I could not date Huiqi.  I had not received a lot of news from Huiqi, but one of the e-mails I did get talked about how I was "lucky" to have my illness because it gave me occasion to sleep more than most other people for my health and that sleep literally made you "beautiful" (as in "beauty-sleep"!).  This basic lack of understanding of my illness and what I have to manage on a daily basis I knew would not fly.  People like this I can keep as acquaintances and perhaps as friends sometimes, but they are not boyfriend material.

It reaffirmed for me that Amin was my choice.  There were truly no other possibilities but him.  He beat out all of the Plenty of Fish guys.  More importantly, he was my choice out of all the other guys on the planet.  I became surer and surer all the time that he was the person I wanted to date.

However, Amin and I had a conversation that week that further complicated matters.  One thing that he had been very up-front about from the start was that all Iranian men have compulsory military service to complete and that he had not done this yet.  He was slated to go back to Iran in 2014 after getting his PhD to fulfil this obligation to his country.  What he told me, though, on October 22nd, was that the girl he chose would have to be okay with a separation of 2 years.  That was not a commitment I could possibly make at that stage.  I knew he was a very monogamous person, but I could not promise him forever when that amount of time can change a person so much.  It can certainly change a person if they are in any kind of combat or other traumatic kind of situation.  The truth was, I didn't know much about what the military service entailed, so I couldn't say for certain that any feelings for him could withstand that kind of obstacle.  Yet, it was very important to him.  Horrified, I realized that it was a deal-breaker for him.  I had one of his deal-breakers.

After we said good night in Farsi (the one thing he had taught me to say), I cried myself to sleep.  It was a wretched feeling.  I had finally managed to figure out that I liked Amin, only to discover that it was not possible to date him.  I would have to seriously modify what I had planned to say to him that Friday.  I had a miserable next day.  I did not want to talk to him.  I felt I couldn't bring myself to pretend that everything was okay when it was not.  Something prompted me to chat with him anyways that evening.  It cheered me up slightly.

While I was chatting with him, I was finishing up my blog entry about the Gardens date.  Amin was really eager to see what I thought about it.  We had talked about it a little, but I had not told him everything and promised that all the details would be in the entry.  He was so happy with that post that he read it several times.  He was completely floored when he read the part about my feeling like kissing him.  He was surprised, agitated and ecstatic all at once because at the very exact same moment I had felt this, he had too.  He had not wanted to admit as much, because he thought I would find him too forward.  That is the point where I went berserk.  I felt I could not wait any longer, because it was simply torturous.  We had this good connection, which was evidenced by these further vibes which had just been revealed due, once again, to comparing notes with my blog (though I did not mention it in my entry "The Fight", the vibes I'd experienced played a major role in my decision process as well).  I knew, however, that we couldn't date, despite this amazing bond.  Amin knew that I was going to give him my answer on Friday and after this conversation, I was convinced he was going to think that I was ready to date him.  I couldn't stand it anymore.  I had to get that painful conversation over with as fast as possible.  I didn't want him to entertain any false hope any longer than necessary.  I asked if we could move up the meeting to the next day, Thursday, instead.  He agreed.

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