It's Been a Long Time

It’s been a long time since I have updated my blog and I am not better for it.  In the creative exhaustion that grad school brings, and in my stubbornness to write this story in chronological order, I have managed to put a stop to my writing.  The truth, however, is that I need to be hopeful more than ever, so I want to try again.

It was so important for me to let unfold Amin’s story, to show how well-suited and happy we were together, how much in love.  I find it so reductive after breakups to say one sentence or two about how it did not work out.  I think it has been the most reductive for Amin.  It erases everything we had and everything we were to say that he rightly chose to go back to Iran to do his military service and not lose his family forever.

I am undergoing a similar grieving process at the moment.  I was sure I had lost my soul mate in Amin and that I would never love anyone again.  Two breakups later, I at once know that this is not true, but also feel it more than ever.  It has been about five months since Jeremy broke up with me, and I have that same feeling of nothing making sense in my life anymore.  I fight the feeling every day that I lost the love of my life, and that is it for me.

Here is a timeline to help catch you up to the present:

2012 – I met Amin and we started dating

2013 – In March, Amin broke up with me

2014 – I began grad school in Toronto and met Charlie.  We started dating.

2019 – I broke up with Charlie

2020 – I met Jeremy, and we started dating

2023 – At the beginning of April, Jeremy broke up with me

I am trying anything I can to heal from losing Jeremy.  I know myself, and I know how I can stay attached for a very long time.  I’m not getting any younger; it has been ten years since I updated this blog properly, since Amin left.  I don’t want to stay trapped like I did after my breakups with Amin and Charlie.  If any of this feels like you, hopeful reader, I hope you will find comfort in my words.  Sometimes it will be messy or ugly, but I hope we will find our way through.

~ Elise