Hopeful 6 Hopeless 4
To date, I have been making mostly cheerful entries in my blog. I think it is good to include a less cheerful one to give a more balanced view. I do have days when I'm not so hopeful. I am taking the opportunity in this entry to talk about how I was feeling yesterday. The hopeful-hopeless scale is set up today to show how I was feeling on that very gloomy day. The sun never really came up and later in the day, it rained a lot. I was thinking of the song, "Hangin' around, Nothing to do but frown, Rainy days and Mondays, Always get me down". It was one of those days where you have trouble getting yourself up and going, motivated to do anything at all. I just put on some comfy, soft clothes and went to be quiet in my room.
I thought it must be a combination of the weather and hormones that made me feel sad. There were little actual circumstances to explain my feelings. They were flitting in different directions all at once, with the occasional lucid thought. I cannot seem to recall any specific thoughts I was having, though a few did surface, some more or less rational and others complete nonsense. It was one of those days where it is decidedly not fun to be single. Much as I'm happy on my own most of the time, there are days when it feels lonely and incredibly sad. Sometimes on such days, you feel like you're going to be perpetually single, that for the rest of your life you will never have a romantic relationship. Hence "hopeless" being at a higher number than usual!
So I followed my typical ritual yesterday. I ended up with a chocolate craving (go figure!) and so I raided the kitchen for some. I had decided that I should wait till after lunch for a chocolate Drumstick (since it was past 11 in the morning after all). I sought out some small bit of chocolate that was not cold and chewable (hot chocolate was not going to suffice). I found some forgotten Ferrero Rochers, so I ate the three that were available. The other recommendation I always make to my girl friends when they are feeling thus is a movie. I sat at my desk and took a bit of time to browse for something new (I am adept at finding movies to watch online). I ended up with a Hallmark film entitled The Twelve Dates of Christmas. I know that it's not December, not even July, but I have found that these random Christmas films I find online are usually good any time of the year. You may think that it sounds like a dumb movie, but it was better than I expected. The main focus is about a lady healing her life, which is never a bad thing.
I cried a couple of times. Call it hormones, but it did help release some of these upsetting feelings I had (I do believe in cinematherapy). The only thing I didn't do for myself, which again I usually recommend to my friends, is tea. I suppose I had tea with lunch, but I have a special "feel better" tea. By the afternoon, though, I seemed to be feeling better. The motivation to do my school work, which was the truly important thing, seemed to be coming back. At first, I was pushing myself to get back to the homework, but then I gained momentum and kept it for the rest of the day.
I'm not sure where those feelings vanished to so quickly. Usually it takes me longer for them to pass. I guess I was lucky yesterday. I know for sure that I was feeling depressed about my date this coming Tuesday. I had set this one on Thursday, talking to Steven on facebook. He is the guy I mentioned early in my blog, the one who "let his politics and strong views on the student strikes interfere with common
courtesy and respect". I was stunned to receive a message from him about resuming our outing for tea. He had asked me in June and I had accepted, somewhat reluctantly. I was trying to keep an open mind. However, he canceled on me most unexpectedly at the last minute with some freak emergency (the nature of which he never revealed to me). Then he didn't attempt to reschedule, so I did not press for it. A little bit later, he made an insulting comment on a facebook status of mine. I deleted the comment immediately, not feeling it possible to reply to such a remark. I was so upset, I took my Mom's advice and blocked him on chat (she would've unfriended him, but it was not possible for me to do that yet). So, to respond to his request, I put him off for a couple of weeks, saying I was unavailable (which was also true, given that I have been meeting Plenty of Fish people). So Thursday, I found him online and said I might have an opening for him this coming week. He was happy and when we had set a time and place, he said "mihi placet" (Latin for "it pleases me"). The entire time I was talking to him, I was ruffled by things he was saying and when I read the phrase "mihi placet", the first word that came to my mind was: VOMIT. The thought of spending time with him makes me somewhat sick, however it would be better for me to go than not. The reason I am going is because, from the very beginning, I have tried not to rock the boat. I know I am bound to run in to him as I take my classes over the next year. I am particularly bound to see him during the finishing of the Winter term and at the general assembly meetings where the strike votes will take place. It will be much easier on me, then, if we keep an okay rapport, especially while the strike business continues. After that, if I still find him rather insupportable, I can tell him where to go shove it. Someone needs to explain to him that he doesn't know how to talk to people adequately and that he needs to learn; he is almost entirely devoid of social skills in my opinion. I am not going to be the person to reform him, but he needs someone with the patience to do so. In the mood I was in yesterday, thinking of going to tea with him made me not only want to vomit, but it also made me sad. I was sad, because in my strange mood, I wondered things like: "Why is it that only the dysfunctional guys are ever interested in me?" This is absurd and my current project has disproved such irrational ideas.
The other thing that was bothering me, very clearly, was Giles. I haven't mentioned him much in my blog, but he has been much in my thoughts. I have been trying to think of him less, especially to be fair to the guys from Plenty of Fish, but I am being more or less successful. In fact, since I have started this project, I believe I have been thinking about him more. I was feeling calmer about the situation and he was not appearing so often at the forefront of my mind. In the early days of my project, when I described the "rejection" feeling, Giles was part of that. I felt sick contemplating going on a date with other people. It didn't feel right at all. When I would be nervous just before a date, I found myself repeating his name in my head to try to calm down. He always makes me feel comfortable and serene; in fact, within a certain radius of him, I don't think it is possible to feel anxious, given the amount of positive energy he exudes. It reminded me of something that Snow White said in a little cartoon I've been watching to practice my Italian: "Tutte le volte che sono triste e che mi succede qualcosa di brutta, pensando a te, trova la forza per andar'avanti, aspetando il momento in cui ti potrò videre..." (Every time I feel sad or something bad happens to me, thinking of you, I find the strength to move forward, waiting for the moment in which I will be able to see you). I was a bit off my nut yesterday, feeling like crying every time I checked my e-mails and not seeing one from Giles. He is having a very busy summer in Europe and is not able to write me very often. I know this and am happy for the opportunity he's been given right now. However, some days I find it hard to wait to hear his news. Some days, I really miss him and wish that there was a new message from him. I am sure I will continue to explain why Giles is such an important person to me as my blog unfolds; one paragraph can hardly do him justice.
Today I have continued to feel better. My mood has faltered a bit this evening, though. I watched Emma today, which was probably not very prudent (because the age gap between Emma and Mr. Knightley is identical to that between me and Giles). I really do wish that the rain and thunderstorm weather would clear up. I am sure it would do my spirits a lot of good.