November

The first draft in my box is this one, a post for November 2012 (this is a serious life-time ago).  It seems that I was almost done this entry, so as promised, it is appearing as is, until I run out of text at that the end, where 2019 me will jump back in:


As I stated in a previous post, I would like to move my blog along more swiftly by creating an entry for every month.  This is the one for November, chronicling my dates with Amin over that month. 

On November 2nd, I had my first proper date with him as his girlfriend.  We had seen each other at Halloween (see "First Days" post), but we had been doing school work in the library.  November 2nd was a Friday, which meant that we had time and much less stress.  I met him after his TA session and we went out for supper.  I remember that it was a colder day, so I wanted to wear a sweater.  I wanted to look good too, though, so I picked the purple one with sparkles.  Amin always remarks on what I wear, saying that it is nice and that I am pretty, which was at first more or less easy for me to hear, but which is now so very appreciated.  We went to Juliette et chocolat, somewhere we chocoholics had
surprisingly not yet been.  The place was quaint and very busy.  We had a delicious hot chocolate sample, then asked for a bowl of our own (it was the first time I drank out of a bowl as opposed to a mug or cup and I found that the chocolate cooled much too quickly for my liking).  My sister and her boyfriend asked to come by to see us, so after ordering, we popped ourselves outside Juliette et chocolat to say "Hi".  My sister commutes each week from Ottawa where she goes to University, so she couldn't come inside with her giant bags full of clothes and books.  Normally I would've said that such a meeting didn't make much logical sense, since it was short, she was laden down with her various things and so on.  However, I was glad that she was taking and interest.  She had already met Amin at my birthday, but she wanted to acknowledge him now as my boyfriend.  She wanted to show that he was important in my life and to introduce him to an important person in her life.  If you ask my sister's boyfriend, he will first and foremost say that he is Canadian, however, he is also Indian.  He grew up here, but his parents came over from India, so he has both cultures in his heritage.  I was so glad that Amin got a chance to meet him early on, because I knew it would reassure him.  It would show him that we Carons date guys based on their personality, not their ethnic or cultural background and that our parents are fully supportive of and welcoming of our choice.  I had neglected to mention my sister's boyfriend's background; I wanted Amin to see for himself.  So this one brief moment had much significance.  Amin and I found ourselves soon back at our table and in sweet chocolate bliss.  I ordered the crêpe with strawberries, bananas and semi-sweet chocolate.  He went for the one with all the fruits.  I finished mine and it was just the right portion for me, but alas, Amin could not finish his!  He gazed longingly at his plate, full to bursting and I told him that that's why I made sure there were only two fruits in my dish, otherwise I knew I would not be able to get through it.  The only slightly awkward moment came when it was time to settle the bill.  I asked him how we were going to do that.  He asked me to repeat, so I thought he hadn't heard, but we were having a comprehension problem.  Once he got the gist, though, he insisted on paying for supper.  I was about to learn in the coming months that my negotiating power in this area was almost nil.  I just breathed and tried to go with it, because I knew that it was important to him because of his culture's values and that thus far I had not been allowing him to do what was comfortable.  Like with the other aspects of dating that I was getting used to, I was quiet on the outside and trying to quell the voices or arguments inside.  After supper, we had planned on a movie.  Amin assured me that his office would be empty on a Friday night and that we would be alone, or close to it, to watch this film.  I was nervous because I knew that some of his officemates were Iranian.  During our discussions about public displays of affection, he asked that we be careful in front of his colleagues because he is a private person, but also particularly because Iranians don't date.  He wanted to be secretive not because he did not want to acknowledge me as his girlfriend, but because he wanted time to tell people and certain people would require more time than others.  For example, on October 25th, he came home and told his best friend that we were going out.  His cousin, however, was another matter.  I figured he would probably be one of the last people to find out.  Amin and I walked into his office and there were about five people already in.  My nerves went up a notch as I wondered how these strangers were labelling me: Amin's friend, Amin's girlfriend?  We came in silently, trying not to disrupt their work and sat at Amin's desk.  I pulled the DVD from my purse and he set up two pairs of headphones so we could hear the movie.  I didn't imagine that there would be a way to concentrate on the film with so many other bodies in the room, but it actually worked fairly well.  I had picked a good film for that: Phantom of the Opera.  Two things I didn't tell Amin and still have not confessed are that I watched this very movie with Frédéric and that I really think we should've taken his laptop as I suggested and found a quiet spot outside of his office to watch it (the whole rest of the floor was deserted).  We managed to pull off this odd viewing because Phantom of the Opera is one of those truly magical films.  It completely absorbs you into its world, with the genius of Andrew Lloyd Webber's music, the stunning cinematography, the exquisite costumes, etc.  As soon as Christine began to sing "Think of Me", one of my
favourite pieces in the movie, I felt Amin's hand grab mine, firmly and excitingly clasping it.  I just stared at the screen, trying not to alter my facial expressions.  This was exactly the sort of thing Amin made me promise we would Not do in his office.  I didn't pull my hand away, but I didn't keep his there.  He did let go after a couple of minutes, perhaps recollecting himself.  I couldn't help wondering if anyone had noticed and continued being on my very best behaviour for the duration.  Afterwards, I suggested that I needed some air.  That was polite code for: let's go have some alone time!  We found a bench to sit on and I sang a few bars of "Think of Me" for him, to his delight.  We talked a bit about the movie, but we did more of that in the weeks following this date.  It was the first time we were not strictly "in public" since we had talked about disliking public displays of affection; his office had still been too public.  I felt it was also an opportunity to make good on my will to work on kissing.  Amin was surprised because he had expected me to need more space.  I told him, as I expressed in my entry "My True Love's Kiss" that I felt I really needed to practice rather than abstain to get past this hurdle.  He was so attentive, asking me again and again if I was sure and if I was okay.  I was okay.  Not being terrified was a good start.  We finished the evening with him accompanying me part of the way home and my playing some of Loreena McKennitt's "Tango to Evora" on my penny whistle for him (more on the subject of Loreena later, I promise!).  He was so impressed that I remembered his favourite piece that he was not sure whether he should be posting "Think of Me" on his facebook profile or "Tango to Evora".  I think he ended up with some references to both.  We were both well pleased with how this date went.


November 10th was our next date.  Amin came to pick me up at work.  When I finished up for the day, I caught him out of the corner of my eye, but I had a parent to speak to.  I greeted my tutee's father and gave him the requested feedback about his son's progress in Math.  Afterwards, I went up to Amin and wasn't sure how to greet him.  I gave him a hug and asked if he'd like to see my classroom.  We went quietly down the hallway for a few paces, until we were out of earshot of my coworkers and the students, he said under his breath, "I hate you!"  Startled, I asked him why.  He said he'd overheard me speaking Spanish to the father and wanted to know if there were languages I couldn't speak!  I'm laughing now as I write this, but I took it very seriously at the time.  I explained that my communications in Spanish are quite rudimentary and that he should've heard me hesitating and searching for words.  The upshot of it was that Amin was teasing and was very proud of my linguistic abilities.  Once we got to my room, I said something quiet about "this is where I teach" (or tutor, rather).  He was in a hurry to get going and I was trying to get him onto my wavelength, something that had played out romantically and seamlessly in my mind, but not exactly in reality.  I don't know how I managed to get him to take a couple of more steps inside, but as soon as he was far enough from the door (which has a small window), I kissed him.  He told me later that he found that clever and that it was a very pleasant surprise.  It was one of the first times I initiated and it was definitely our first kiss while standing; he was delighted.  He was so distracted, it took him awhile to realize that he was holding his coat in his hands which he finally let drop onto a desk.  We hadn't planned on staying at my work originally; it kind of developed that way.  We had some loose plans for the date, but we had been having difficulty deciding on exactly what we wanted to do all week.  So we had some ideas and the rest was kind of going with the flow.  The first thing we did was chat a bit.  I was not feeling very well, as is often the case after a few hours of tutoring.  I remember feeling weak and asking if he didn't mind if we stayed at work a bit so I could rest, so I could sit and eat.  Amin had been about to ask me if I'd had lunch and when he heard I hadn't, he was adamant that I should do so at once.  So I pulled out my sandwich and snacks to reenergize.  When it came to it, I didn't want to get moving just yet.  Understanding and agreeable as ever, he was totally fine with just staying quiet on what was supposed to be a "big date".  One thing we had talked about was going to see a movie, but we had not found anything particularly appealing out in theaters.  I'd brought a couple of DVDs of my own in case perhaps watching one became a possibility.  I asked Amin what he thought and he said it was a great idea.  That way we didn't have to go anywhere while I was recuperating.  I let him choose and he went with Kate and Leopold.  Watching the movie on the plastic chairs was not super comfortable, but the television in my classroom worked out really well.  We were interrupted briefly by the security guard who was locking up the rooms.  I never stayed that late and was nervous that she might want to kick us out.  She said that as long as we were finished up by 5:00, that was fine.  I assured her we would be.  The movie ended somewhere around 4:30.  Amin enjoyed it as I expected he would.  We have the same taste in movies and never have anyone that is willing to watch them with us.  We often get the comment: "You're watching That again?!" from others.  It is so nice for both of us to finally have someone to watch movies with.
I was feeling much better at that point, so I proposed we go skating as planned.  Again, Amin needed to be reassured that I was truly up for it.  Once that was settled, we got into the car he had rented especially for our date and headed to L'Atrium le 1000.  He was glad to save me energy by driving, not to mention that having a car made it feel much more like an occasion.  Most of all, he was simply thrilled to be driving with me sitting next to him in the passenger seat.  He said something like, "You do not know how it is to be me driving with such a lovely and precious person beside me in the car."  No, clearly in his incoherent burst of emotion, I could not really know how it felt, other than to say that it made him so very happy.  My sister had talked about "going skating at Bonaventure" as a strictly couples thing.  Not to say that friends don't go skating there, but that oftentimes you find couples on the ice and that it could often be considered a typical dating activity.  Far be it from me to want to do something popular or stereotypically date-ish in Montreal; Amin and I had strictly practical reasons.  I had skates, but he did not.  It is not everywhere that you can go skating and also rent skates, so Bonaventure it was.  I had not set foot on a rink in awhile, so I was curious to see how it would go.  Amin had never skated before; it was his first time.  I was even more curious to see how he would do.  I promised him that I would hold his hand and that he would not fall as long as I was holding his hand.  To my amazement, that is exactly what happened.  We stepped out onto the ice and I helped him through the awkward first turns when you have such a hard time moving more than a tiny bit at a time.  Little by little, he started to take some bigger strides.  His balance was good generally speaking; for the rest, I steadied him.  We were we in danger of falling only a handful of times, when Amin was thrown far off kilter, but each time I managed to pull him back to center.  One of those times, I'm the one that lost my balance and he held me and prevented me from falling.  I could hardly believe that it was his first time on the ice; normally that would've surely have caused both of us to fall.  Later, he observed to me that when I held his hand that I was transferring a lot of energy to him through it.  I had no idea I was doing that.  He said it helped sustain him and keep him upright.  Like any good instructor, I started telling him to let go of my hand and skate on his own.  At that point, that is really the only way you can progress.  Amin didn't like that very much; he would go a few feet and then be looking for me.  I was never far behind or ahead, always watching out for him.  As time wore on, I did manage to get him to go around once on his own.  We skated for quite awhile, taking only a few rests.  I was impressed at my stamina; I had not thought I would last that long.  Amin was too, but then he said that it was because I was skating more slowly with him.  He encouraged me to strike out on my own a couple of times while he rested.  One time in particular, I skated faster than usual because I recognized The Box's song "Closer Together", one that I like.  Amin said he enjoyed watching me "skate for real" and that the way I found the rhythm in the music was beautiful; he said it was like dancing.  He was just so full of compliments as he reflected on our date.  I was telling him the next day that I could proudly say to everyone that my first-time skater did not fall once.  I could still hardly believe it myself.  His reply was: "Hmmm... it seems I found my balance in everything not only my life; I needed you to find balance in everything sweetheart".  See what a sweetheart He is?  The experience had a magical quality for both of us.  By the time we stopped skating, most of the places in the foodcourt had closed.  The pizza place was still open, though, so we grabbed a slice.  I know that Amin had hoped for something more romantic on a "big date", but we once again went with the flow.  It was nearby, we were tired and I definitely needed to eat and would not have been able to wait for dinner service.  I also remember having Orange Crush, something I hadn't had since elementary school!  Right then, that was the coolest thing.  Afterwards, Amin drove me back home.  He stopped the rental a little beside my place.  Concealed by a tree, he leaned over and kissed me before getting out of the car.  I had the impression that was the best kiss of the day; I had the feeling of never wanting it to end.  He then helped me get my work things and my skates out of the trunk and bid me goodnight.

On November 16th, Amin was invited over for supper for the first time.  I was of two minds about this visit.  I was of course happy to have him over, but I was nervous about how meeting my family would go.  Well, to be more accurate, I was nervous about him meeting my Dad.  Generally speaking, Dad says awkward or stupid things, even when there is company.  He has been particularly inhospitable to boyfriends in the past (for example, talking about "taking out his shotgun" just to see if he could freak the hell out of my sister's teenage boyfriends).  Amin told me that he was not concerned about it and asked me not to worry, but the truth is that I was more worried about my not being able to handle it than him not being able to.  He was, however, eager to be prepared for all other aspects of the visit.  He started asking about what my place is like, what our habits are and etc. so that he could get a good idea of what he was walking into.  So I don't think he was without a little anxiety walking in.  I answered all of his questions in the most detail I could to help him feel more confident.  It turns out that all of the stress was for nothing.  Everyone behaved well, including my Dad.  We managed to make a good first impression on Ali and I think people also liked him (though sometimes it is difficult to get a sense of a mostly quiet boyfriend on a first visit!).  We managed to not make a serious dietary faux-pas too (courtesy of my Mom).  My parents made chicken cacciatore, something we hadn't had in awhile.  As I discovered later, technically speaking no Muslim should eat meat that is not halal, but Amin and some of his relatives had decided upon coming to Canada that though they would opt for halal if given the choice, they would not pass up on certain experiences, such as having a meal home-cooked by friends.  We did, however, avoid the bigger problem: Mom made sure we skipped the white wine in the sauce.  Amin explained to me that even when alcohol burns off during cooking, it is not okay for Muslims.  Thank God my Mom pays attention to details and is smart about such things!  He was a bit disconcerted when he found out that I had briefed my family a bit on how to behave, like telling Dad not to offer him alcohol (he has a tendency to push booze on people; you have to refuse at least three times for him to stop asking and if ever he pours for you, he stops about 10-15 seconds AFTER you say "when"!).  Despite my Dad's spur-of-the-moment toast which was awkward but livable (something about how he was happy that Amin makes me happy; his random bursts of emotion often do not feel genuine) and his interrogation was limited to Amin's thesis topic.  Having my sister's boyfriend being present as well was helpful; it showed Amin what it was like to be more comfortable and integrated into the family dynamic.  He really reacted positively too to my Dad's random "welcome to the family" bit in the toast (what, like we were getting married or something?!).  Talking with him later, he expressed to me that it was so nice to be at a family gathering, something he had not experienced in 2 years; I realized in that moment how lonely it can be living in a different country without your family and thus how good it felt to be present and also accepted into our albeit off-beat group.  Besides that, the main general feedback I got from Amin about the evening was that supper was good, dessert (fruit crumble) was divine and that my family was very nice, particularly my
Mom.  Then there was the evening from our perspective.  When Dad went to pick up the boyfriends, Amin handed me a beautiful bouquet of roses and showed me the box of Lindt chocolates he had picked up for Mom.  I was still not yet fully settled into the mind-frame of being the girlfriend, so I thought the flowers were also for Mom.  The flowers were always for Mom; Mom loved flowers and people brought her flowers.  No one ever brought me flowers.  It took my brain a few minutes to actually compute this.  My flowers.  They were MY flowers!  Not only that: they were Roses!  I was speechless.  I had never felt the need for anyone to get me roses, but now that I had some, I felt it was such a nice gesture.  I got to enjoy them for many days, because they lasted well.  What a wonderful way to start the evening!  When we arrived, Mom greeted us, then left us to our own devices, as planned.  I had asked for us to have the use of the family room.  That was tough to negotiate, since Dad would normally be watching television at that hour.  We were granted that time before supper to have the space to ourselves.  I was really looking forward to sharing more of my music with him, so we had decided to take some time at the piano.  I was nervous at first, as I typically am when I have an audience.  That usually passes fairly quickly, though.  I haven't taken lessons in a long time, but I enjoy playing and really just do it for fun.  I had been unexpectedly inspired to pull out the first piece I had taught myself to play at the age of nine: the easy version of My Heart Will Go On.  I had misplaced the sheet music for the longest time, but it had resurfaced just a few days prior.  Nervous, I didn't sing the first verse, but began at, "Love was when I loved you, One true time I hold to...".  I was looking at my fingers and not at his reaction, but I could feel he had gotten quiet beside me, the sort of hush you get when you want to hear everything perfectly or when you are completely mesmerized by what is before you.  His praise of my playing was warm throughout.  My goal had been to play the songs from Phantom of the Opera for Amin and get him to sing along with me.  He had been nervous at this prospect when I first voiced it shortly after seeing the movie, but it grew on him.  He had looked up lyrics and listened to the music in anticipation.  It took him a little while to chime in, though.  We started with "Think of Me", which was meant to be helpful in that Raoul doesn't have a lot to sing in that piece and would help Amin build up some confidence.  No such thing.  I sang both Christine and Raoul in that one.  Then came "Angel of Music" and I was still singing everyone's part.  I think he came in with me the first time at "Phantom of the Opera".  What I remember is that "All I Ask of You" was sublime.  We did that one twice.  I was so thrilled to have someone to sing with me and Amin enjoyed it a lot too.  We agreed that we should do this often as it was so much fun.       

On November 24th, Amin was invited to a birthday celebration for one of his office mates.  It was at her place and significant others were also invited.  He really wanted me to go with him; in fact, he thought of it as an occasion for us and was not keen on going without me.  I was very flattered at being asked because it meant that he was going to officially introduce me to many of his office-mates.  I was going to be recognized as the girlfriend and slowly begin integrating into his world.      


*** And this is where the entry in my drafts trails off.  What I remember from his office mate's party is just a few details here or there.  I know we talked a bit with the office gossip, who Amin said was already pretty sure we were dating and dying to talk about it all over the lab.  We talked probably most with T, Amin's best friend and gym buddy.  By the time I talked to the birthday girl herself, it was close to the time Amin and I were leaving, and she had had a bit to drink by then, so she wanted me to know that it was MY job to teach him French.  Yes, yes, I would, I assured her.

It was my intention when I was first writing this entry to consult my calendar and my messages from Amin to fill in details I didn't remember.  At this point, I realize that it is holding me back and delaying my progress in this blog to be going into that kind of depth.  Looking at my calendar for November of 2012, there are no other dates written in, so I feel safe enough to conclude here for this entry.

I'm Back Part II: What to Expect

Since I'm coming back to this project after a long hiatus, I realized that some things will have to change about my format.  One of the things that held me back, for example, was being stuck in the chronological sequence of events.  I fell behind in going through details in order, which simply prompted me to fall more behind.  I do not want to take away this organization altogether, since my brain really works well sequentially.  Instead, what I propose is to try to accomplish what I was trying to with posts left in my drafts box on Blogger, then see where new posts need to take me.

In going through old events, of course, it makes little sense for me to use my old system of "Hopeful and Hopeless counts".  In fact, I'm not sure they will serve me well for how I'm feeling now either, so this is a structure that is no longer useful.  In going through half-written drafts of old posts, I am going to keep things as they are, and probably not be able to complete them in the same amount of detail.  I'll indicate faithfully when I have a chunk of text that I had written those many years ago, then show a break where I'm jumping back in now, so that you can know the difference.

I figure that themes will be the driving force in the new chapter of my blog, since six years is a lot of life to catch up on (especially in order).  Probably what will make me most Hopeful is to talk about the things that are pertinent to me now.  It will kind of be like when you phone up or text your friend and talk to them about something you are thinking about, or a particular way you are feeling.  I fall down a lot of these rabbit holes, talking about abstract things that are not happening now, but that I am thinking about because of something that did happen.  Hopefully this will become clearer as we navigate this new format together.

Posts will be made on a more regular basis.  Hopefully I can write every week.  Definitely I will no longer let months go by without at least one post.

Till soon!

Hopeful Romantic is Back

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate the ongoing interest in my blog, especially since I haven't written in such a long time.  I've felt guilty even at the thought of opening Blogger because I have not kept this up to date.  It is heartwarming, though, to see that people still read what I have here and have written me encouraging comments.

I have stayed away too long, which is sad for you, but also for me.  I love to write; it is one of the things that gives me true joy and makes me feel alive.  It is hard to keep up while being a graduate student, but I am committed to writing now, because I am convinced I need it.

Spoilers?  Nope!  I am not one to believe in those.  So for everyone out there wondering, you are going to have to read for yourself about Amin.  I have always said that whether or not you are dating or have found the person of your dreams, this does not remove the need to be hopeful.  I did not intend for my story to end on a high note; that was simply coincidence.  Last time, I was pushing to finish my undergraduate degree, and now I'm doing my PhD, so again, this is going to be a challenge, but I really want to find a way to make it work.  I certainly need a dose of Hope, and perhaps you do too.

See you soon, dear readers :)

Elise  

My True Love's Kiss

Hopeful 2     Hopeless 8

"I've been dreaming of a True Love's Kiss", sings Giselle right at the beginning of the movie Enchanted.  This is how I felt for the longest time.  Unlike Giselle, I did not live in a little cottage in woods waiting for "a prince I'm hoping comes with this".  I did, however, have a wonderful dream in my head of the magic which is a great kiss.  I had not yet experienced one and was yearning for this True Love's Kiss.

What I had difficulty understanding was how this dream didn't transform into reality.  In my mind, I was comfortable with kissing.  I wanted to kiss Amin as early as the Gardens date.  In my imagination, it felt natural and blissful.  I didn't understand why there was such a disconnect with reality.  When I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and Amin's lips touched mine, why then did the experience become terrifying?  I couldn't account for the intense fear.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, it was not the first time I had had this problem.  I even became mysteriously feverish the day that I kissed Frédéric for the first time.  I thought maybe the trouble was going from essentially nothing (no hand holding or hugging, etc.) straight to kissing.  So for a couple of weeks, I asked if we could transition like that.  He agreed.  I was so over the moon, cooing about how "understanding" and "respectful" he was.  Again, simply the idea of that and of the way I was back then makes me queasy.  After the two weeks were up, we tried again.  Frédéric was happy.  I, however, was not really any more advanced.  I didn't have extreme terror anymore.  I had some anxiety, perhaps.  The rest was completely indifferent.  I couldn't understand how I could have romantic feelings for him, yet feel absolutely nothing when we kissed.  I felt very warm and fuzzy holding his hand or hugging or cuddling.  There was literally nothing, though, when we kissed.  Not even once.

Yup, Edward... we're not feeling it...

I wanted to write this entry to elaborate, to go beyond the general concepts I laid out in my last post.  It is all well and good to say that True Love's Kiss isn't necessarily the first kiss or that it requires some time or effort but that you will get there.  How?  How do you get there?  I wish I'd had a roadmap or someone to explain this to me.  Like I said, I'd have spent a lot less time feeling awkward or abnormal.

I had hoped that choosing a better person than Frédéric (which was not hard to do, as it turns out!) would do the trick.  I chose Amin, but my heart sank when this did not instantly solve my problem with kissing.  He knew something was up and he prompted me a lot to tell him what I was thinking and how I was feeling.  Like I wrote in my entry "First Days", he got me to admit that public displays of affection are not really my thing.  It took me a little longer than that to talk about the kissing issue.  Not only did I feel abnormal and embarrassed, but I most emphatically did not want him to take it as a reflection on him.  I did not want him to think that I was not into him or that he wasn't a good kisser or something like that.  Again, October 25th was such a spectacular night for him that I didn't want anything to kill the magic for him.

Much quicker than I would've liked, Amin had me telling him everything.  He had me admitting to the whole of my history with Frédéric in regards to kissing.  I remember that I felt terrible confessing this.  Thank God we were having this conversation online!  This is the point, however, where I discovered true understanding and respect.  Though I was not immediately reassured, Amin said everything to reassure me.  He started off with normalizing my feelings, being careful not to invalidate them.  He told me that I was not so strange and that in fact not everyone likes to French kiss.  I could hardly believe him.  He also came out with a list of reasons why I could possibly be feeling anxious about kissing.  He followed it up with a solemn promise that we didn't have to kiss at all.  This surprised me most of all, I think.  He told me that though he liked kissing, if it really made me feel so uncomfortable and so upset, we would simply not kiss.  That phrase came up again about my comfort level being the most important thing.

While that was all very nice, it was not what I wanted.  I believe that relationships are about compromise and balance.  I was not going to let him give up kissing for me.  Besides, it's not that I didn't want to kiss.  In fact, I think kissing is an important part of a romantic relationship.  To console myself when I was with Frédéric, I had said that "kissing is just one facet of the relationship and certainly not the most important one".  I had underestimated its importance and I was not about to make the same mistake.  I told Amin that I wanted to work on it.  He agreed as long as it wasn't purely for his enjoyment, as he put it.  He consented on the condition that I would eventually feel good about kissing and enjoy it too. 

I realized that my strategy had to be different from the last time.  I had asked Frédéric to take a break from kissing for the first two weeks.  This did not help in the slightest.  I understood that avoiding kissing was not effective, nor was what I did after that, which was to simply expect that it would "sort itself out".  It wasn't going to happen by magic.  I knew that it would require effort.

I just didn't know at all how to go about it.  There was so much, actually, that I simply didn't know.  Amin had asked me right away what was making me so nervous about kissing (and had come up with some possible answers).  I had no idea.  Again, in my head, I was perfectly at ease with kissing.  In reality I was not.  It was puzzling for me.  Amin was very eager to do anything he could to help, but he could hardly do anything when I was so unclear in my own mind.  How could I tell him what I did not know myself?

Yet, he's the one that came up with the solution.  Unknowingly, from the very first, he did all of the right things.  Along with all the other things I quoted him on above, he told me that I was good at kissing.  I was floored.  The sincerity with which he said it made me realize that he was not just trying to reassure me; he really really meant it.  I could not integrate this fully at the time, but Amin kept on telling me.  Just that praise, that positive reinforcement, made a huge difference.  In fact, the whole solution really was communication.  I know I mentioned in an earlier entry that he liked to go over details of time we spent together, revisit the memory and give his feedback.  Well, that is what we did about kissing.  We talked about it.  That may seem strange to many of you as you read this, but it was so effective.  Amin's natural instinct was a good one.

I think it actually started from a desire to have me believe that I was good at kissing.  I remember he said on more than one occasion about our first kisses: "I felt so much passion from you".  Well, that was news to me.  I had no awareness whatsoever.  I could feel nothing.  I couldn't tell how he was feeling or even how I was feeling as we kissed.  So at first, he told me.  He had to tell me, because I couldn't tell for myself.  I couldn't understand how I could be so blocked off from feeling anything.  Clearly there was some kind of obstacle there.  Amin wanted so much for me to know how good I was and how great I made him feel that that is how these conversations got started.  He was very happy to literally deconstruct each kiss, tell me what I did, what he did, how he felt and how he felt I felt (even though I couldn't feel it myself).  At first, it was so foreign to me.  Little by little, though, things began to change.

On November 6th, after practicing kissing a lot one afternoon in a quiet spot at university, I had a breakthrough.  As usual, when I was back home, Amin and I were chatting online.  He talked about the kisses, which were certainly good that day.  I listened like usual, not adding too much.  I slipped in, right before saying good night, that for the first time, I had felt something.  I was so ecstatic.  It was such a small thing, but it was so huge for me.  After we parted ways to go back home, I could feel some tingles on my lips.  I had kissing after-effects.  "Now you know how I feel all the time!" Amin said excitedly.  All that was left was for me to feel something while we kissed. 

Slowly, over the course of the first month, that is exactly what we achieved.  I can't pinpoint exactly which kiss was "the one".  I just know that gradually, I began to feel more and more.  I felt tingles after kissing, then I began to feel as we kissed.  I even started to pick up on his feelings.  The first sign I got was when I discovered that he liked it when I touched his upper lip.  I remember one day in November, he actually exclaimed, "OH my God!"  I remarked on that and he told me that it was not the first time; he had already said it in Farsi on a number of occasions which had obviously escaped my notice.  I was finally starting to be in tune with him.  I can't say exactly when all of this happened or exactly how.  I just know that Amin made me feel comfortable and reassured.  I know that the communication, true open communication helped so very much. 

I definitely realized a few things on a conscious level.  I remember him telling me once that I was thinking too much while kissing him.  People tell me all the time that my brain never shuts off and I own that to a certain degree.  Amin went on to say, though, that I was thinking too much about pleasing him while kissing him, so of course under those circumstances, I couldn't enjoy the kiss for myself.  "I never told you that," I said.  "How did you know?"  I've since learned that I can't hide anything from Amin, even when I want to.  What he helped me realize is that seeking to please him was a barrier to being in touch with my feelings and with his.  This was a definite factor in my trouble with kissing.  Him saying this also made me realize that this was a pattern I was repeating.  I came to understand that I'd had the same dynamic with Frédéric, that kissing him equated to trying to please him.  Kissing in public made me uncomfortable, but he expected me to do so anyways (ironically, I later learned that I was not sufficiently affectionate in public to suit him despite my efforts).  In fact, any time we kissed, it was because he wanted to.  He expected it and I obliged.  The first time I got to thinking about it that way was when Amin commented on my use of tongue while kissing.  I told him that Frédéric always expected it.  He didn't really want my lips so much as my tongue.  If I had described this kissing dynamic with Frédéric to myself before I met Amin, there is no way I would've believed it.  I would've objected strongly to simply catering to my boyfriend's wishes and expectations.  That is not the kind of person I am and such a description is frankly an insult to my independent spirit.  Yet, it is all true.  It took me awhile to unravel, but I figured out that was exactly the way it was.  It had been so subtle, because Frédéric was not openly demanding or controlling, nor was it his intention to be anything remotely like that.  The result, however, was that he was calling the shots when it came to kissing.  No wonder the kissing had been one-sided!  Looking back, it was even built directly into the phrasing I used right from the start: "his kiss".  This epiphany helped me to take some of my power back and have a better balance with Amin.  I began to initiate kissing, for example, much to his delight!  

Because Amin is so loving, he allowed me to learn and grow.  He gave me the patience, respect and understanding I needed.  In fact, what took place was a lot like healing.  He helped me release things that I didn't even know I was carrying.  I couldn't have achieved all of that by sitting back and hoping for the best.  This kind of situation is one you have to work at, you and your partner.  Most people figure that kisses should be effortless.  If you experience any trouble or fear like I did, though, it requires conscious effort to turn around.  That is what Amin and I did and we were successful. 

You need to have someone who cares about you enough to work with you.  That is what I found in Amin.  That is when, I think, you really find the "true love" part of True Love's Kiss.  Beyond finally having a great kiss, you know that your partner truly loves you.  

True Love's Kiss ♥

True Love's Kiss

Hopeful 4    Hopeless  6

I have read more than once that the overwhelming majority of women believe that the first kiss will tell them a lot about a relationship's potential.  Many women will decide whether or not to date a man based on this one factor.  While I would agree that kissing is an important element in any romantic relationship, what is so important about the very first one?

I have been reflecting on this question for a little while and frankly the only explanation I came up with was the fairy tale one.  We've been brought up with this idea of "true love's kiss", that magical moment where the world stops turning.  The kiss that can solve all your problems (or curses) and inevitably lead to Happily Ever After.  Yet, if you asked the average person, they would tell you that they do not subscribe to such fantastical notions.  However, I don't see how else you could explain the attitude about the first kiss...

It's great if that is the way it turns out for you, a first kiss with fireworks and symphonies.  You have the fairy tale and you are lucky; a few of us get to glimpse such moments.  For the rest of us, there is what happens in real life, or shall we say, what happens for most people.  The first kiss is timid, or exploratory.  The first kiss is out of balance or out of synch with your partner.  The first kiss is just the tip of the iceberg with so much more to discover.  It is not necessarily representative of all future kisses or possibilities.

My very first kiss was in fact one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Frédéric and I had taken a walk in the park.  We sat down for a rest on a bench and were talking about many things.  I kicked myself for realizing too late that he had asked me out on a date and I had declined.  I was not available on the day in question, but also did not add anything encouraging like "perhaps another time".  The conversation continued on to horoscopes and astrological signs and we were in agreement that these things should not be taken too seriously.  Yet, he had said, "Maybe I should pay more attention to them."  So a couple of minutes later, I asked what he had meant and he explained that on the compatibility chart, Libra (my sign) and Gemini (his) had "a big heart".  I forced myself to remain calm and neutral, "Oh really?  I didn't know that..."  That is when he looked at me seriously and asked if I liked him.  I took a very big deep breath and said, "I am very interested in you; I have to be honest."  And I held that breath, waiting for his reply.  He said, "Je suis soulagé," and it was very visible: a wave of relief washed over his entire body.  Then he proceeded to say that he had felt like kissing me a few moments earlier.  Since that feeling was mutual and he obtained my permission, he leaned over and kissed me.  Back then, I thought this was quite romantic.  When I think about it now, I get queasy.

I thought it was the perfect moment.  Except for the kiss.  The idea of the moment finishing in a kiss was blissful.  The actual kiss had me freaked out.  Frédéric was saying that he hadn't dated in a couple of years and apologizing for being rusty.  I couldn't tell.  I couldn't think about what he was saying.  I had just hit extreme fear instead of ecstasy and was confused as to how that could happen.  I seemed to be aware that you could be nervous during a first kiss, but I was way beyond that.  I was shaking and had lain my head on his shoulder, apologizing before he did, saying I had "not been ready for that".  I was very happy to have shared my feelings for him and to have heard that they were reciprocated, so I was content while talking with him and walking back.  When we parted that day, though, he pulled me in for a second kiss and all of my severe anxiety returned.  I realized I had a serious problem.  I even spiked a mysterious fever that day, after seeing Frédéric.  I felt so terrified, I felt sick.  I had no other symptoms and it disappeared by the next day.  Clearly kissing disagreed with me.  Sometimes I wonder if that wasn't my warning not to date him.  In any case, to my way of thinking, it was a pretty extreme reaction and it made me feel completely abnormal.   

Now I know better.  It took me awhile to figure this out, but feeling strange or even not so great about the first kiss is normal enough.  And it is okay.  I thought, again erroneously, that I had perhaps picked the wrong guy and that is why the kiss didn't feel good.  While it is true that I didn't make a good pick with Frédéric, that is not why kissing him was a problem.  I hoped that the next guy I kissed would change all of that.  As I have hinted, though, my first kiss with Amin also threw me.  All of those familiar feelings of acute anxiety returned.  I was doubly scared this time in a way, because I had hoped for something magical to happen.  I had hoped not only not to feel terrified, but to feel good.  I didn't have high hopes or expectations; I didn't require spectacular.  I just didn't want to feel bad.  I was not so lucky.  What Amin allowed me to learn, though, is that it is normal and it is okay to feel the way that I did. 

So the next time you are thinking about the first kiss or you are about to experience one, try not to set your expectations at spectacular.  It's great for you if you have that perfect moment.  It is also okay if you don't.  My mother told me when the subject came up in my first weeks of dating Amin that experiencing a great kiss for a girl depends on so many factors: the guy, the atmosphere, the way you are sitting or standing, your hormones, your stress level, etc.  If only I had discovered this secret years ago!  I would not have spent such a long time feeling bad and abnormal.  Go on dreaming of a True Love's Kiss.  You will get there, on the first kiss, or the third one, or... the number is not important.  You may indeed have met a charming prince, even if the first kiss didn't spell out Happily Ever After instantaneously.  The important thing really is how you feel about him and how he feels about you: that is what leads to a True Love's Kiss.   



"Anyone could see that the prince was charming: the only one for me..."

    

First Days

Hopeful 3     Hopeless  8

There weren't many days left to October after Amin and I started dating, so I figured that an October entry would not be necessary.  In any case, the feeling that I had in the first days continued into November.  It was an important period of adjustment for me.  I realize that in my latest entry, I gave the impression that my feelings were clearer than they actually were at the time.  It took me much longer than I indicated to feel secure in my choice.  Most of me anyways had decided that I wanted to try dating Amin, that I liked him a lot and that I was ready to take a leap, despite what my fears were telling me.  The transition was not all that smooth or that simple, however.

I remember that everything felt surreal for a while.  As far as I know, a lot of people experience that, the feeling of "I can't believe this actually happened!"  It did happen: I had a boyfriend.  That word seemed so foreign to me.  In December, a full two months later, I recall telling someone and still hesitating as I said it, or taking a really big deep breath: "Amin... my boyfriend".  I could hardly believe it at first.  I knew I was going to have to get used to it.

I felt silly: how romantic is it to think that you have to get "used" to having a boyfriend?  I wanted to share my life with someone in that way, yet it seemed that I wasn't accustomed to sharing like that.  Everything felt strange.  I remember sitting down with my Mom and my sister the next morning, on October 26th.  They asked me how the evening had gone with Amin and so I announced that we were dating, to which my mother said, "excellent" (my sister was also quite pleased about my news).  I continued talking with my Mom after that, saying that I still had a lot of fears.  I was terrified that I was making a mistake.  I doubted my feelings and that I had made the right decision.  What felt abnormal to me was also the feeling of confusion about my identity.  Who was Elise if she was not single?  Who was Elise with a boyfriend?  One of my defining and steadfast qualities for the longest time had been the fact that I was single.  I was not a commitment-phobe, nor am I one.  But I experienced vertigo at the thought of being someone's girlfriend.  I wondered if I was still me. 

I felt absurd or abnormal or immature or something for having all of these crazy thoughts and feelings.  Mom told me that it was all normal.  I was not all that convinced by her attempts to reassure me that other people did experience such feelings while dating.  I still didn't like that feeling of perturbation.  I always thought of myself as someone sure of herself and here I was having all kinds of strange doubts and countless other emotions.  It is really difficult to put into words the uncertainty and uneasiness that I felt.  Despite this, I was determined to try, to give my absolute best effort.  To do that, I needed to breathe and let these feelings subside or resolve themselves.  I had to believe that they would, given time.

Through it all, Amin was very understanding.  He was very eager to help me to feel at ease, yet very patient to let my feelings come around in their own time.  He always told me that my comfort level and my happiness were a priority.  He implored me to talk about how I was feeling and to tell him what he could do to help me feel better.  I wanted to work through the majority of these things on my own, but it was so wonderful to know that I had his full support.  I knew I could lean on him if needed, but that he would also give me the independence to sort things out on my own.  He let me know that since we were a team, we could each make efforts on our own, but that some of those efforts would also be together to move forward and achieve common goals. 

What I did in those first days was really try to be calmer, to talk myself out of some of my fears and strange feelings.  I also let Amin in on some of my feelings where I felt I could use his help.  The first thing I discussed with him was my feelings about public displays of affection.  I had been nervous about bringing the subject up, but I am really glad that his encouragement led me to talk about it earlier than I had planned to.  It turns out that I had nothing to worry about, because we were quite of the same opinion on the matter.  We decided on what we were both comfortable expressing in public, which was a hug hello and a hug goodbye (accompanied by a kiss on the cheek in less crowded places) as well as holding hands.  I had not predicted such a simple and favourable outcome to that discussion, but I was greatly relieved to obtain it. 

Those first days were filled with taking deep breaths and working at not having strange feelings over very normal things.  I was learning to grow accustomed to words like "boyfriend", but also to terms of endearment, which surfaced very quickly.  Amin had just barely been holding back feelings before we began dating.  He had begun complimenting me more than I would allow a friend to, so I had to tell him to refrain from voicing most of them.  As soon as we started dating, though, he was no longer limited.  I was more ready to hear such sentiments from him, but there was still a certain amount of adjusting to do.  I am glad most of this happened online.  We were still chatting every day, so the first time that he called me "sweetheart", for example, was on my screen.  Some of these things were comfortable and others less.  I liked being called "sweetheart", but I still struggled with some compliments.  Through the computer screen, Amin could hardly tell the difference.  It allowed me to respond well or to give the impression of a little more than I felt while I waited for my feelings to catch up.  This is another point that I talked to him about right away.  I had mentioned it on October 25th, that he had liked me for a long time, but that my feelings were newer and thus not as strong as his; consequently, I had some catching up to do to reach his level. 

That is why Amin was quite ready to say "I love you" and talk about how much he loved me right from the beginning.  I had to be careful how I reciprocated on this.  I could not let on too much more than I felt, but I could hardly let too many of those go by without reciprocating.  I realized that, though I may not have loved Amin as much as he did me at that point, there were feelings there.  I was very fond of him as a friend, which, one could argue, could justify using the word "love" on its own.  I had some romantic feelings to back that up, so I figured there was no reason not to say "I love you" in a way.  I knew that when I said it, it would not mean exactly what he meant when he said it.  I hoped that soon they would mean exactly the same thing.  I titled the conversation file in my computer for the day that I said it the first time: "I love you too".  It was October 31st, the first time I had seen Amin in person since we had started dating.  I am glad it had been nearly a week.  I had had some time to collect myself and we had settled matters such as public displays of affection.  We had talked about doing something for Halloween, but had never finished that discussion.  It so happened that I had an important assignment due the next day for my Methodology class, so I had to be in the library after class for awhile.  He joined me and brought some work of his own.  It was hardly romantic, but that is one of the things I love about Amin: he, like me, doesn't require everything to be spectacular all the time, but can appreciate simple moments like sitting working in the library next to each other.  Such is the life of the dating student: study dates.  He and I were also on the same page about not letting our relationship jeopardize our school work.  It was a low-pressure meeting for me, which really helped.  I felt distracted like I had the last two times I had seen him, but I managed to come out with a sufficient amount for my preliminary bibliography.  I know that Amin was distracted too because he freely admitted to it while chatting when I got home.  I had been wearing a medieval vest that day to feel a bit dressed up for Halloween.  The vest is something done up a lot tighter than anything I would normally wear.  He was trying his best not to look at me to avoid kissing me in the middle of the library.  I sensed that and tried to limit my eye contact and things like that to make it easier on him.  Later in that online conversation, when he made one of his favourite exclamations, "I really love you", that is when I answered, "I love you too".         

Amin's understanding, respect, patience and support was exactly as I could've wished.  Given time, it allowed me to not only become comfortable as his girlfriend, but very happy.

Catching Up

Hopeful 4   Hopeless 8

I realize that I have been neglectful of my blog of late.  I noticed the other day that I didn't write any entries for the month of April, which is a first for me; normally I have at least one post per month!  I have been sincerely wanting to update.  My workload this past school term has been considerable and has preventing me from posting on a regular basis.  My health has also not been very good lately, so I have needed to focus more on feeling better than on other things.  I hope to be able to catch up entirely in the next few weeks.  Again, my apologies to readers who have been left in suspense!

The End of One Story, The Beginning of Another

Hopeful  6  Hopeless  4

So now you know how Amin and I started dating.  I wish I had been able to get to the end of my story a lot faster!  I didn't meant to keep people in suspense for such a long time.  There were just so many details to write and I thought it was important to explain the entire process really well.  That helps give people the most accurate idea of what it is like to take on online dating as possible.  It also helped show my thought process and how I arrived at Amin, rather than just saying out of the blue: "So I'm dating him now...".

It is the end of a story and yet it is only the beginning of another.  I don't know about you, but when the words "Happily Ever After" flash across the screen at the end of the movie, I only find it satisfying to a certain extent.  It always begs the question: what happened after? what were those happy days like? how did they work things out? did they really make it?  Yet, these questions are never answered.

It was never the point of my blog to write only when I was single and to stop when I found someone to date.  There are still many things to write about and express even when you have your "happily ever after".  There is the whole rest of the story, or if you will, the beginning of a new one.  I will not, however, go through every small detail as I have been so far.  It would make for an interminable task for me and would certainly bore anyone reading!  What I would like to do, is write an entry for each month to relate certain events and perhaps add one or two extra if there is a theme entry that suggests itself.

I keep this blog because it always reminds me to stay Hopeful.  That is something that I firmly believe you need when you are single and also when you are dating.  "Happily Ever After" is never quite so smooth in real life as in fairy tales; it comes with joy but also with trials.  That is where the Hope comes in and becomes crucial.  It, along with diligent effort, is what helps you to surmount all the odds.

Thank you, Amin, for giving me extra reasons to be Hopeful.  I love you ♥    

Just Stop Your Whining

Hopeful 6   Hopeless 4

On Thursday, October 25th, I met Amin after school.  We had agreed on a place that was public but not too public.  He had asked that it be a bit quieter, so that if he had any strong feelings, it would not be so embarrassing.  Yet, there was also an advantage to being in a busy place; people are less likely to notice you in the crowd.  I forget exactly how we came up with this, but we settled on the food court of the Complexe Desjardins.

We met first in the metro and headed there together.  My stomach had been doing somersaults all day.  The conversation I'd had with Amin the night before had made me feel a bit more cheerful and more hopeful.  I had to at least try to see if he would date me.  I had thought to just skip to the part about not being able to date him, but I managed to convince myself to give him all the information.  My fears screamed at me all day that I should not admit to having any feelings for him and that I was better off staying single.  I kept swallowing hard and pushing them down as best as I could.  They were truly in full force that day even as Amin and I were making our way to the Complexe.

We both got some tea at the Café Dépôt in the food court.  We had quickly learned that not only were we both chocoholics, but also tea drinkers.  He went for black tea, which would normally have been my choice.  Seeing as I was rattled, though, I knew I had to have something herbal to calm my nerves.  We surveyed the food court and found that one of the least crowded areas was actually the section called The Gazebo.  It is usually my preferred place to sit, because the painted scene on the ceiling makes for a nicer atmosphere.  Amin pulled his chair up next to me again, to hear well.  I don't know whether sitting across from me or beside me would've created more tension.  I just sipped some of my mint tea and tried to breathe.

He had asked me to be as direct as possible for what I had to say.  I tried my best, but people who know me well know that it is difficult for me to be succinct most of the time.  I also wanted to be as diplomatic as possible in such a conversation, which usually requires more words rather than less words.  Amin, however, doesn't like to be in suspense for any length of time on such matters and also finds it less than genuine to say things such as: "I like you, you're a really nice guy (etc., etc., listing personal qualities), but..."  He believes you should skip this unnecessary and possibly insincere flattery and just get to the point.  I couldn't.  I had to preamble.  I couldn't help myself.  I apologized for it, saying that it was too ingrained in my personality, but that I would be as brief as possible.  I explained to him that I had thought about what I wanted to say, but that expressing it was difficult.  I entreated him not to interrupt me, even if I was pausing a lot.  It was simply my trying to get out what I wanted to say.  I said something like, "If you see me waving my hand like this, it is because I am still trying to talk."  I said that I would like his input, but to please let me finish first.  I told him to let me talk first and that I promised I would invite him to share his thoughts afterwards.  

He agreed.  I took a few deep breaths.  Despite my preamble aimed at calming myself down and easing us into this difficult conversation, I was still really worked up.  Amin noticed.  He could see how nervous I was, because my hands had started shaking.  He took them in his.  He hadn't held my hand since September 28th and this time, I made no objections.  "Hey... your hands are shaking," he said, as though he were saying "shhhhhhhh".  It had a very calming effect.  It also had a distracting affect.  I had to focus on what I was saying, because it was too important.

I told him that, though I "liked him so much" (I was quoting one of his favourite phrases), it was not possible for me to date him, because it had come to my attention that I had one of his deal-breakers.  I took a deep breath and recalled what he had said about the girl he chose needing to accept the two years of absence for the military service and be willing to stay with him through that separation.  I explained to him that I couldn't promise him that kind of commitment, particularly since I had no idea what the military service entailed (here, my diplomacy lapsed and I found myself blurting: "I don't know if they expect you to kill people!").  I reminded him that my life was not fixed at this point either, because I was still studying and may well end up in Toronto within the next year or so to pursue my next degree.  I told him that I wanted to date him, but that I could only promise him what I had now, such as it was.  He was looking at me perplexed, which made me feel discouraged.  That had all been difficult enough to say once; I didn't want to have to repeat it.  I also didn't know how I could reformulate it to make it more comprehensible.  I rephrased a couple of things and Amin started catching on. 

He had been so convinced that I was going to tell him that I didn't want to date him, he was too stunned to understand what I had actually been saying.  He could hardly believe that I was sitting next to him telling him that I chose him.  He hardly thought it was possible.  Though we are both the type to make a serious commitment, we both found ourselves agreeing to a short-term relationship, a "see-where-it-goes" arrangement.  It was my turn to be surprised, that after all his pronouncements of the other night were not as serious as I'd thought and he further explained that the military service question might be mute anyways, as he had high hopes for an exemption.  He told me that he was content with my "best try".  My Mom said that it was just like a bad romance novel, where the characters don't know that their affection is mutual and assume that a romantic relationship would not be possible.  What struck me as "bad" was that it was one of the most unromantic speeches I had EVER made and in fact, probably one of the most unromantic speeches I had ever heard of!  I suppose this is more what it is like in real-life as opposed to the colourful stories we grow up with...

It was all Amin could to keep his emotions bottled up.  He had been trying with more or less success for some weeks and had been as calm as possible while I was talking.  He hit his breaking point, however, and when the subject of vibes and the Gardens date came up; he just reached over the table and kissed me.  I should've expected this, but I was nevertheless very surprised by the kiss.  It had been such a long time for me that my head was swimming; I had not been ready for that.  I could see how happy Amin was, so I decided on the spot not to say anything, so as not to upset such a special moment for him.

Given the hour, I was beginning to lose energy because I had not eaten since lunch.  Attentive as ever, he suggested we just stay put and get some supper.  I was really glad we did that; it helped normalize things for me.  It helped my anxiety start to come down.  I was once again able to simply enjoy spending time with him.  We continued talking after eating.  I am sure Amin felt like never letting that evening end.  He always insists, despite whatever I say about that day, that it was such a wonderful, happy day for him, one of the very best in his entire life.  I was thinking in more practical terms, about the necessity of getting home before I got too tired and things like that.  I didn't want to cut anything short, either, so it was a question of finding the right balance.  I think we achieved that.

Two more kisses, holding hands and sitting resting my head on his shoulder with his arm around me rounded off the evening.  He accompanied me half of the way home.  It was out of his way, but as he is fond of saying, it bought him more time to spend with me.  It was at that point that I had relaxed enough to start feeling happy too.  It was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.  It began to remind me what it was like to be in a relationship.  Yet, it was so different at the same time.  It was better.  Everything was better.  I couldn't help feeling that this was exactly what it was supposed to feel like when you have a boyfriend.  It was surreal for me, a feeling that persisted for awhile.

I was glad that I managed to find the courage to tell Amin how I felt.  It really reminded me of the song by the Ennis Sisters that I used for the title of this entry.  The chorus says: "Kiss him, Go ahead and say how you feel, You've just got to show him your heart, You've just gotta tell him what's real, 'Cause girl you're gonna miss him, If you let him slip on through, Go ahead and kiss him".  They say in their album that they hope people not only have the courage to kiss someone, but to do take on many other things in life, to speak their mind and fight for what they believe in.  The line from the title of my post is from the last verse: "Just stop your whining, Somewhere the sun is shining, You never know till you try, I don't give advice but, You wouldn't have to tell me twice".  Normally I would encourage my friends to give it a shot with a guy they really liked, so I was not about to not follow my own advice.  I took "just stop your whining" as: stop worrying and fussing, don't let your fears control you.  I gave it a try, and I found a spot where the sun was shining brightly.  

Coming to a Head

Hopeful 7     Hopeless   3

During the week I was waiting to tell Amin that I wanted to date him, several things occurred.  Something I didn't mention in my entry "The Fight" was that Amin had been a front-runner amongst the Plenty of Fish guys for awhile.  At that point, I had still had Patrick and Alexandre on my list.  Alexandre simply never got back to me about meeting, so I didn't chase after him.  Patrick, however, e-mailed during that week, which was a fresh reminder of this list I had made.

Patrick had discovered my blog.  I had not asked him what he had read (though I had been dying to), but prayed him not to read further.  Originally I had asked him if he wanted to see the Impressionist exhibit at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts.  I had begun slowly to feel differently and to regret proposing that we go, because all I could think is how I should much rather go with Amin.  I went back on it by offering a tea date to explain myself and my blog.  Patrick, in his response in that last week of October, did not bite.  He preferred to keep the museum date or suggested going for Indian food or something.  He had plenty to say, though, about the blog.  He admitted to having read the entry about his date and also the one I had with Huiqi.  He said that my assessment of the date we had had pretty much reflected what he had observed and felt.  What he elaborated on was what I had to say about Huiqi.  He felt it was his duty to warn me that Huiqi did not sound "romantic" at all and that I should be careful of insecure guys like him.  Patrick said that he did not wish for his advice to be intrusive.  I am not sure that I felt so much that he was overstepping his bounds; he was simply expressing a frank opinion.  However, it is the tone he used, not just in that section, but throughout the e-mail, that gave me a bad feeling.  It made me feel like he considered me younger, less experienced and perhaps inferior to him in some way.  I re-read it a lot, but I always got the same impression.  Almost all the guys I had corresponded with on Plenty of Fish had been older than me, but none of them had made me to feel it.  Patrick did.  I did not like that feeling, so I went with my instincts.  Patrick and I had talked about being open to the possibility of friendship if we didn't want to date, but that email really didn't make me feel very good, so I didn't make that overture in the response.

Though I had already chosen Amin in my mind, it just went to show that none of the other guys had been suitable enough.  Patrick confirmed that for me in that last week of October.  And little did he know that I had ceased to consider Huiqi after awhile.  Poor Patrick!  If only he had known that by that time, I had determined that even if I didn't want to date any other of the Plenty of Fish guys, I could not date Huiqi.  I had not received a lot of news from Huiqi, but one of the e-mails I did get talked about how I was "lucky" to have my illness because it gave me occasion to sleep more than most other people for my health and that sleep literally made you "beautiful" (as in "beauty-sleep"!).  This basic lack of understanding of my illness and what I have to manage on a daily basis I knew would not fly.  People like this I can keep as acquaintances and perhaps as friends sometimes, but they are not boyfriend material.

It reaffirmed for me that Amin was my choice.  There were truly no other possibilities but him.  He beat out all of the Plenty of Fish guys.  More importantly, he was my choice out of all the other guys on the planet.  I became surer and surer all the time that he was the person I wanted to date.

However, Amin and I had a conversation that week that further complicated matters.  One thing that he had been very up-front about from the start was that all Iranian men have compulsory military service to complete and that he had not done this yet.  He was slated to go back to Iran in 2014 after getting his PhD to fulfil this obligation to his country.  What he told me, though, on October 22nd, was that the girl he chose would have to be okay with a separation of 2 years.  That was not a commitment I could possibly make at that stage.  I knew he was a very monogamous person, but I could not promise him forever when that amount of time can change a person so much.  It can certainly change a person if they are in any kind of combat or other traumatic kind of situation.  The truth was, I didn't know much about what the military service entailed, so I couldn't say for certain that any feelings for him could withstand that kind of obstacle.  Yet, it was very important to him.  Horrified, I realized that it was a deal-breaker for him.  I had one of his deal-breakers.

After we said good night in Farsi (the one thing he had taught me to say), I cried myself to sleep.  It was a wretched feeling.  I had finally managed to figure out that I liked Amin, only to discover that it was not possible to date him.  I would have to seriously modify what I had planned to say to him that Friday.  I had a miserable next day.  I did not want to talk to him.  I felt I couldn't bring myself to pretend that everything was okay when it was not.  Something prompted me to chat with him anyways that evening.  It cheered me up slightly.

While I was chatting with him, I was finishing up my blog entry about the Gardens date.  Amin was really eager to see what I thought about it.  We had talked about it a little, but I had not told him everything and promised that all the details would be in the entry.  He was so happy with that post that he read it several times.  He was completely floored when he read the part about my feeling like kissing him.  He was surprised, agitated and ecstatic all at once because at the very exact same moment I had felt this, he had too.  He had not wanted to admit as much, because he thought I would find him too forward.  That is the point where I went berserk.  I felt I could not wait any longer, because it was simply torturous.  We had this good connection, which was evidenced by these further vibes which had just been revealed due, once again, to comparing notes with my blog (though I did not mention it in my entry "The Fight", the vibes I'd experienced played a major role in my decision process as well).  I knew, however, that we couldn't date, despite this amazing bond.  Amin knew that I was going to give him my answer on Friday and after this conversation, I was convinced he was going to think that I was ready to date him.  I couldn't stand it anymore.  I had to get that painful conversation over with as fast as possible.  I didn't want him to entertain any false hope any longer than necessary.  I asked if we could move up the meeting to the next day, Thursday, instead.  He agreed.