Hopeful 8 Hopeless 2
Though this is something I noticed right after the Gardens date, it took me awhile to realize its impact. I have been trying to keep my blog as chronological as possible, but I think that this theme post needs to be fit in to explain some important progress in my project. It is something I have not really had the chance to touch upon yet.
For the longest time, my happy thought was Giles. Every time I thought about him, it made me smile. His personality and his energy were so positive that just thinking about him, thinking anything at all about him made me feel happy. People have all sorts of "happy thoughts", things to think about that make them happy. If you ask my friend Crush, it is certainly "kittens", something she is happy to blurt out at any random moment. If she further meows, it really makes her happy and she immediately starts giggling. I would have to agree with her that things like rainbows and kittens are certainly happy thoughts. Another good example of a happy thought is a cupcake: you cannot be sad or angry when you think about a cupcake. If you are having a bad day, punch "cupcake" into a Google image search and your day will instantly be brightened by coloured icing and sprinkles.
A happy thought is an instant cure when you are feeling bad. It is a way to encourage yourself or pick yourself up and get on with your day. I consider myself a positive person in general and have naturally used the technique of using happy thoughts to feel better since I was little. So the thought of Giles played this role for me for quite awhile: every time I felt like life was difficult, I would picture him. I would think of the sound of his voice, the look of his hair or his handwriting. I would think of the messages we had exchanged (and would actually read them a lot). I would also say his name over and over inside my head if I was nervous or sad and it would help make me feel calmer. I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that I even did this before dates.
I was not all that happy about this, because I don't like the idea of a guy being my happy thought. It makes me feel like I am not sufficiently independent, like I am trying to rely on someone else to make me happy. That is always a mistake, because happiness comes from within. If you seek for external things, like material goods or people, to make you happy, you will never truly be happy. It is something that I have known since I was young and that I have always practiced. So I objected to having Giles as a happy thought. I realized that it was still mostly a way for me encouraging myself and that it was not so much Giles himself that was my happy thought. It was still too close to the border between healthy and unhealthy for my liking.
That is what changed after the Gardens date. After the very best date I had ever been on in my life, I found that Giles was barely in my mind anymore. I could hardly call him to mind the entire weekend when I was in the clouds. When I settled back into school, starting my new term on October 1st, Giles came back to my mind a little bit. Yet these thoughts never had the same hold on me after the Gardens date. Slowly but surely, they began to fade. What happened is that Giles was no longer my happy thought. Amin did not replace him as my happy thought. I was so relieved at that and so happy. My happy thoughts were my own again. My happy thoughts were rainbows and kittens and cupcakes and anything I was happy thinking about. That was a great gift Amin gave me; he cleared Giles from being so present in my thoughts and gave me and my happy thoughts back their independence from men. I was stunned. I could hardly believe it, but I was free. I was just thrilled.
So to all you hopefuls out there, think good Happy Thoughts!