It's Been a Long Time

It’s been a long time since I have updated my blog and I am not better for it.  In the creative exhaustion that grad school brings, and in my stubbornness to write this story in chronological order, I have managed to put a stop to my writing.  The truth, however, is that I need to be hopeful more than ever, so I want to try again.

It was so important for me to let unfold Amin’s story, to show how well-suited and happy we were together, how much in love.  I find it so reductive after breakups to say one sentence or two about how it did not work out.  I think it has been the most reductive for Amin.  It erases everything we had and everything we were to say that he rightly chose to go back to Iran to do his military service and not lose his family forever.

I am undergoing a similar grieving process at the moment.  I was sure I had lost my soul mate in Amin and that I would never love anyone again.  Two breakups later, I at once know that this is not true, but also feel it more than ever.  It has been about five months since Jeremy broke up with me, and I have that same feeling of nothing making sense in my life anymore.  I fight the feeling every day that I lost the love of my life, and that is it for me.

Here is a timeline to help catch you up to the present:

2012 – I met Amin and we started dating

2013 – In March, Amin broke up with me

2014 – I began grad school in Toronto and met Charlie.  We started dating.

2019 – I broke up with Charlie

2020 – I met Jeremy, and we started dating

2023 – At the beginning of April, Jeremy broke up with me

I am trying anything I can to heal from losing Jeremy.  I know myself, and I know how I can stay attached for a very long time.  I’m not getting any younger; it has been ten years since I updated this blog properly, since Amin left.  I don’t want to stay trapped like I did after my breakups with Amin and Charlie.  If any of this feels like you, hopeful reader, I hope you will find comfort in my words.  Sometimes it will be messy or ugly, but I hope we will find our way through.

~ Elise

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder, Or Narrower

So for just over a month, Amin was home in Iran.  I remember I encouraged him to go, since his mother kept asking when he was coming, and the Christmas break presented such a good opportunity to go.  It was a good chunk of time, which one needs when making a big trip.  Thinking of going to Europe, most people need a good two weeks.  Iran is a bit further, and a couple of time zones over, so Amin felt like three was a minimum to be able to enjoy time there.  

I remember that he was concerned about being away from me for such awhile right at the beginning of our relationship.  I assured him that it would be fine, and that it was important for him to see his family; he hadn't been home in awhile, and they missed each other.  I told him that it was not like I was going anywhere, and I'd be there when he got back.  He got to see me every week, and the opportunities to see his family were rarer, so I figured he should capitalize on them.  Still, it was harder to say goodbye than I imagined, and as I mentioned in my last post, I didn't do such a good job of it, which made me feel awkward.

Most of the awkwardness melted away from continuing to talk pretty much as usual.  This was still the days when MSN was online (I miss that chatting platform so so much!).  When he was in Montreal, we talked daily, about everything, all the time.  I really wonder how we got any school work done, the pair of us!  So when he was in Iran, I expected that we would communicate less, because he was busy with his family, and needed to make up for lost time.  He also explained to me that the Internet situation is not great in Iran, as many websites are blocked.  They still had Google, unlike China, but no social media, and many other websites that we use here in North America every day and simply take for granted.  He told me that this would make it more difficult to communicate, and that sometimes there would be lapses of time where he could not connect with me.  Connections were less reliable, particularly when using some kind of work-around to bypass the website bans, so he could access things like facebook.  He was very motivated to do it, though, and so we stayed in touch with relative ease.  I think there was only once or twice he cut out in the middle of a conversation.

In fact, it really began to make me feel concerned at how he was coping with being away.  I felt like he was not making the most of the time with his family, which felt to me like a waste.  He spent a lot of time at the computer chatting with me, instead of experiencing things with his relatives.  I might have suggested quietly once or twice to him that he should spend more time with his family.  I did, however, put my foot down one day when I was out shopping with my mother and he had a bit of a meltdown.  I had at least three messages from him when I got back, with the tenor of "Where are you?!" and they seemed quite panicked.  I told him that it was the middle of the day, I was out, this was Normal, and that he needed to not freak out about that.  I said furthermore that this kind of behaviour was excessive, and could even be construed as controlling or stalker-like.  So maybe I pushed my point a bit far... It woke him up very fast, though, and he was mortified when he realized how his messages could have come off.  Problem nipped in the bud immediately: this never happened again.

The remaining awkwardness resulted from vibes.  I just scrolled back through my posts to see how much I had said about them, and I am pleased to see that the subject has had a good preliminary discussion, particularly in the post Two Chocoholics.  Certainly since Amin and I first met, we both picked up on each other's feelings in one another's presence.  Again, one could argue that we were detecting facial cues, or noticing body language, or something of that sort that would give an indication of how the other one was feeling.  This cannot explain how we were able to sense one another's feelings when not physically together.  This simply continued as usual while Amin was away, despite the distance being multiplied exponentially across continents.  Perhaps this explains part of Amin's desire to talk to me a lot from Iran.  I know at least one time he was visibly distracted in company: it was New Year's Eve, and he was sitting around the table with many relatives.  I knew it was midnight there already, so I was fantasizing about that New Year's kiss I had never yet had, but seen so many times in movies.  Amin felt that, and got such a look on his face, that people asked him what was wrong, and if he was okay.  If anything, I think our psychic bond was growing stronger.

Absence can certainly make you grow fonder of another person.  I think it is the yearning that can make you pull closer.  I had asked Amin how to say "I miss you" in Farsi.  He explained that you say "my heart is narrow for you" ("delam barat tang shode").  He said that was supposed to be the image of how it feels when you miss someone, how your heart gets narrower.  I immediately recognized that tight feeling in your chest as your heart is hurting, as though no air can get to it, or you can't breathe anymore.  I marveled that Farsi had an expression precisely for that feeling.  I'm still amazed at what a beautiful, clever, and evocative language it is.



P.S. Since I do not have a better place for this, I am going to finish this post with the beautiful Christmas e-card that Amin sent me.  He delayed delivery, because he knew he would be traveling on December 25th.  I was so touched!  From what I remember of the attached message, he called me his "Christmas angel" 💖https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRNXC8dRMII

Short December

This is a post I did not have a draft for, but nevertheless is essential to the timeline.  It is for time spent with Amin in December, which was short, since he was headed home during the holidays.  Yet, in just over a week, we had a couple of very memorable moments together.

For my birthday, my Dad gave me two tickets to see Loreena McKennitt, so that I could take whoever I wanted.  I forget at what point I told Amin that I wanted him to go with me; it might even have been before we started dating.  Knowing that he loved her music like I did, I could not think of a better person to treat to my concert birthday gift.  I had seen her during her Ancient Muse tour twice, and had been with various friends and relatives, so now it was his turn.  He felt a bit uncomfortable at first, until I explained that it was my gift, so it was my choice who I would bring, and that he should not feel strange about it.

So, on December 7th, the time had come for the Loreena concert.  I remember that we had seats pretty near the stage and I was really stoked when I saw the lantern before the performance started.  I called it: she was going to sing Dicken's Dublin.  She said it was the first time she tried it in concert, and hoped that technology would cooperate to incorporate the recording which she plays alongside the music in this piece.  Everything went off without a hitch, and it was magical.  Amin and I were simply thrilled as she played so many of our favourites.  It is still amazing for me to think that we grew up on opposite sides of the world and listened to the same music.  There were many tender moments holding hands and squeezing them as she intoned lyrics from Penelope's Song ("I will keep your heart with mine, Till you come to me"), or Never Ending Road ("Here is my heart, I give it to you, Take me with you across this land, These are my dreams, So simple and few, Dreams we hold in the palm of our hands").  I know we floated out of Place des Arts, a place that now had a couple of great associations for us.  I also remember killing time before catching my bus sitting with him in the deserted Complexe Desjardins and sharing many good kisses.

My sweetheart putting ornaments on the tree
like a pro
(Seems I broke my rule of never posting a
picture for you readers to ogle at... I'm
calling this an exception since he's in profile
and all you snoops can't figure out Amin's
real identity, or at least so I hope!)

December 9th, we invited Amin over for tree trimming.  He had expressed an interest in Christmas, and experiencing it with people who celebrate it, and experiencing it with me.  Of course, he was not going to be in Montreal over Christmas, so we had him join us for putting up the tree and decorating it.  He was really excited.  My sister's boyfriend was with us too, and it was his first time decorating too, so it was perfect.  The part that was a surprise for all of us, was how my Mom put on a small Christmas dinner for us that day.  She didn't even tell me that she planned to do this!  She cooked a chicken, and made many of the traditional fixings that go with turkey, I think some stuffing and cranberry, and mashed potatoes.  When I realized what she was doing, and all the work she was going to at such a busy time of year, I was really touched.  Amin was also really happy to have a taste of Christmas.  After supper, we even opened Christmas crackers and wore the hats and read our jokes.  It made parting for the
                                                                         holidays not feel half so bad.

One thing that really hit home as I saw Amin for the last time the day before his flight is that I am not good at saying goodbye.  I think we grabbed some tea for an hour or two, and we parted on a metro platform.  I don't even remember what I said, but it was not particularly apt.  I still don't think I'm very good with parting.  I think it might have started back when I was around 10 or so, and my kindergarten sweetheart Luke was moving to BC.  We actually refused to say goodbye, because we found it too sad.  I think that might have been my idea, and he was good to agree with me.  I have regretted that ever since, because I never got the chance to say goodbye and we have since lost touch.  He was one of my very best friends from childhood, and I never said goodbye.  So on the metro platform, I probably said something about seeing him in January or some such thing.  And as soon as I got on the metro, I felt really strange.  Like maybe in that moment, when I said whatever lame thing I said, it had not been real.  But it was real: he was leaving for a good month.  And I wasn't going to see him.  And I was going to miss him.  But I didn't say any of those things.  I just felt awkward.  It even feels awkward remembering this...

Learning Farsi

My next draft post was entitled "Learning Farsi".  Clearly I thought I needed a thematic post in this spot.  I don't see why not.  Though I have only a couple of point form notes here, I think it is a good one to have here, because to me learning Farsi was very important.  I recognized that learning Amin's language was part of learning about his culture and understanding him better and bonding with him more deeply.  I also love languages, so it was something I was excited about.  

So one day early on, I sat down with him with a piece of paper with a list of phrases that I wanted to know how to say.  I knew already how to wish him good night on chats, but I wanted to start incorporating more small things like that.

I brought him the page with English phrasing, leaving lots of space for him to fill in the Farsi.  He helpfully wrote them for me with the Roman alphabet, because I could not read Persian script.  I had "Hello" and "Goodbye" at the top, which I figured were the most basic.  I should've guessed that "Hello" is "salam".  "Goodbye", he explained, "Khoda hafez" means something like "God protect you".  I really like that.  Then I had how to say "How are you?" and "I'm fine".  I had those introductory phrases too "What is your name?" and "Pleased to meet you", because those are often the first things you say in any beginner's language class.  I also think I had the idea that Amin's Mom might like to say Hi on Skype at some point, so I wanted to be able to see "Khosh-halam ke mibinametoon", which is the formal way of saying it.  I love that when you say that you are pleased to meet someone in Farsi, you are literally saying "I am happy (khosh halam) seeing you".  Next was "Thank you", which I laughed to see is "Merci" borrowed from French (or "mamnoon" if you want to be less French-derived, or more formal).

"Flip it over" I told him.  Amin looked overwhelmed, perhaps because he thought it was a lot for me to take in at once, or perhaps because he had just explained a lot of phrases to me (especially between formal and informal forms).  All of this melted away and was replaced by a smile when he saw that there was only one phrase on the other side: I love you.  This was my little dramatic reveal.  In a way, I had done all of this because I wanted to know how to say "I love you" in Farsi.  I did silly and cute things like that when I was younger.  "Doostat daram" he wrote.  And then I learned why he said "I love you so much" in English.  Like in French, when you say "doostat daram", you can say this to a variety of people like family or friends, just like the verb "aimer".  How can you tell the difference between "like" and "love"?  French does not really have a good answer to this question.  In Farsi, though, they add something to help give context, oftentimes the intensifier "kheili" ("a lot", "so much").  When you say "kheili doostat daram", it is "I like you very much", read "I love you".  From then on, I tried to say "kheili doostat daram" as often as "I love you".

November Postscript

The next entry in my drafts is entitled "November Postcript".  It had a couple of notes for things that happened that did not have to do with Amin for the month of November.  One said to talk about this Spanish/Indian guy I met on the bus.  I had included this in the draft, because we spoke for the entire bus ride.  It has happened to me before to have conversations with people in Spanish when they find out I can speak a little, I think because they are so very happy to hear someone speaking their language in the middle of a linguistically-prejudiced province.  This guy, however, was really wanting to get my number and go on a date.  So I wanted to write this here because it took me by surprise.  Yes, even after all my experience with Plenty of Fish I did, and do, find it strange when someone expresses an interest in me.  It is so rare, that I am not expecting it.  Usually I'm just invisible to men, so I was taken aback because I was Noticed.  I remember marveling about it while talking to my sister's boyfriend at the time, and saying something like: what, do I glow now or something?  Are men suddenly noticing me?  Maybe so.  He was an isolated incident, though, so it's hard to say.  I like to think that being with Amin made me glow :)

The next note says "Brunch with Louis".  Yes, indeed, I did go for brunch with him.  I guess this is here because I was wondering a bit if he was interested in me.  A friend had warned me, saying that all French guys from France were just big flirts.  I knew he had a girlfriend, who we talked a lot about during this brunch, so as I suspected, I was very securely his friend.  He talked about how they were trying to get her to emigrate to Quebec too, and what a better quality of life it would be.  He was finishing up his Master's degree in History with a focus on teaching in the Cégep system.  It was nice to catch up with him, and he chuckled when I told him about the blog and how he was in it.  "Je ne savais pas que tu avais une vie sur les blogues!"  Well, no, not really a whole secret blogging life, Louis...  It kind of sounded like I was cute and he needed to humour me.

This is also the month, of course, when I deleted my Plenty of Fish account.  Under this, the note also said "writing last messages".  I guess there were just a couple of people I needed to tell about not looking anymore.  There is nothing really significant that I remember about this, other than the fact that I was feeling very good about Amin and confident that things were going well.  I permanently deleted my profile and settled into my new relationship.

November

The first draft in my box is this one, a post for November 2012 (this is a serious life-time ago).  It seems that I was almost done this entry, so as promised, it is appearing as is, until I run out of text at that the end, where 2019 me will jump back in:


As I stated in a previous post, I would like to move my blog along more swiftly by creating an entry for every month.  This is the one for November, chronicling my dates with Amin over that month. 

On November 2nd, I had my first proper date with him as his girlfriend.  We had seen each other at Halloween (see "First Days" post), but we had been doing school work in the library.  November 2nd was a Friday, which meant that we had time and much less stress.  I met him after his TA session and we went out for supper.  I remember that it was a colder day, so I wanted to wear a sweater.  I wanted to look good too, though, so I picked the purple one with sparkles.  Amin always remarks on what I wear, saying that it is nice and that I am pretty, which was at first more or less easy for me to hear, but which is now so very appreciated.  We went to Juliette et chocolat, somewhere we chocoholics had
surprisingly not yet been.  The place was quaint and very busy.  We had a delicious hot chocolate sample, then asked for a bowl of our own (it was the first time I drank out of a bowl as opposed to a mug or cup and I found that the chocolate cooled much too quickly for my liking).  My sister and her boyfriend asked to come by to see us, so after ordering, we popped ourselves outside Juliette et chocolat to say "Hi".  My sister commutes each week from Ottawa where she goes to University, so she couldn't come inside with her giant bags full of clothes and books.  Normally I would've said that such a meeting didn't make much logical sense, since it was short, she was laden down with her various things and so on.  However, I was glad that she was taking and interest.  She had already met Amin at my birthday, but she wanted to acknowledge him now as my boyfriend.  She wanted to show that he was important in my life and to introduce him to an important person in her life.  If you ask my sister's boyfriend, he will first and foremost say that he is Canadian, however, he is also Indian.  He grew up here, but his parents came over from India, so he has both cultures in his heritage.  I was so glad that Amin got a chance to meet him early on, because I knew it would reassure him.  It would show him that we Carons date guys based on their personality, not their ethnic or cultural background and that our parents are fully supportive of and welcoming of our choice.  I had neglected to mention my sister's boyfriend's background; I wanted Amin to see for himself.  So this one brief moment had much significance.  Amin and I found ourselves soon back at our table and in sweet chocolate bliss.  I ordered the crêpe with strawberries, bananas and semi-sweet chocolate.  He went for the one with all the fruits.  I finished mine and it was just the right portion for me, but alas, Amin could not finish his!  He gazed longingly at his plate, full to bursting and I told him that that's why I made sure there were only two fruits in my dish, otherwise I knew I would not be able to get through it.  The only slightly awkward moment came when it was time to settle the bill.  I asked him how we were going to do that.  He asked me to repeat, so I thought he hadn't heard, but we were having a comprehension problem.  Once he got the gist, though, he insisted on paying for supper.  I was about to learn in the coming months that my negotiating power in this area was almost nil.  I just breathed and tried to go with it, because I knew that it was important to him because of his culture's values and that thus far I had not been allowing him to do what was comfortable.  Like with the other aspects of dating that I was getting used to, I was quiet on the outside and trying to quell the voices or arguments inside.  After supper, we had planned on a movie.  Amin assured me that his office would be empty on a Friday night and that we would be alone, or close to it, to watch this film.  I was nervous because I knew that some of his officemates were Iranian.  During our discussions about public displays of affection, he asked that we be careful in front of his colleagues because he is a private person, but also particularly because Iranians don't date.  He wanted to be secretive not because he did not want to acknowledge me as his girlfriend, but because he wanted time to tell people and certain people would require more time than others.  For example, on October 25th, he came home and told his best friend that we were going out.  His cousin, however, was another matter.  I figured he would probably be one of the last people to find out.  Amin and I walked into his office and there were about five people already in.  My nerves went up a notch as I wondered how these strangers were labelling me: Amin's friend, Amin's girlfriend?  We came in silently, trying not to disrupt their work and sat at Amin's desk.  I pulled the DVD from my purse and he set up two pairs of headphones so we could hear the movie.  I didn't imagine that there would be a way to concentrate on the film with so many other bodies in the room, but it actually worked fairly well.  I had picked a good film for that: Phantom of the Opera.  Two things I didn't tell Amin and still have not confessed are that I watched this very movie with Frédéric and that I really think we should've taken his laptop as I suggested and found a quiet spot outside of his office to watch it (the whole rest of the floor was deserted).  We managed to pull off this odd viewing because Phantom of the Opera is one of those truly magical films.  It completely absorbs you into its world, with the genius of Andrew Lloyd Webber's music, the stunning cinematography, the exquisite costumes, etc.  As soon as Christine began to sing "Think of Me", one of my
favourite pieces in the movie, I felt Amin's hand grab mine, firmly and excitingly clasping it.  I just stared at the screen, trying not to alter my facial expressions.  This was exactly the sort of thing Amin made me promise we would Not do in his office.  I didn't pull my hand away, but I didn't keep his there.  He did let go after a couple of minutes, perhaps recollecting himself.  I couldn't help wondering if anyone had noticed and continued being on my very best behaviour for the duration.  Afterwards, I suggested that I needed some air.  That was polite code for: let's go have some alone time!  We found a bench to sit on and I sang a few bars of "Think of Me" for him, to his delight.  We talked a bit about the movie, but we did more of that in the weeks following this date.  It was the first time we were not strictly "in public" since we had talked about disliking public displays of affection; his office had still been too public.  I felt it was also an opportunity to make good on my will to work on kissing.  Amin was surprised because he had expected me to need more space.  I told him, as I expressed in my entry "My True Love's Kiss" that I felt I really needed to practice rather than abstain to get past this hurdle.  He was so attentive, asking me again and again if I was sure and if I was okay.  I was okay.  Not being terrified was a good start.  We finished the evening with him accompanying me part of the way home and my playing some of Loreena McKennitt's "Tango to Evora" on my penny whistle for him (more on the subject of Loreena later, I promise!).  He was so impressed that I remembered his favourite piece that he was not sure whether he should be posting "Think of Me" on his facebook profile or "Tango to Evora".  I think he ended up with some references to both.  We were both well pleased with how this date went.


November 10th was our next date.  Amin came to pick me up at work.  When I finished up for the day, I caught him out of the corner of my eye, but I had a parent to speak to.  I greeted my tutee's father and gave him the requested feedback about his son's progress in Math.  Afterwards, I went up to Amin and wasn't sure how to greet him.  I gave him a hug and asked if he'd like to see my classroom.  We went quietly down the hallway for a few paces, until we were out of earshot of my coworkers and the students, he said under his breath, "I hate you!"  Startled, I asked him why.  He said he'd overheard me speaking Spanish to the father and wanted to know if there were languages I couldn't speak!  I'm laughing now as I write this, but I took it very seriously at the time.  I explained that my communications in Spanish are quite rudimentary and that he should've heard me hesitating and searching for words.  The upshot of it was that Amin was teasing and was very proud of my linguistic abilities.  Once we got to my room, I said something quiet about "this is where I teach" (or tutor, rather).  He was in a hurry to get going and I was trying to get him onto my wavelength, something that had played out romantically and seamlessly in my mind, but not exactly in reality.  I don't know how I managed to get him to take a couple of more steps inside, but as soon as he was far enough from the door (which has a small window), I kissed him.  He told me later that he found that clever and that it was a very pleasant surprise.  It was one of the first times I initiated and it was definitely our first kiss while standing; he was delighted.  He was so distracted, it took him awhile to realize that he was holding his coat in his hands which he finally let drop onto a desk.  We hadn't planned on staying at my work originally; it kind of developed that way.  We had some loose plans for the date, but we had been having difficulty deciding on exactly what we wanted to do all week.  So we had some ideas and the rest was kind of going with the flow.  The first thing we did was chat a bit.  I was not feeling very well, as is often the case after a few hours of tutoring.  I remember feeling weak and asking if he didn't mind if we stayed at work a bit so I could rest, so I could sit and eat.  Amin had been about to ask me if I'd had lunch and when he heard I hadn't, he was adamant that I should do so at once.  So I pulled out my sandwich and snacks to reenergize.  When it came to it, I didn't want to get moving just yet.  Understanding and agreeable as ever, he was totally fine with just staying quiet on what was supposed to be a "big date".  One thing we had talked about was going to see a movie, but we had not found anything particularly appealing out in theaters.  I'd brought a couple of DVDs of my own in case perhaps watching one became a possibility.  I asked Amin what he thought and he said it was a great idea.  That way we didn't have to go anywhere while I was recuperating.  I let him choose and he went with Kate and Leopold.  Watching the movie on the plastic chairs was not super comfortable, but the television in my classroom worked out really well.  We were interrupted briefly by the security guard who was locking up the rooms.  I never stayed that late and was nervous that she might want to kick us out.  She said that as long as we were finished up by 5:00, that was fine.  I assured her we would be.  The movie ended somewhere around 4:30.  Amin enjoyed it as I expected he would.  We have the same taste in movies and never have anyone that is willing to watch them with us.  We often get the comment: "You're watching That again?!" from others.  It is so nice for both of us to finally have someone to watch movies with.
I was feeling much better at that point, so I proposed we go skating as planned.  Again, Amin needed to be reassured that I was truly up for it.  Once that was settled, we got into the car he had rented especially for our date and headed to L'Atrium le 1000.  He was glad to save me energy by driving, not to mention that having a car made it feel much more like an occasion.  Most of all, he was simply thrilled to be driving with me sitting next to him in the passenger seat.  He said something like, "You do not know how it is to be me driving with such a lovely and precious person beside me in the car."  No, clearly in his incoherent burst of emotion, I could not really know how it felt, other than to say that it made him so very happy.  My sister had talked about "going skating at Bonaventure" as a strictly couples thing.  Not to say that friends don't go skating there, but that oftentimes you find couples on the ice and that it could often be considered a typical dating activity.  Far be it from me to want to do something popular or stereotypically date-ish in Montreal; Amin and I had strictly practical reasons.  I had skates, but he did not.  It is not everywhere that you can go skating and also rent skates, so Bonaventure it was.  I had not set foot on a rink in awhile, so I was curious to see how it would go.  Amin had never skated before; it was his first time.  I was even more curious to see how he would do.  I promised him that I would hold his hand and that he would not fall as long as I was holding his hand.  To my amazement, that is exactly what happened.  We stepped out onto the ice and I helped him through the awkward first turns when you have such a hard time moving more than a tiny bit at a time.  Little by little, he started to take some bigger strides.  His balance was good generally speaking; for the rest, I steadied him.  We were we in danger of falling only a handful of times, when Amin was thrown far off kilter, but each time I managed to pull him back to center.  One of those times, I'm the one that lost my balance and he held me and prevented me from falling.  I could hardly believe that it was his first time on the ice; normally that would've surely have caused both of us to fall.  Later, he observed to me that when I held his hand that I was transferring a lot of energy to him through it.  I had no idea I was doing that.  He said it helped sustain him and keep him upright.  Like any good instructor, I started telling him to let go of my hand and skate on his own.  At that point, that is really the only way you can progress.  Amin didn't like that very much; he would go a few feet and then be looking for me.  I was never far behind or ahead, always watching out for him.  As time wore on, I did manage to get him to go around once on his own.  We skated for quite awhile, taking only a few rests.  I was impressed at my stamina; I had not thought I would last that long.  Amin was too, but then he said that it was because I was skating more slowly with him.  He encouraged me to strike out on my own a couple of times while he rested.  One time in particular, I skated faster than usual because I recognized The Box's song "Closer Together", one that I like.  Amin said he enjoyed watching me "skate for real" and that the way I found the rhythm in the music was beautiful; he said it was like dancing.  He was just so full of compliments as he reflected on our date.  I was telling him the next day that I could proudly say to everyone that my first-time skater did not fall once.  I could still hardly believe it myself.  His reply was: "Hmmm... it seems I found my balance in everything not only my life; I needed you to find balance in everything sweetheart".  See what a sweetheart He is?  The experience had a magical quality for both of us.  By the time we stopped skating, most of the places in the foodcourt had closed.  The pizza place was still open, though, so we grabbed a slice.  I know that Amin had hoped for something more romantic on a "big date", but we once again went with the flow.  It was nearby, we were tired and I definitely needed to eat and would not have been able to wait for dinner service.  I also remember having Orange Crush, something I hadn't had since elementary school!  Right then, that was the coolest thing.  Afterwards, Amin drove me back home.  He stopped the rental a little beside my place.  Concealed by a tree, he leaned over and kissed me before getting out of the car.  I had the impression that was the best kiss of the day; I had the feeling of never wanting it to end.  He then helped me get my work things and my skates out of the trunk and bid me goodnight.

On November 16th, Amin was invited over for supper for the first time.  I was of two minds about this visit.  I was of course happy to have him over, but I was nervous about how meeting my family would go.  Well, to be more accurate, I was nervous about him meeting my Dad.  Generally speaking, Dad says awkward or stupid things, even when there is company.  He has been particularly inhospitable to boyfriends in the past (for example, talking about "taking out his shotgun" just to see if he could freak the hell out of my sister's teenage boyfriends).  Amin told me that he was not concerned about it and asked me not to worry, but the truth is that I was more worried about my not being able to handle it than him not being able to.  He was, however, eager to be prepared for all other aspects of the visit.  He started asking about what my place is like, what our habits are and etc. so that he could get a good idea of what he was walking into.  So I don't think he was without a little anxiety walking in.  I answered all of his questions in the most detail I could to help him feel more confident.  It turns out that all of the stress was for nothing.  Everyone behaved well, including my Dad.  We managed to make a good first impression on Ali and I think people also liked him (though sometimes it is difficult to get a sense of a mostly quiet boyfriend on a first visit!).  We managed to not make a serious dietary faux-pas too (courtesy of my Mom).  My parents made chicken cacciatore, something we hadn't had in awhile.  As I discovered later, technically speaking no Muslim should eat meat that is not halal, but Amin and some of his relatives had decided upon coming to Canada that though they would opt for halal if given the choice, they would not pass up on certain experiences, such as having a meal home-cooked by friends.  We did, however, avoid the bigger problem: Mom made sure we skipped the white wine in the sauce.  Amin explained to me that even when alcohol burns off during cooking, it is not okay for Muslims.  Thank God my Mom pays attention to details and is smart about such things!  He was a bit disconcerted when he found out that I had briefed my family a bit on how to behave, like telling Dad not to offer him alcohol (he has a tendency to push booze on people; you have to refuse at least three times for him to stop asking and if ever he pours for you, he stops about 10-15 seconds AFTER you say "when"!).  Despite my Dad's spur-of-the-moment toast which was awkward but livable (something about how he was happy that Amin makes me happy; his random bursts of emotion often do not feel genuine) and his interrogation was limited to Amin's thesis topic.  Having my sister's boyfriend being present as well was helpful; it showed Amin what it was like to be more comfortable and integrated into the family dynamic.  He really reacted positively too to my Dad's random "welcome to the family" bit in the toast (what, like we were getting married or something?!).  Talking with him later, he expressed to me that it was so nice to be at a family gathering, something he had not experienced in 2 years; I realized in that moment how lonely it can be living in a different country without your family and thus how good it felt to be present and also accepted into our albeit off-beat group.  Besides that, the main general feedback I got from Amin about the evening was that supper was good, dessert (fruit crumble) was divine and that my family was very nice, particularly my
Mom.  Then there was the evening from our perspective.  When Dad went to pick up the boyfriends, Amin handed me a beautiful bouquet of roses and showed me the box of Lindt chocolates he had picked up for Mom.  I was still not yet fully settled into the mind-frame of being the girlfriend, so I thought the flowers were also for Mom.  The flowers were always for Mom; Mom loved flowers and people brought her flowers.  No one ever brought me flowers.  It took my brain a few minutes to actually compute this.  My flowers.  They were MY flowers!  Not only that: they were Roses!  I was speechless.  I had never felt the need for anyone to get me roses, but now that I had some, I felt it was such a nice gesture.  I got to enjoy them for many days, because they lasted well.  What a wonderful way to start the evening!  When we arrived, Mom greeted us, then left us to our own devices, as planned.  I had asked for us to have the use of the family room.  That was tough to negotiate, since Dad would normally be watching television at that hour.  We were granted that time before supper to have the space to ourselves.  I was really looking forward to sharing more of my music with him, so we had decided to take some time at the piano.  I was nervous at first, as I typically am when I have an audience.  That usually passes fairly quickly, though.  I haven't taken lessons in a long time, but I enjoy playing and really just do it for fun.  I had been unexpectedly inspired to pull out the first piece I had taught myself to play at the age of nine: the easy version of My Heart Will Go On.  I had misplaced the sheet music for the longest time, but it had resurfaced just a few days prior.  Nervous, I didn't sing the first verse, but began at, "Love was when I loved you, One true time I hold to...".  I was looking at my fingers and not at his reaction, but I could feel he had gotten quiet beside me, the sort of hush you get when you want to hear everything perfectly or when you are completely mesmerized by what is before you.  His praise of my playing was warm throughout.  My goal had been to play the songs from Phantom of the Opera for Amin and get him to sing along with me.  He had been nervous at this prospect when I first voiced it shortly after seeing the movie, but it grew on him.  He had looked up lyrics and listened to the music in anticipation.  It took him a little while to chime in, though.  We started with "Think of Me", which was meant to be helpful in that Raoul doesn't have a lot to sing in that piece and would help Amin build up some confidence.  No such thing.  I sang both Christine and Raoul in that one.  Then came "Angel of Music" and I was still singing everyone's part.  I think he came in with me the first time at "Phantom of the Opera".  What I remember is that "All I Ask of You" was sublime.  We did that one twice.  I was so thrilled to have someone to sing with me and Amin enjoyed it a lot too.  We agreed that we should do this often as it was so much fun.       

On November 24th, Amin was invited to a birthday celebration for one of his office mates.  It was at her place and significant others were also invited.  He really wanted me to go with him; in fact, he thought of it as an occasion for us and was not keen on going without me.  I was very flattered at being asked because it meant that he was going to officially introduce me to many of his office-mates.  I was going to be recognized as the girlfriend and slowly begin integrating into his world.      


*** And this is where the entry in my drafts trails off.  What I remember from his office mate's party is just a few details here or there.  I know we talked a bit with the office gossip, who Amin said was already pretty sure we were dating and dying to talk about it all over the lab.  We talked probably most with T, Amin's best friend and gym buddy.  By the time I talked to the birthday girl herself, it was close to the time Amin and I were leaving, and she had had a bit to drink by then, so she wanted me to know that it was MY job to teach him French.  Yes, yes, I would, I assured her.

It was my intention when I was first writing this entry to consult my calendar and my messages from Amin to fill in details I didn't remember.  At this point, I realize that it is holding me back and delaying my progress in this blog to be going into that kind of depth.  Looking at my calendar for November of 2012, there are no other dates written in, so I feel safe enough to conclude here for this entry.

I'm Back Part II: What to Expect

Since I'm coming back to this project after a long hiatus, I realized that some things will have to change about my format.  One of the things that held me back, for example, was being stuck in the chronological sequence of events.  I fell behind in going through details in order, which simply prompted me to fall more behind.  I do not want to take away this organization altogether, since my brain really works well sequentially.  Instead, what I propose is to try to accomplish what I was trying to with posts left in my drafts box on Blogger, then see where new posts need to take me.

In going through old events, of course, it makes little sense for me to use my old system of "Hopeful and Hopeless counts".  In fact, I'm not sure they will serve me well for how I'm feeling now either, so this is a structure that is no longer useful.  In going through half-written drafts of old posts, I am going to keep things as they are, and probably not be able to complete them in the same amount of detail.  I'll indicate faithfully when I have a chunk of text that I had written those many years ago, then show a break where I'm jumping back in now, so that you can know the difference.

I figure that themes will be the driving force in the new chapter of my blog, since six years is a lot of life to catch up on (especially in order).  Probably what will make me most Hopeful is to talk about the things that are pertinent to me now.  It will kind of be like when you phone up or text your friend and talk to them about something you are thinking about, or a particular way you are feeling.  I fall down a lot of these rabbit holes, talking about abstract things that are not happening now, but that I am thinking about because of something that did happen.  Hopefully this will become clearer as we navigate this new format together.

Posts will be made on a more regular basis.  Hopefully I can write every week.  Definitely I will no longer let months go by without at least one post.

Till soon!

Hopeful Romantic is Back

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate the ongoing interest in my blog, especially since I haven't written in such a long time.  I've felt guilty even at the thought of opening Blogger because I have not kept this up to date.  It is heartwarming, though, to see that people still read what I have here and have written me encouraging comments.

I have stayed away too long, which is sad for you, but also for me.  I love to write; it is one of the things that gives me true joy and makes me feel alive.  It is hard to keep up while being a graduate student, but I am committed to writing now, because I am convinced I need it.

Spoilers?  Nope!  I am not one to believe in those.  So for everyone out there wondering, you are going to have to read for yourself about Amin.  I have always said that whether or not you are dating or have found the person of your dreams, this does not remove the need to be hopeful.  I did not intend for my story to end on a high note; that was simply coincidence.  Last time, I was pushing to finish my undergraduate degree, and now I'm doing my PhD, so again, this is going to be a challenge, but I really want to find a way to make it work.  I certainly need a dose of Hope, and perhaps you do too.

See you soon, dear readers :)

Elise  

My True Love's Kiss

Hopeful 2     Hopeless 8

"I've been dreaming of a True Love's Kiss", sings Giselle right at the beginning of the movie Enchanted.  This is how I felt for the longest time.  Unlike Giselle, I did not live in a little cottage in woods waiting for "a prince I'm hoping comes with this".  I did, however, have a wonderful dream in my head of the magic which is a great kiss.  I had not yet experienced one and was yearning for this True Love's Kiss.

What I had difficulty understanding was how this dream didn't transform into reality.  In my mind, I was comfortable with kissing.  I wanted to kiss Amin as early as the Gardens date.  In my imagination, it felt natural and blissful.  I didn't understand why there was such a disconnect with reality.  When I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and Amin's lips touched mine, why then did the experience become terrifying?  I couldn't account for the intense fear.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, it was not the first time I had had this problem.  I even became mysteriously feverish the day that I kissed Frédéric for the first time.  I thought maybe the trouble was going from essentially nothing (no hand holding or hugging, etc.) straight to kissing.  So for a couple of weeks, I asked if we could transition like that.  He agreed.  I was so over the moon, cooing about how "understanding" and "respectful" he was.  Again, simply the idea of that and of the way I was back then makes me queasy.  After the two weeks were up, we tried again.  Frédéric was happy.  I, however, was not really any more advanced.  I didn't have extreme terror anymore.  I had some anxiety, perhaps.  The rest was completely indifferent.  I couldn't understand how I could have romantic feelings for him, yet feel absolutely nothing when we kissed.  I felt very warm and fuzzy holding his hand or hugging or cuddling.  There was literally nothing, though, when we kissed.  Not even once.

Yup, Edward... we're not feeling it...

I wanted to write this entry to elaborate, to go beyond the general concepts I laid out in my last post.  It is all well and good to say that True Love's Kiss isn't necessarily the first kiss or that it requires some time or effort but that you will get there.  How?  How do you get there?  I wish I'd had a roadmap or someone to explain this to me.  Like I said, I'd have spent a lot less time feeling awkward or abnormal.

I had hoped that choosing a better person than Frédéric (which was not hard to do, as it turns out!) would do the trick.  I chose Amin, but my heart sank when this did not instantly solve my problem with kissing.  He knew something was up and he prompted me a lot to tell him what I was thinking and how I was feeling.  Like I wrote in my entry "First Days", he got me to admit that public displays of affection are not really my thing.  It took me a little longer than that to talk about the kissing issue.  Not only did I feel abnormal and embarrassed, but I most emphatically did not want him to take it as a reflection on him.  I did not want him to think that I was not into him or that he wasn't a good kisser or something like that.  Again, October 25th was such a spectacular night for him that I didn't want anything to kill the magic for him.

Much quicker than I would've liked, Amin had me telling him everything.  He had me admitting to the whole of my history with Frédéric in regards to kissing.  I remember that I felt terrible confessing this.  Thank God we were having this conversation online!  This is the point, however, where I discovered true understanding and respect.  Though I was not immediately reassured, Amin said everything to reassure me.  He started off with normalizing my feelings, being careful not to invalidate them.  He told me that I was not so strange and that in fact not everyone likes to French kiss.  I could hardly believe him.  He also came out with a list of reasons why I could possibly be feeling anxious about kissing.  He followed it up with a solemn promise that we didn't have to kiss at all.  This surprised me most of all, I think.  He told me that though he liked kissing, if it really made me feel so uncomfortable and so upset, we would simply not kiss.  That phrase came up again about my comfort level being the most important thing.

While that was all very nice, it was not what I wanted.  I believe that relationships are about compromise and balance.  I was not going to let him give up kissing for me.  Besides, it's not that I didn't want to kiss.  In fact, I think kissing is an important part of a romantic relationship.  To console myself when I was with Frédéric, I had said that "kissing is just one facet of the relationship and certainly not the most important one".  I had underestimated its importance and I was not about to make the same mistake.  I told Amin that I wanted to work on it.  He agreed as long as it wasn't purely for his enjoyment, as he put it.  He consented on the condition that I would eventually feel good about kissing and enjoy it too. 

I realized that my strategy had to be different from the last time.  I had asked Frédéric to take a break from kissing for the first two weeks.  This did not help in the slightest.  I understood that avoiding kissing was not effective, nor was what I did after that, which was to simply expect that it would "sort itself out".  It wasn't going to happen by magic.  I knew that it would require effort.

I just didn't know at all how to go about it.  There was so much, actually, that I simply didn't know.  Amin had asked me right away what was making me so nervous about kissing (and had come up with some possible answers).  I had no idea.  Again, in my head, I was perfectly at ease with kissing.  In reality I was not.  It was puzzling for me.  Amin was very eager to do anything he could to help, but he could hardly do anything when I was so unclear in my own mind.  How could I tell him what I did not know myself?

Yet, he's the one that came up with the solution.  Unknowingly, from the very first, he did all of the right things.  Along with all the other things I quoted him on above, he told me that I was good at kissing.  I was floored.  The sincerity with which he said it made me realize that he was not just trying to reassure me; he really really meant it.  I could not integrate this fully at the time, but Amin kept on telling me.  Just that praise, that positive reinforcement, made a huge difference.  In fact, the whole solution really was communication.  I know I mentioned in an earlier entry that he liked to go over details of time we spent together, revisit the memory and give his feedback.  Well, that is what we did about kissing.  We talked about it.  That may seem strange to many of you as you read this, but it was so effective.  Amin's natural instinct was a good one.

I think it actually started from a desire to have me believe that I was good at kissing.  I remember he said on more than one occasion about our first kisses: "I felt so much passion from you".  Well, that was news to me.  I had no awareness whatsoever.  I could feel nothing.  I couldn't tell how he was feeling or even how I was feeling as we kissed.  So at first, he told me.  He had to tell me, because I couldn't tell for myself.  I couldn't understand how I could be so blocked off from feeling anything.  Clearly there was some kind of obstacle there.  Amin wanted so much for me to know how good I was and how great I made him feel that that is how these conversations got started.  He was very happy to literally deconstruct each kiss, tell me what I did, what he did, how he felt and how he felt I felt (even though I couldn't feel it myself).  At first, it was so foreign to me.  Little by little, though, things began to change.

On November 6th, after practicing kissing a lot one afternoon in a quiet spot at university, I had a breakthrough.  As usual, when I was back home, Amin and I were chatting online.  He talked about the kisses, which were certainly good that day.  I listened like usual, not adding too much.  I slipped in, right before saying good night, that for the first time, I had felt something.  I was so ecstatic.  It was such a small thing, but it was so huge for me.  After we parted ways to go back home, I could feel some tingles on my lips.  I had kissing after-effects.  "Now you know how I feel all the time!" Amin said excitedly.  All that was left was for me to feel something while we kissed. 

Slowly, over the course of the first month, that is exactly what we achieved.  I can't pinpoint exactly which kiss was "the one".  I just know that gradually, I began to feel more and more.  I felt tingles after kissing, then I began to feel as we kissed.  I even started to pick up on his feelings.  The first sign I got was when I discovered that he liked it when I touched his upper lip.  I remember one day in November, he actually exclaimed, "OH my God!"  I remarked on that and he told me that it was not the first time; he had already said it in Farsi on a number of occasions which had obviously escaped my notice.  I was finally starting to be in tune with him.  I can't say exactly when all of this happened or exactly how.  I just know that Amin made me feel comfortable and reassured.  I know that the communication, true open communication helped so very much. 

I definitely realized a few things on a conscious level.  I remember him telling me once that I was thinking too much while kissing him.  People tell me all the time that my brain never shuts off and I own that to a certain degree.  Amin went on to say, though, that I was thinking too much about pleasing him while kissing him, so of course under those circumstances, I couldn't enjoy the kiss for myself.  "I never told you that," I said.  "How did you know?"  I've since learned that I can't hide anything from Amin, even when I want to.  What he helped me realize is that seeking to please him was a barrier to being in touch with my feelings and with his.  This was a definite factor in my trouble with kissing.  Him saying this also made me realize that this was a pattern I was repeating.  I came to understand that I'd had the same dynamic with Frédéric, that kissing him equated to trying to please him.  Kissing in public made me uncomfortable, but he expected me to do so anyways (ironically, I later learned that I was not sufficiently affectionate in public to suit him despite my efforts).  In fact, any time we kissed, it was because he wanted to.  He expected it and I obliged.  The first time I got to thinking about it that way was when Amin commented on my use of tongue while kissing.  I told him that Frédéric always expected it.  He didn't really want my lips so much as my tongue.  If I had described this kissing dynamic with Frédéric to myself before I met Amin, there is no way I would've believed it.  I would've objected strongly to simply catering to my boyfriend's wishes and expectations.  That is not the kind of person I am and such a description is frankly an insult to my independent spirit.  Yet, it is all true.  It took me awhile to unravel, but I figured out that was exactly the way it was.  It had been so subtle, because Frédéric was not openly demanding or controlling, nor was it his intention to be anything remotely like that.  The result, however, was that he was calling the shots when it came to kissing.  No wonder the kissing had been one-sided!  Looking back, it was even built directly into the phrasing I used right from the start: "his kiss".  This epiphany helped me to take some of my power back and have a better balance with Amin.  I began to initiate kissing, for example, much to his delight!  

Because Amin is so loving, he allowed me to learn and grow.  He gave me the patience, respect and understanding I needed.  In fact, what took place was a lot like healing.  He helped me release things that I didn't even know I was carrying.  I couldn't have achieved all of that by sitting back and hoping for the best.  This kind of situation is one you have to work at, you and your partner.  Most people figure that kisses should be effortless.  If you experience any trouble or fear like I did, though, it requires conscious effort to turn around.  That is what Amin and I did and we were successful. 

You need to have someone who cares about you enough to work with you.  That is what I found in Amin.  That is when, I think, you really find the "true love" part of True Love's Kiss.  Beyond finally having a great kiss, you know that your partner truly loves you.  

True Love's Kiss ♥

True Love's Kiss

Hopeful 4    Hopeless  6

I have read more than once that the overwhelming majority of women believe that the first kiss will tell them a lot about a relationship's potential.  Many women will decide whether or not to date a man based on this one factor.  While I would agree that kissing is an important element in any romantic relationship, what is so important about the very first one?

I have been reflecting on this question for a little while and frankly the only explanation I came up with was the fairy tale one.  We've been brought up with this idea of "true love's kiss", that magical moment where the world stops turning.  The kiss that can solve all your problems (or curses) and inevitably lead to Happily Ever After.  Yet, if you asked the average person, they would tell you that they do not subscribe to such fantastical notions.  However, I don't see how else you could explain the attitude about the first kiss...

It's great if that is the way it turns out for you, a first kiss with fireworks and symphonies.  You have the fairy tale and you are lucky; a few of us get to glimpse such moments.  For the rest of us, there is what happens in real life, or shall we say, what happens for most people.  The first kiss is timid, or exploratory.  The first kiss is out of balance or out of synch with your partner.  The first kiss is just the tip of the iceberg with so much more to discover.  It is not necessarily representative of all future kisses or possibilities.

My very first kiss was in fact one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Frédéric and I had taken a walk in the park.  We sat down for a rest on a bench and were talking about many things.  I kicked myself for realizing too late that he had asked me out on a date and I had declined.  I was not available on the day in question, but also did not add anything encouraging like "perhaps another time".  The conversation continued on to horoscopes and astrological signs and we were in agreement that these things should not be taken too seriously.  Yet, he had said, "Maybe I should pay more attention to them."  So a couple of minutes later, I asked what he had meant and he explained that on the compatibility chart, Libra (my sign) and Gemini (his) had "a big heart".  I forced myself to remain calm and neutral, "Oh really?  I didn't know that..."  That is when he looked at me seriously and asked if I liked him.  I took a very big deep breath and said, "I am very interested in you; I have to be honest."  And I held that breath, waiting for his reply.  He said, "Je suis soulagé," and it was very visible: a wave of relief washed over his entire body.  Then he proceeded to say that he had felt like kissing me a few moments earlier.  Since that feeling was mutual and he obtained my permission, he leaned over and kissed me.  Back then, I thought this was quite romantic.  When I think about it now, I get queasy.

I thought it was the perfect moment.  Except for the kiss.  The idea of the moment finishing in a kiss was blissful.  The actual kiss had me freaked out.  Frédéric was saying that he hadn't dated in a couple of years and apologizing for being rusty.  I couldn't tell.  I couldn't think about what he was saying.  I had just hit extreme fear instead of ecstasy and was confused as to how that could happen.  I seemed to be aware that you could be nervous during a first kiss, but I was way beyond that.  I was shaking and had lain my head on his shoulder, apologizing before he did, saying I had "not been ready for that".  I was very happy to have shared my feelings for him and to have heard that they were reciprocated, so I was content while talking with him and walking back.  When we parted that day, though, he pulled me in for a second kiss and all of my severe anxiety returned.  I realized I had a serious problem.  I even spiked a mysterious fever that day, after seeing Frédéric.  I felt so terrified, I felt sick.  I had no other symptoms and it disappeared by the next day.  Clearly kissing disagreed with me.  Sometimes I wonder if that wasn't my warning not to date him.  In any case, to my way of thinking, it was a pretty extreme reaction and it made me feel completely abnormal.   

Now I know better.  It took me awhile to figure this out, but feeling strange or even not so great about the first kiss is normal enough.  And it is okay.  I thought, again erroneously, that I had perhaps picked the wrong guy and that is why the kiss didn't feel good.  While it is true that I didn't make a good pick with Frédéric, that is not why kissing him was a problem.  I hoped that the next guy I kissed would change all of that.  As I have hinted, though, my first kiss with Amin also threw me.  All of those familiar feelings of acute anxiety returned.  I was doubly scared this time in a way, because I had hoped for something magical to happen.  I had hoped not only not to feel terrified, but to feel good.  I didn't have high hopes or expectations; I didn't require spectacular.  I just didn't want to feel bad.  I was not so lucky.  What Amin allowed me to learn, though, is that it is normal and it is okay to feel the way that I did. 

So the next time you are thinking about the first kiss or you are about to experience one, try not to set your expectations at spectacular.  It's great for you if you have that perfect moment.  It is also okay if you don't.  My mother told me when the subject came up in my first weeks of dating Amin that experiencing a great kiss for a girl depends on so many factors: the guy, the atmosphere, the way you are sitting or standing, your hormones, your stress level, etc.  If only I had discovered this secret years ago!  I would not have spent such a long time feeling bad and abnormal.  Go on dreaming of a True Love's Kiss.  You will get there, on the first kiss, or the third one, or... the number is not important.  You may indeed have met a charming prince, even if the first kiss didn't spell out Happily Ever After instantaneously.  The important thing really is how you feel about him and how he feels about you: that is what leads to a True Love's Kiss.   



"Anyone could see that the prince was charming: the only one for me..."